


Book Characters reacting to the movies

by Fanf1cgurl



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book Characters, Book and movie differences, Booming voice, COVID-19, Coronavirus, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Funny, Harry Potter - Freeform, Harry Potter books are better than the movies, Humour, Laughter, Little Fluff, Movie is different, Multi, No Smut, Set in 2020, Signatures from Lockhart, Want to go to Hogwarts, Watching the Movie, Watching the Show, book to movie transition
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:53:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 41,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28886412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanf1cgurl/pseuds/Fanf1cgurl
Summary: All of the Harry Potter characters must go into a theatre and watch all the Harry Potter movies.
Relationships: Harry Potter & Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	1. The Boy who lived

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is an idea I came up with a while ago, and in writing, I’m up to about chapter 10 of Chamber of Secrets, so the first few chapters should all come out really fast.

It had just been a regular day in Harry Potter's life. 2020, Lily's first year of Hogwarts, Albus's third, and James's fifth. He and Ginny, his wife, were escorting their children to platform nine and three-quarters. They went through the barrier, but, instead of arriving at the platform, they were in some cinema room, with a good 700 or more people in here, all looking as confused as Harry felt. He recognised a lot of them, Ron, Hermione, their kids, the Dursley's, gosh, even Dumbledore was here… somehow.

Then a voice echoed throughout the cinema room. "EVERYBODY, YOU ARE ALL FROM A BOOK SERIES CALLED HARRY POTTER. THE STAR IS, OF COURSE, HARRY POTTER. BUT SOME MUGGLES HAVE TRIED TO MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT IT, AND YOU WILL ALL WATCH IT. SIT DOWN, AS THERE ARE EIGHT FULL LENGTH MOVIES TO WATCH."

Every single person found a chair and looked at the screen.

"YOU CAN PAUSE AND REACT TO IT AT ANY TIME. YOU ALL HAVE A REMOTE EACH. NOW, ENJOY THE MOVIE." The voice boomed. A never-ending popcorn supply appeared in all their laps. Then the screen lit up.

**Scene:**

**A neighbourhood on a street called Privet Drive. An owl, sitting on the street sign flies off to reveal a mysterious appearing old man walking through a forest near the street.**

"WHO IS TRESPASSING ON OUR STREET?!" Uncle Vernon shouted.

"I think it's Dumbledore," Harry said. He looked over at Dumbledore, who winked his sparkling blue eye.

**He stops at the start of the street and takes out a mechanical device and zaps all the light out of the lampposts.**

"He just took away our light!" Aunt Petunia whined. "Why would he do that?"

"I thought I clicked it 12 times," Dumbledore muttered.

**He puts away the device and a cat meows. The man, ALBUS DUMBLEDORE, looks down at the cat, which is a tabby and is sitting on a brick ledge.**

"That was that cat that was acting all strange back on the night Harry was delivered to our doorstep!" Uncle Vernon pointed out.

**Dumbledore: I should have known that you would be here...Professor McGonagall.**

"Who names a cat Professor McGonagall?" Dudley sneered.

**The cat meows, sniffs out and the camera pans back to a wall. The cats shadow is seen progressing into a human. There are footsteps and MINERVA MCGONAGALL is revealed.**

"What the actual..." all the muggles in the room were absolutely awestruck. McGonagall smirked proudly at them.

**McGonagall: Good evening, Professor Dumbledore. Are the rumours true, Albus?**

**Dumbledore: I'm afraid so, Professor. The good, and the bad.**

"What rumours? I don't remember this," Harry said.

**McGonagall: And the boy?**

**Dumbledore: Hagrid is bringing him.**

**McGonagall: Do you think it wise to trust Hagrid with something as important as this?**

"Don't yeh trust me, Professor McGonagall?" Hagrid asked.

"Of course, I do, Hagrid."

**Dumbledore: Ah, Professor, I would trust Hagrid with my life.**

"Thank you, sir," Hagrid nodded to Dumbledore.

**There is a motor sound, and the two professors look up to see a flying motorcycle coming down from the air. It skids on the street and halts. A large man, RUBEUS HAGRID, takes off his goggles.**

"That's Sirius's motorbike!" Harry realised.

"Yes, I'm pretty sure I mentioned that," Hagrid replied.

**Hagrid: Professor Dumbledore, Sir. Professor McGonagall.**

**Dumbledore: No problems, I trust, Hagrid?**

**Hagrid: No, sir. Little tyke fell asleep just as we were flying over Bristol. Heh. Try not to wake him. There you go.**

**Hagrid hands a baby in a blanket over to Dumbledore.**

"Oh it's a baby, how cute!" some people gushed.

"I have a feeling it's me," Harry muttered.

**McGonagall: Albus, do you really think its safe, leaving him with these people? I've been watching them all day. They're the worst sort of Muggles imaginable. They really are**

"Yes, please, Professor, don't leave me with them!" Harry pleaded.

**Dumbledore: The only family he has.**

**They stop outside a house.**

**McGonagall: This boy will be famous. There wont be a child in our world who doesn't know his name.**

**Dumbledore: Exactly. He's better off growing up away from all that. Until he is ready.**

"No! I'd rather grow up famous than with the Dursleys!" Harry cried.

"What did we ever do to you?" Vernon snorted.

**Hagrid coughs and sniffles, he is crying. He clears his throat.**

"Awww, I missed you too, Hagrid," Harry laughed.

"You didn't even remember," Hagrid sniffled. "I guess these muggles didn't catch on the fact that it was Sirius's motorbike."

**Dumbledore: There, there, Hagrid. It's not really good-bye, after all.**

"Yeah, I mean, you're seeing me now," Harry mentioned.

**Hagrid nods. Dumbledore takes a letter and places it on the baby, who is now at the foot of the door. The baby has a visible lightning-bolt shaped scar on his forehead.**

"I thought I asked about that scar," McGonagall wondered.

"Yes, you did," Dumbledore responded, "and then I told you about my useful scar on my left knee."

**Dumbledore: Good luck...Harry Potter.**

"I think I just said Harry," Dumbledore mentioned.


	2. The Vanishing glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang continues watching Harry Potter and The Philosophers Stone

"Wait, so that's how I got to the Dursleys?" Harry wondered aloud. "So these movies are about my childhood? Great."

**The camera pans into the scar and the opening title shows:**

**HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE**

"Oh… that was first year of Hogwarts," Harry said, turning to Ron and Hermione, who nodded in agreement.

**Almost ten years after the: DURSLEY's home. The camera pans on a sleeping boy, almost eleven, with a lightning-bolt shaped scar on his forehead.**

"So time has passed," Hermione pointed out.

"Ten years," Harry added.

**There is a click, and knocking. Outside, a tall woman, PETUNIA DURSLEY, raps the door.**

**Petunia: Up. Get up. {Knocks} {sighs} Now! {Smacks door of closet which is the boys bedroom}**

Aunt Petunia gasped. "Is that meant to be… _me_? I… I'm a brunette! What happened to me, oh my lord!"

"And wait…" Harry paused the movie and looked closely at what he assumed were _his_ eyes. "Th-they're blue. Oh my gosh. They're blue. Oh no! What is wrong with these people. And my hair… is brown, and it's so neat!"

**A large, tubby boy, DUDLEY DURSLEY, suddenly comes running down the stairs above the closet. He stops half-way down and goes back, jumping on the staircase.**

"I'm a brunette too, Mum!" Dudley muttered. "What happened to my beautiful blonde hair! Unless that's Dad…"

**Dudley: Wake up, cousin! We're going to the zoo!**

"No, that's you, honey-bun," Aunt Petunia muttered, clearly disgraced.

**Dudley laughs, comes down the stairs and runs for the kitchen. The boy, HARRY POTTER, tries to come out of the closet, but is pushed back in by Dudley.**

"Thanks a lot, Dudley," Harry muttered.

**Petunia is in the kitchen, where Dudley has gone.**

**Petunia: Oh, here he comes, the birthday boy!**

**A larger man, VERNON DURSLEY, is sitting at the kitchen table.**

**Vernon: Happy birthday, son.**

"Oh no… I remember this day…" Harry murmured.

**Petunia and Dudley giggle together. Harry comes into the kitchen, dressed in rags.**

"Harry, why are those clothes so big for you?" Ginny asked.

"Dudley's old clothes," he replied.

**Petunia: Why don't you just cook the breakfast, and try not to burn anything.**

**Harry: Yes, Aunt Petunia.**

**He sets to work.**

**Petunia: I want everything to be perfect for my Dudley's special day.**

"Wow, it was so perfect," Dudley said sarcastically.

"Sorry, baby boy," Aunt Petunia said. "If only my wretched sister hadn't gotten herself killed…"

Harry looked at her angrily and she shut up.

**Vernon: Hurry up! Bring my coffee, boy!**

**Harry: Yes, Uncle Vernon.**

"How did you deal with these people, mate?" Ron asked.

"No idea."

**Petunia leads Dudley over to the family room, where there are a vast amount of presents. Dudley stares.**

**Dudley: How many are there?**

**Vernon: Thirty-six. Counted 'em myself.**

"WHAT?!" Dudley exploded. "Liar! I counted them, on the table. All by myself!"

"Yes, it's odd…" Uncle Vernon said.

**Dudley: Thirty-six?! But last year last year I got thirty-seven!**

"No, I got thirty-eight the previous year," Dudley mentioned.

**Vernon: Yes, well, some of them are quite a bit bigger than last year!**

**Dudley: I don't care how big they are!**

**Petunia: Oh, now, now, now. This is what we're going to do, is that when we go out we're going to buy you two new presents! How's that, Pumpkin?**

"Ehhhhh!" Dudley cheered.

**Scene:**

**Outside, morning. The happy family is heading to the car. Harry goes to get in but is stopped by Vernon.**

"They're letting you go to the zoo?" Hermione said, obviously shocked.

"Only because my babysitter had broken her leg," Harry mentioned.

**Petunia: This will be a lovely day at the zoo. I'm really looking forward to it.**

**Vernon: I'm warning you now, boy. Any funny business, any at all, and you won't have any meals for a week. Get in.**

"This version of you is so nice, Uncle Vernon. Only no meals for a week? I was really scared when you said I'd be in my cupboard until Christmas," Harry mentioned.

**Scene:**

**The zoo. The family is in the reptile house, looking at a large BOA CONSTRICTOR.**

"Wait," Dudley said. "Where's Piers? Piers came along with us! Where is he?"

"I'm not sure, Dudley. But I am sure that Piers did come along with us," Vernon said.

**Dudley: Make it move.**

**Vernon raps the glass of the cage.**

**Vernon: Move!**

**Dudley raps the glass much harder, and Vernon winces.**

**Dudley: MOVE!**

"Oh my gosh, Dudley, give the poor snake a break!" Ginny said angrily.

**Harry: He's asleep!**

**Dudley: He's boring.**

Everyone looked at Dudley angrily.

**Dudley and his parents retreat to another enclosure. Harry is left with the snake.**

**Harry: Sorry about him. He doesn't understand what it's like, lying there day after day, having people press their ugly faces in on you.**

Dudley and his parents stared angrily at Harry.

"Look, I was ten years old!" Harry argued.

**The snake looks up and blinks.**

"So this is where you being a parselmouth all started," a few people murmured.

**Harry: Can you...hear me? {The snake nods} It's just...I've never talked to a snake before. Do you...I mean...do you talk to people often? {The snake shakes its head} You're from Burma, aren't you?**

"What?" Harry muttered. "The snake was from Brazil!"

**Harry: Was it nice there, do you miss your family? {The snake turns its head in the direction of a sign which says, Bred in Captivity} I see. That's me as well. I never knew my parents, either.**

**The now awake snake has attracted Dudley's attention. He rips over to the cage, knocking Harry to the floor.**

A few witches and wizards groaned.

**Dudley: Mummy, dad, come here! You won't believe what this snake is doing!**

**Dudley puts his hands on the glass wall. Harry, from the ground, glares at him. Suddenly, the glass disappears. Dudley wretches forward.**

Petunia and Vernon groaned in their seats.

**Dudley: Whoa! Ahh! Ahh!**

**Dudley falls into the snake enclosure, sputtering in a pool of water. The snake gets out of the exhibit, stopping in front of Harry.**

**Snake: Thankssssssss.**

**Harry: Anytime.**

"Amigo? No amigo? OK, whatever." Harry rolled his eyes at the screen.

**The snake starts off.**

**Man: SNAKE!**

**There is a lot of screaming as the snake heads for freedom. Dudley gets up to get out, but the glass is now back over the enclosure. He is stuck. He pounds the glass.**

"I don't remember that," Harry, Dudley, Vernon, and Petunia all said in unison.

"Thank god that didn't happen," Dudley said.

**Dudley: Mum, mummy!**

**Petunia: {Sees him} AHH!**

"Yes, thank god," Petunia said.

**Dudley: Mum, help! Help me!**

**Petunia: My darling boy! How did you get in there?!**

**Harry: {Grins and giggles}**

"Oh, Harry, you naughty boy," Ginny laughed.

**Vernon glares down at him and Harry's grin disappears. Petunia continues screaming: How did you get in there? Dursley, oh, Dursley!**

**Scene:**

**Back at the Dursley's. Petunia and a bundled up Dudley come in.**

**Petunia: It's all right. It's all right.**

**They disappear around the corner. Harry and Vernon enter. Vernon slams the door and shoves Harry against a wall, taking his hair.**

**Harry: Ow!**

**Vernon: What happened?**

"Wow, you don't even seem that mad in this version," Harry said to Uncle Vernon.

**Harry: I swear I don't know! One minute the glass was there and then it was gone! It was like magic!**

**Vernon: {Scoffs and shoves Harry into the closet} There's no such thing as magic!**

Basically all the witches and wizards started yelling out protests. "Well now you know!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave a comment :)


	3. The letters from no one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang continue watching the Harry Potter movie

**Scene:**

**Outside, some time later. An owl flies by the house and drops a letter, which zooms in the letterbox. It lands away from the house and hoots.**

"Oh, here we go," Harry muttered.

"Well now we find out why you couldn't receive your letter," Hagrid said positively.

**Harry, inside, goes to collect the mail. He sorts through the letters and sees his, addressed to him. He goes into the kitchen, hands Vernon the rest of the mail, and walks around the other side of the table to see his letter.**

"Can't believe you didn't even ask to read that," Uncle Vernon said angrily.

"It was _my_ letter!" Harry protested.

"Wait!" Dudley cried. "What happened to my Smelting's uniform. And my lovely sticks?"

No one replied.

**Vernon: Ah, Marge is ill. Ate a funny whelk.**

**Dudley: {Sees Harrys letter. He runs and grabs it} Dad, look! Harry's got a letter!**

"Seriously, Dudley?" Hermione said, looking at Dudley.

**Harry: Hey, give it back! It's mine!**

**Vernon: {Laughs} Yours? Who'd be writing to you?**

"Hogwarts, of course," Professor McGonagall stated.

**The family gathers to look at the address. There is a broken seal on the letter. The family looks up and Harry gulps.**

"It looks like you know about it," Harry said to Dudley.

"Well, Mum and Dad never told me anything about it," Dudley replied.

**Scene:**

**Another owl flies by with a letter and drops it off. Inside, Vernon grabs a handful of letters and rips them up.**

"So that's why your reply took so long!" McGonagall said.

**In the closet, Harry hears a whirring noise. He looks out at Vernon drilling wood over the letterbox opening.**

McGonagall and all the other teachers who had obviously taken forever trying to get these letters to Harry glared angrily at Uncle Vernon.

**Vernon: No more mail through this letterbox.**

**Scene:**

**Outside, Vernon and Petunia appear. Vernon is about to head off to work. Petunia kisses his cheek.**

**Petunia: Have a lovely day at the office, dear.**

**She stops, looks and sees a bunch of owls.**

"That's what you get," Harry said.

**Vernon: Shoo! Go on!**

**Scene:**

**Inside. Vernon is tossing letters into the fireplace. Harry comes around the corner. Vernon grins evilly and tosses more in.**

All of Harry's friends looked at him with sympathy. They didn't know how badly he'd been treated by his *cough, cough* family.

**Scene:**

**Living/Family room. The family is sitting around, Harry is serving cookies.**

"You're like their servant, mate!" Ron grumbled.

**Vernon: Fine day Sunday. In my opinion, best day of the week. Why is that, Dudley?**

**Dudley shrugs.**

"No post on Sundays," all the muggles muttered.

**Harry: {Hands cookie to Vernon} Because there's no post on Sunday?**

**Vernon: Ah, right you are, Harry. No post on Sunday. Hah! No blasted letters today. No, sir. {Harry sees a shadow outside the window. Outside, millions of owls are perched.} No sir, not one blasted, miserable-**

**A letter shoots out of the fireplace and zips across Vernons face. There is a rumbling and then zillions of letters come shooting out of the fireplace.**

Everyone burst out laughing except for the Dursleys.

"Well, we did what we could," Dumbledore said smugly.

**Dudley: AHH! Make it stop! Please make it stop! {He jumps on Petunias lap}**

**Petunia and Vernon: {Screaming}**

**Vernon: Go away, ahh!**

**Dudley: What is it? Please tell me what's happening!**

"So now I don't understand, but before I could?" Dudley questioned. "I'm confused."

**Harry jumps onto the coffee table to grab a letter.**

"Harry," Ginny said, rolling her eyes. "You're the youngest seeker in a century, and you cannot grab one single letter?"

**He gets one and starts to run away. Vernon jumps up as well.**

"Yes I can, Gin," Harry replied, smiling at his wife.

**Vernon: Give me that! Give me that letter!**

**He chases Harry and grabs him before Harry gets into his closet.**

**Harry: Get off! Ahh!**

**Vernon: Ahh!**

**Harry: They're my letters! Let go of me!**

"Oh, gosh," Hermione murmured.

**Vernon: That's it! We're going away! Far away! Where they can't find us!**

**Dudley: Daddy's gone mad, hasn't he?!**

"Yes, he has," quite a few people agreed.

**Scene:**

**A house, on a rock island somewhere out at sea. The family is sleeping, with Harry on the cold, dirt floor. He has drawn a birthday cake which reads, Happy Birthday Harry. Harry looks at Dudley's watch, which beeps 12:00.**

"Oh, no one remembered your birthday, Potter," Draco sneered.

"What happened to going to the hotel? And that man who let us take his boat?" Harry wondered aloud, ignoring Draco.

**Harry: Make a wish, Harry. {Blows}**

**Suddenly, the door thumps. Harry jumps. The door thumps again and Dudley and Harry jump up and back away. Petunia and Vernon appear, Vernon with a gun. The door bangs again and then cracks open, and a giant man appears.**

"ABOUT TIME!" Hagrid cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave a comment :)


	4. The Keeper of Keys

**Vernon: Who's there? Ahh!**

**Hagrid: Sorry 'bout that. {He puts the door back up}**

"YES HAGRID!" Harry, Ron and Hermione cheered.

**Vernon: I demand that you leave at once, Sir! You are breaking and entering!**

**Petunia: Ooh.**

**Hagrid comes over, grabs the gun and bends it upwards.**

"Hey, I tied that in a knot!" Hagrid protested, disappointed.

**Hagrid: Dry up, Dursley, you great prune. {The gun fires}**

**All: Ahh!**

**Hagrid: {sees Dudley} Mind, I haven't seen you since you was a baby, Harry, but you're a bit more along than I would have expected. Particularly 'round the middle!**

"How could you of thought Dudley was Harry?" McGonagall said to Hagrid.

"I didn't!" Hagrid argued.

**Dudley: I-I-I'm not Harry.**

**Harry appears: I-I am.**

"Probably because I'm a brunette," Dudley said. "If only they'd actually made me _blonde_!"

**Hagrid: Oh, well, of course you are! Got something for ya. 'Fraid I might have sat on it at some point! I imagine that it'll taste fine just the same. Ahh. Baked it myself. {Hands Harry the cake} Words and all. Heh.**

**Harry: Thank you! {Opens cake, which reads: Happee Birdae Harry.}**

"I can't even spell now!" Hagrid sobbed.

**Hagrid: It's not every day that your young man turns eleven, now is it?**

"No." Harry was laughing so hard. Poor Hagrid.

**Hagrid sits down on the couch, takes out an umbrella and points it at the empty fire. Poof, poof! Two sparks fly out and the fire starts. The family gapes.**

"Hagrid!" Dumbledore grumbled.

"Sorry, sir…"

**Harry: {puts cake down} Excuse me, who are you?**

**Hagrid: Rubeus Hagrid. Keeper of keys and grounds at Hogwarts. Course, you'll know all about Hogwarts.**

**Harry: Sorry, no.**

"Oh, gosh," Mrs Weasley said.

**Hagrid: No? Blimey, Harry, didn't you ever wonder where your mum and dad learned it all?**

"Well I'd been living with the most muggley muggles you'll ever meet," Harry said. The Dursleys glared at him.

**Harry: Learnt what?**

**Hagrid: You're a wizard, Harry.**

"Yes, Hagrid!" a few people cried.

"It was actually: Harry, you're a wizard," Hagrid mumbled.

**Harry: I-I'm a what?**

**Harry: A wizard. And a thumping good one at that, I'd wager. Once you train up a little.**

"So true Hagrid, so true," Ginny said as she squeezed Harry's hand.

**Harry: No, you've made a mistake. I can't be...a-a wizard. I mean, I'm just... Harry. Just Harry.**

A few people snickered.

**Hagrid: Well, Just Harry, did you ever make anything happen? Anything you couldn't explain when you were angry or scared? {Harry softens his expression} Ah.**

**Dudley: {whimpers}**

Dudley covered his face as a few people looked at him.

**Hagrid hands Harry the same letter that has been sent the past while. Harry opens it.**

"Finally!" Ron exclaimed.

**Harry: Dear, Mr. Potter. We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts' School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!**

**Vernon: He'll not be going! We swore when we took him in wed put an end to this rubbish!**

Witches and wizards groaned.

**Harry: You knew? You knew all along and you never told me?**

**Petunia: Of course we knew. How could you not be? My _perfect_ sister being who she was. Oh, my mother and father were so proud the day she got her letter. We have a witch in the family. Isn't it wonderful? I was the only one to see her for what she was. A freak! And then she met that Potter, and then she had you, and I knew you'd be just the same, just as strange, just as ... abnormal. And then, if you please, she went and got herself blown up! And we got landed with you.**

**Harry: Blown up? You told me my parents died in a car crash!**

"A CAR CRASH?!" McGonagall cried. "Honestly, people!"

**Hagrid: A car crash? A car crash kill James and Lily Potter?**

**Petunia: We had to tell him something.**

"How about the truth?" Dumbledore looked down on the Dursleys.

"We thought it was all rubbish," Vernon murmured. "Just watch the damn movie."

**Hagrid: It's an outrage! It's a scandal!**

"Exactly!" Hermione cried.

**Vernon: He'll not be going!**

**Hagrid: Oh, and I suppose a great Muggle like yourself's going to stop him, are you?**

**Harry: Muggle?**

**Hagrid: Non magic folk. This boy's had his name down ever since he was born! He's going to the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry in the world, and he'll be under the greatest headmaster Hogwarts' has ever seen: Albus Dumbledore.**

The Hogwarts students looked at their headmaster in admiration.

**Vernon: I will not pay for some crackpot old fool to teach him magic tricks!**

All the teachers and students, past and present, stared Uncle Vernon down.

**Hagrid: {whips out umbrella and points it at Vernon} Never insult Albus Dumbledore in front of me.**

**Hagrid sees Dudley eating Harry's cake, and points the umbrella at his rear. A grey tail grows.**

"I never ate that!" Dudley cried. "They're trying to make me seem greedy!"

Harry snorted.

"You shouldn't have done that, Hagrid," Dumbledore said, shaking his head. But he was still laughing.

**Dudley: Ahh!**

**All: Ahh! {family chases Dudley}**

**Harry: {laughs}**

**Hagrid: Oh, um, I'd appreciate if you didn't tell anyone at Hogwarts about that. Strictly speaking, I'm not allowed to do magic.**

"Oh, Hagrid," Dumbledore said, still laughing.

**Harry: {Nods} Okay.**

**Hagrid: {checks a clock} Ooh, we're a bit behind schedule. Best be off. Unless you'd rather stay, of course. Hmm? {Leaves}**

"You think I'd rather stay?" Harry muttered.

**Harry grins, looks back, and grins again.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave a comment :)


	5. Diagon Alley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They continue watching the movie

"This movie actually isn't too bad," Lily said looking at her father. "And we get to see your childhood, Dad!"

"Yes, but it's quite different," Harry mentioned to his daughter.

"Can we keep watching?" Albus asked. Harry nodded, and resumed the movie.

**Scene:**

**Streets of London. Hagrid and Harry are walking.**

"The muggles are all staring at you, Hagrid!" Hermione pointed out. Hagrid shrugged.

**Harry: All students must be equipped with...one standard size two pewter cauldron and may bring if they desire either an owl, a cat or a toad. Can we find all this in London?**

"It's ridiculous," Uncle Vernon muttered.

"Of course you can't find that in London!" Aunt Marge bellowed. "This is all nonsense. There's no such thing as magic, wizards, this school!"

Everyone looked at her and snickered.

**Hagrid: If you know where to go.**

**They go to a corner store and enter, The Leaky Cauldron.**

**{Music and talking}**

"That's a cool pub!" Dudley said.

"No, Dudley, you are not going there," Aunt Petunia said quickly.

**Barkeep Tom: Ah, Hagrid! The usual, I presume?**

"The usual?" Ron asked. "What's the usual?"

"Hehe, nothing much," Hagrid said, focusing on the screen.

**Hagrid: No thanks, Tom. I'm on official Hogwarts business today. Just helping young Harry here buy his school supplies.**

**Tom: Bless my soul. It's Harry Potter.**

"How could they recognise you though?" Ginny said. "Your hair's so messy no one could possibly see your scar."

"My hair looks pretty neat there," Harry responded.

**The pub goes silent. A man comes up and shakes Harrys hand.**

**Man: Welcome back, Mr. Potter, welcome back.**

**A witch comes up and shakes Harrys hand, as well.**

**Witch: Doris Crockford, Mr. Potter. I can't believe I'm meeting you at last.**

"That's what happens when you're famous without knowing it, kids," Harry mentioned to his children.

**A man in robes with a turban on his head appears. It is PROFESSOR QUIRRELL.**

A few people groaned. Professor Quirrell slumped down in his seat.

**Quirrell: Harry P-potter. C-can't tell you how pleased I am to meet you.**

"Such an act," Ron muttered.

"Hey, you guys feel for it," Quirrell pointed out.

**Hagrid: Hello, Professor. I didn't see you there. Harry, this is Professor Quirrell. He'll be your Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts.**

**Harry: Oh, nice to meet you. {Puts out hand. Quirrell refuses}**

"I SHOOK YOUR HAND! WHY AM I ALREADY WEARING A TURBAN?!" Quirrell cried.

"It's just an actor, Professor," Harry said.

**Quirrell: F-fearfully fascinating subject. N-not that you need it, e-eh, Potter? Heheh.**

"Yes, because you tried to KILL ME!" Harry said angrily.

"Well, you're alive, OK?" Quirrell had turned the colour of beetroot.

**Hagrid: Yes, well, must be going now. Lots to buy. Heh.**

**Harry: Good-bye.**

"Oh, I didn't know what was coming with that man," Harry said.

**The two leave into a back room winery in front of a brick wall.**

**Hagrid: See, Harry, you're famous!**

**Harry: But why am I famous, Hagrid? All those people back there, how is it they know who I am?**

"BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BOY WHO LIVED!" Ginny cried.

**Hagrid: I'm not exactly sure I'm the right person to tell you that, Harry. {Taps the brick wall clockwise with his umbrella. The blocks shift and open up to reveal a hidden, busy street.} Welcome, Harry, to Diagon Alley.**

"What the heck is that?" Dudley said.

"Guys, we do not think that this program is appropriate for our little Duddikins," Aunt Petunia said angrily. "He should not be exposed to magic."

No one answered her.

**Harry grins broadly as they step into the street and walk down it. An owl screeches.**

"I love Diagon Alley. It's a shame it got destroyed," Harry said.

**Hagrid: Here's where you'll get your quills and ink, and over there all your bits and bobs for doing your wizardry.**

**Harry is amazed as they pass by shops and owls and bats. The camera pans on a broom store, where a group of boys are crowded around a shiny broom.**

"DUDES I GOTTA FIREBOLT" Harry boasted.

**Boy: It's a world class racing broom. Look at it, its the new Nimbus 2000! It's the fastest model yet.**

**Harry: But, Hagrid, how am I to pay for all this? I haven't any money.**

"Oh, yes you do!" James Potter senior said.

"DAD! MUM!" Harry hadn't even realised his parents were here. He ran over to them and hugged them.

"Cool life you had," Lily muttered. Harry rolled his eyes, then resumed the film.

**Hagrid: Well there's your money, Harry. Gringotts, the Wizard Bank. T'aint no place safer, 'cept perhaps Hogwarts.**

**Inside the bank, they walk down the shiny aisle, passing tiny creatures working.**

**Harry: Uh, Hagrid, what exactly are those things?**

"THINGS?!" Griphook shouted. "YOU DARE CALL US GOBLINS _THINGS_?!"

"Sorry, Griphook," Harry responded.

**Hagrid: They're goblins, Harry. Clever as they come goblins but not the most friendly of beasts. Best stick close to me. {Harry sticks to him.} {Hagrid clears his throat as they approach a counter with a goblin in it.} Potter wishes to make a withdrawal.**

The goblins groaned.

**The goblin looks up.**

**Goblin: And does Mr. Harry Potter have his key?**

**Hagrid: Oh. Wait a minute. Got it here somewhere. Hah. Here's the little devil. Oh, and there's something else as well. Professor Dumbledore gave me this. It's about you-know-what in vault you-know-which. {Hands Goblin letter wrapped in string.}**

"It was the Philosopher's Stone, wasn't it," Harry said. Hagrid nodded.

**Goblin: Very well.**

**Scene:**

**Racing down the depth caverns in a cartlike structure. The cart stops, a goblin, GRIPHOOK, clambers out.**

"This is wear I vomited," Hagrid murmured.

**Griphook: Vault 687. Lamp, please. {Hagrid hands him the lamp and he walks to the vault} Key please. {Hagrid hands him the key and he unlocks it}**

**The room is filled nearly top to bottom with coins. Harry is amazed.**

"You may be rich, Potter, but you're not as rich as me," Malfoy spat.

**Hagrid: Didn't think your mum and dad would leave you with nothing, now didja?**

"Yeah, Harry!" Harry's parents agreed. Harry rolled his eyes.

**They continue on through the cavern.**

**Griphook: Vault 713.**

**Harry: What's in there, Hagrid?**

"The Philosopher's Stone, Harry," Hagrid laughed.

"Thanks for letting me know," Harry snorted.

**Hagrid: Can't tell you, Harry. It's Hogwarts business. Very secret.**

"Your welcome," Hagrid chuckled.

**Griphook: Stand back. {Slides finger down the door. Clank. Clank. The vault opens to expose a small white stone package. Hagrid hurries in and scoops it up. The eerie light it was shining with disappears.}**

**Hagrid: Best not mention this to anyone, Harry.**

**Harry nods.**

"Keeping secrets, eh?" Ron joked.

**Scene: Outside in the street, walking.**

**Harry: I still need...a wand.**

"No getting my robes? I got my wand last, I'm sure!" Harry mentioned.

"Ha! I didn't meet you then," Draco said.

"Thank god, although I did meet you at Madam Malkin's," Harry pointed out.

**Hagrid: A wand? Well, you'll want Ollivanders. No place better. Run along there, but wait. I just got one more thing I got to do. Won't be long.**

"What? I went in there with you!" Hagrid cried.

**Harry goes into the store, quietly. He looks around. There are shelves of wands, but no people.**

**Harry: {Softly} Hello? Hello?**

"Well you can't speak loudly in silence, right?" Harry mentioned.

**There is a thunk. A man appears on a ladder and looks at Harry. He smiles.**

**Ollivander: I wondered when I'd be seeing you, Mr. Potter. It seems only yesterday that your mother and father were in here buying their first wands. {Picks a wand} Ah. Here we are. {Harry holds it but just stands} Well, give it a wave.**

"Great entrance, Mr Ollivander," Hermione laughed.

**Harry: Oh! {waves. All the shelves come crashing down. Harry jumps and hurriedly puts the wand back on the counter.}**

"Thank god that didn't happen!" Mr Ollivander said.

**Ollivander: Apparently not. {Gets another wand.} Perhaps this. {Harry waves at a vase, which blows apart.} No, no, definitely not! No matter...{gets a wand} I wonder. {Hands wand to Harry. Harry glows under it.} Curious, very curious.**

"So dramatic," Ginny chuckled.

"Oh, wow, I only tried 3? I tried at least a hundred," Harry said.

**Harry: Sorry, but what's curious?**

**Ollivander: I remember every wand I've ever sold, Mr. Potter. It just so happens that the phoenix, whose tail feather resides in your wand gave one other feather, just one. It is curious that you should be destined for this wand when its brother gave you that scar. {Points to scar}**

"Cool!" Seamus awed.

**Harry: And...who owned that wand?**

"Voldemort," Harry answered himself.

**Ollivander: Oh, we do not speak his name. The wand chooses the wizard, Mr. Potter. It's not always clear why, but I think it is clear that we can expect great things from you. After all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things...terrible, yes, but great. {Hands Harry his wand.}**

"Great things like killing my parents," Harry muttered.

**There is a knock on the window.**

**Hagrid: Harry! Harry! Happy birthday! {Has a snowy owl in a cage which hoots.}**

"Awww, Hedwig!" Harry said, tearing up. Then he heard a screech, and a snowy owl flew towards him. "HEDWIG! OH MY GOSH, I MISSED YOU, GIRL!"

**Harry: Wow.**

**Scene: Later, eating supper. The two, Hagrid and Harry, are at a long table, eating soup.**

"Ooh, soup! Yummy!" Crabbe, Goyle and Dudley cried. Everyone ignored them.

**Hagrid: You all right, Harry? You seem very quiet.**

**Harry: He killed my parents, didn't he? The one who gave me this. You know, Hagrid, I know you do.**

"Yes," Harry said sadly, stroking Hedwig.

**Hagrid: {Sighs and pushes bowl away} First, and understand this, Harry, 'cause it's very important. Not all wizards are good. Some of them go bad. A few years ago there was one wizard who went as bad as you can go. And his name was V-...his name was V-...**

**Harry: Maybe if you wrote it down?**

**Hagrid: No, I can't spell it. All right. His name was Voldemort.**

**Harry: Voldemort?**

"Harry, you're not meant to say it aloud!" Hermione hissed.

"I was eleven years old, OK?" Harry snapped back.

**Hagrid: Shh!**

**{Harry looks around}**

**A flashback ensues, consisting off a cloaked man walking towards a house, breaking in with his wand, and proceeding to terrorise. Hagrid narrates.**

"Oh, no," Harry muttered. Lily and James seniors came and stood by Harry and clutched him tight. Ginny, James junior, Albus, and Lily junior all did the same. Ron and Hermione, and their kids did also.

**Hagrid: It was dark times, Harry, dark times. Voldemort started to gather some followers, brought 'em over to the dark side. Anyone that stood up to him ended up dead. Your parents fought against him, but nobody lived once he decided to kill 'em. {Harrys mother, LILY, screams as she is killed by Voldemort's wand}**

Harry and James senior whimpered.

**Hagrid: Nobody...not one. Except you. {close-up of baby Harry.}**

**Harry: Me? Voldemort tried to kill...me?**

**Hagrid: Yes. That ain't no ordinary cut on your forehead, Harry. A mark like that only comes from being touched by a curse...and an evil curse at that.**

Harry felt his mouth wobbling.

**Harry: What happened to Vo-...to You-Know-Who?**

**Hagrid: Some say he died. Codswallop in my opinion. Nope, I reckon he's out there, still, too tired to go on. But one thing's absolutely certain. Something about you stumped him that night. That's why you're famous, Harry. That's why everybody knows your name. You're the boy who lived.**

Everyone cheered, and Harry felt a lot of pats on the back, and felt a smile reaching up on his face.


	6. The Journey from Platform 9 and 3 quarters

**Scene: London Train Station. Up on a crossing bridge, Harry (with cart and owl) walk beside Hagrid.**

"Oh, wow, thanks for bringing me to the platform, Hagrid! And not leaving me with the Dursleys for the rest of the summer!" Harry exclaimed.

**A couple look at Hagrid.**

"Everyone stares at poor old Hagrid," Hagrid murmured. A few people chuckled.

**Hagrid: What're you looking at? {Looks at watch} Blimey, is that the time? Sorry, Harry, I'm gonna have to leave you. Dumbledore'll be wanting his...well, he'll be wanting to see me. Now, uh, your train leaves in 10 minutes. Here's your ticket. Stick to it, Harry that's very important. Stick to your ticket.**

"You ditched me, too! Just like the Dursleys!" Harry said. "Geez, Hagrid!"

**Harry looks at his ticket.**

**Harry: Platform 9 ¾? But Hagrid, there must be a mistake. This says Platform 9 ¾. There's no such thing...is there? {Harry looks up and Hagrid has vanished.}**

"But… I already knew! I knew that it was Platform nine and three-quarters… GOSH!"

**Scene: Harry is walking down lane between trains. A man rushes by.**

**Man: Sorry.**

**Harry sees a train master.**

**Harry: Excuse me, excuse me.**

"He won't be much help," Harry mentioned.

**Trainmaster: {talking to woman and child} Right on your left, ma'am.**

**Harry: Excuse me, Sir. Can you tell me where I might find Platform 9 ¾?**

"There's no such thing! You were probably just at the station for the whole year!" Uncle Vernon said, enraged.

**Trainmaster: 9 ¾? Think youre being funny, do ya? {Leaves}**

"Yeah, you think you're being funny, boy?" Uncle Vernon obviously hated the film. He hated magic, he hated Harry, this was probably the worst film ever for him. But Harry found it funny.

**A woman, daughter, and four boys walk by, pushing carts.**

"Are they…" Ron found himself saying.

**Mrs. Weasley: It's the same year after year. Always packed with Muggles, of course.**

**Harry: Muggles?**

**Mrs. Weasley: Come on. Platform 9 ¾ this way! All right, Percy, you first.**

"Oh my gosh, that woman needs to keep her voice down!" Mrs Weasley flustered.

"Er, Mum…" Ginny stated. "I think that woman is you."

"WHAT?! ME?! I MERELY ASKED WHICH PLATFORM IT WAS, AND THEN YOU, GINNY, SAID IT WAS PLATFORM NINE AND THREE-QUARTERS!" Mrs Weasley yelled.

"OK, Mum, please calm down," Percy said, his cheeks turning bright pink with embarrassment. The rest of the Weasleys burst out laughing.

**A tall boy with red hair comes forward and runs towards a brick wall. Amazingly, he disappears right into it. Harry is amazed.**

**Mrs. Weasley: Fred, you next.**

**George: He's not Fred, I am!**

Fred and George burst out laughing, then high-fived.

**Fred: Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother!**

**Mrs. Weasley: Oh, I'm sorry, George.**

**Fred: I'm only joking. I am Fred. {He runs through the wall, and is followed by his twin brother.}**

George snickered, and patted his brother on the back. He was obviously so happy to have his brother back.

But it kind of was creepy. All the dead people… who'd died, they were all here. What would happen after they'd finished the movies? Would the dead just… disappear?

**Harry shakes his head in disbelief.**

**Harry: Excuse me! C-could you tell me how to**

**Mrs. Weasley: How to get on the platform? Yes, not to worry, dear. It's Ron's first time to Hogwarts as well. {pan to a red haired boy who smiles}**

"Where's my freakin' freckles?" Ron cried. "What am I, some ginger, not even _flaming red hair_ , no freckles! And my nose is short! Arrrrghhhh!"

**Now, all you've got to do is walk straight at the wall between platforms 9 and 10. Best do it at a bit of a run if you're nervous.**

**Ginny (daughter): Good luck.**

Harry turned to Ginny and laughed. "Ya lil cutie." His thanks from Ginny was a sharp jab in the arm.

**Harry takes a breath and runs at the wall. He shuts his eyes and emerges on the other side a magnificent station with a red train and bundles of people. A whistle blows, and Harry sighs with relief.**

"WHAT?!" The Dursleys exploded. "WHAT IS THIS MAGIC?!"

"Calm down," Harry said, "it's all normal."

"NORMAL?!" Aunt Marge was having a hard time here. "SURE, IT'S JUST SOME ACTOR WHO LOOKS LIKE A BETTER VERSION OF HARRY, PROBABLY ALL HARRY'S DREAM OR SOMETHING!"

Harry rolled his eyes.

**Scene: The train is traveling through unknown country. Pan to inside compartment, where Harry is sitting. The red headed boy, RON, appears, dirt on his nose.**

**Ron: Excuse me, do you mind? Everywhere else is full.**

"Ugh!" Fred cried. "What happened to George and I helping you with your trunk!"

"Honestly, don't we get any credit?" George added.

"Or the fact that I was a Prefect," Percy pointed out.

"Really?" Ginny asked. "You were a Prefect?"

Percy punched Ginny's arm.

It was sort of weird, everyone seemed to be able to reach everyone, no matter where they were sitting. They could see everyone, too, even though there was a good 700 people in the theatre.

**Harry: No, not at all.**

**Ron: {sits across from Harry} I'm Ron, by the way. Ron Weasley.**

**Harry: I'm Harry. Harry Potter.**

**{Ron goes agape.}**

"We honestly get nothing," Fred muttered. "WE FOUND OUT THAT HE WAS HARRY POTTER!"

"Don't steal our intelligence, Ron," George said angrily.

"Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't direct this film," Ron responded, laughing.

**Ron: So-so it's true?! I mean, do you really have the...the...**

**Harry: The what?**

**Ron: {whispers} Scar...?**

**Harry: Oh, yeah. {lifts up hair}**

"Whoa," Albus said. He grabbed his dad's hair and lifted it up. "It was so clear back then. Now it's all faded."

"Well, it's really old," Harry told his son.

**Ron: Wicked.**

"You're just not even questioning it now," Harry laughed.

"Dude, this guy doesn't even have the proper Weasley hair," Ron muttered angrily.

**A trolley comes by the compartment, full of sweets.**

"Already?" Harry cried. "What about our big conversation?"

Ron rolled his eyes.

**Woman: Anything off the trolley, dears?**

"ANYTHING OFF THE CART, DEARS!" The trolley witch screamed.

**Ron: {Holds up mushed sandwiches} No, thanks, I'm all set. {smacks lips.}**

**Harry: {pulls out coins} We'll take the lot!**

"Glad I married into the Potters," Ginny said eagerly.

**Ron: Whoa!**

**Scene: Eating bundles of sweets.**

"What idiots," Hermione said. "Oh, wait. They're my idiots!"

Harry and Ron snickered.

**Ron's rat, Scabbers, is perched on Ron's knee, a box over its head.**

**Harry: Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans?**

"Oh, gosh," Dumbledore chuckled.

"Not going to be having Chocolate frogs, are we?" Ron asked.

**Ron: They mean every flavour! There's chocolate and peppermint, and there's also spinach, liver and tripe. George sweared he got a bogey-flavoured one once!**

"I DID!" George said immediately when everyone stared at him. "It was this murky yellow colour, and I thought it might just be an unripe banana flavour, but it was bogey! It was so disgusting!"

"How would you know what bogey tastes like?" Ginny asked.

"Well, you know," George said. "Sometimes in class if I'm really, really starving, and I have a snotty nose, I—"

"OK, let's just keep watching the movie," Hermione interrupted, and a few people laughed.

**Harry quickly takes the bean he was chewing out of his mouth.**

"Oh, I'm not a sook!" Harry cried.

**Harry: {picks up blue and gold package} These aren't real chocolate frogs, are they?**

"No fun Bertie Bott's eating session?" Harry said. "And we had the chocolate frogs first."

"It doesn't matter." Hermione rolled her eyes.

**Ron: It's only a spell. Besides, it's the cards you want. Each pack's got a famous witch or wizard. I got about 500 meself.**

"Come on, I just want Agrippa!" Ron cried.

"You got him eventually, though?" Harry asked.

"No!" Ron moaned. "He's ultra-rare! I've been looking all over for him! I even got Ptolemy! I JUST WANT AGRIPPA!"

"Calm down Ron, it's just a card," Hermione muttered.

"But it's not _just a card_ , Hermione!" Ron cried. "I've been collecting these cards since I was very young, and I just want Agrippa!" He groaned. "Let's just continue the movie."

**Frog: Ribbit. {The frog jumps onto the window and climbs up, then leaps out the window...disappearing.}**

**Ron: Oh, that's rotten luck. They've only got one good jump in them to begin with.**

**Harry: Hey, I got Dumbledore!**

**Ron: I got about 6 of him.**

**Harry: Hey, he's gone!**

"Of course he is, Harry," Ginny said, poking Harry in the chest.

**Ron: Well, you can't expect him to hang around all day, can you? {Scabbers squeaks} This is Scabbers, by the way, pitiful, isn't he?**

**Harry: Just a little bit.**

**Ron: Fred gave me a spell as to turn him yellow. Want to see?**

**Harry: Yeah!**

"Harry you just get so excited to see magic," Hermione laughed.

"What, it's freakin' magic!" Harry cried. "Also, I guess Neville didn't lose his toad? He should've come in by now."

**Ron: {clears throat} Ahem. Sun-**

**A girl, HERMIONE GRANGER, with bushy brown hair appears at the doorway.**

"Hmmm…" Hermione said. "I'm guessing it's… not bad, eh?"

**Hermione: Has anyone seen a toad? A boy named Neville's lost one.**

"What? Neville didn't come in? They're totally downgrading him!" Hermione cried.

**Ron: No.**

"Neville came in earlier on his own," Ron told Hermione. "That was deleted as well."

**Hermione: Oh, are you doing magic? Let's see then.**

"You really put me on the spot there, Hermione," Ron said.

**Ron: Aghhhemm. Sunshine, daises, butter mellow, turn this stupid fat rat yellow!**

"That's honestly offensive," Wormtail muttered. Everyone ignored him.

**{Zap. Nothing happens. Ron shrugs.}**

**Hermione: Are you sure that's a real spell? Well, it's not very good, is it? Of course I've only tried a few simple spells myself, and they've all worked for me.**

"Such a know-it-all," Ron muttered.

**Hermione: For example...{Hermione goes over and sits across from Harry. He points her hand at his glasses and Harry tenses} Oculus Reparo. {The glasses, which noseband is battered, are repaired. Harry takes them off, amazed.}**

"You did not do that!" Harry cried. "You just went on saying how there was nobody magic in your family!"

"Well, I didn't make this movie!" Hermione responded.

**Hermione: That's better, isn't it? Holy Cricket, you're Harry Potter.**

"I just figured that out?" Hermione asked.

**Hermione: I'm Hermione Granger... {turns to Ron} and you are...?**

"Your future husband!" Ron said, lightly putting his arm around Hermione's neck

**Ron: {full mouth} I'm...Ron Weasley.**

**Hermione: Pleasure. You two better change into your robes. I expect we'll be arriving soon. {Gets up and leaves, then comes back and looks at Ron.} You've got dirt, on your nose, by the way, did you know? Just there. {Points} {Ron scratches his nose, embarrassed.}**

"I said that already?" Hermione mumbled.

**Scene: Darkness, the train blows its whistle and pulls into an outdoor station. Hagrid walks along the side aisle, with a lantern. People begin pouring out of the train.**

"YES! WE'RE AT HOGWARTS!" Ron cried.

"What happened to the rest of our conversation? And Malfoy's rejected handshake?" Harry muttered.

"Omigod, I'd better exist!" Draco cried. "If I'm an omitted character, I swear…"

**Hagrid: Right, then! First years! This way, please! Come on, now, don't be shy! Come on now, hurry up!**

**Harry and Ron walk up to Hagrid.**

**Hagrid: Hello, Harry.**

**Harry: Hey, Hagrid.**

"That big fat oath doesn't deserve that job," Malfoy sneered. Harry clenched his fists, but Ginny grabbed his hand.

**Ron: Whoa!**

**Hagrid: Right then. This way to the boats! Come on, now, follow me.**

"Ayyy! The boats!" Ron cried.

**Scene:**

**A number of boats are plugging across a vast lake, where up ahead a huge castle can be seen. People are in awe.**

"That's surely gotta be iconic," Ginny said, amazed.

**Ron: Wicked.**

Everyone nodded, agreeing with him.


	7. The Sorting Hat

**Scene: On a higher level, Professor McGonagall is waiting. She raps her fingers on a stone railing, and then goes to the top of the stairs to greet the newcomers.**

"Why do I look exactly the same as I did ten years ago?" McGonagall asked. "And now that it's light, I'm noticing… my hair is grey! How old do they expect me to be!" She huffed, patting down on her black-haired tight bun.

**McGonagall: Welcome to Hogwarts.**

"Hey!" Hagrid cried. "Why doesn't this show me bringing you guys to the door!"

"And I opened the door for them," Professor McGonagall added. It was weird, as they all had the memory vividly replanted in their brains.

**McGonagall: Now, in a few moments, you will pass through these doors and join your classmates. But before you can take your seats you must be sorted into your houses. They are Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin. Now, while you are here, your house will be like your family. Your triumphs will earn you house points. Any rule breaking, and you will lose points. At the end of the year, the house with the most points is awarded the house cup**

"That monologue is _so_ changed," McGonagall muttered.

**NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM, a scared looking boy, spots his toad sitting near McGonagall. He jumps forward.**

"Is that meant to be Trevor?" Neville asked. "That means that that boy there is me? Gosh, I'm brunette now, too!"

**Neville: Trevor! {McGonagall stares down at him} Sorry. {He backs away.}**

"I don't remember that happening, though," Neville said as people laughed at him.

**McGonagall: The sorting ceremony will begin momentarily. {leaves}**

**DRACO MALFOY, a slicked back evil looking boy speaks up.**

"Woah," some of the younger witches gushed. "Now that is some hot guy."

"They really brought the amp up for you, Malfoy," Harry immediately guessed it was Malfoy. They looked similar enough, this guy just way… beautifuller?

"FINALLY FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Draco cried. "Wrong moment, but still!"

**Draco: It's true then, what they're saying on the train. Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts. {Students whisper, Harry Potter?} This is Crabbe, and Goyle {nods to thugs} and I'm Malfoy...Draco Malfoy.**

"So dramatic," Harry muttered. Draco was teleported next to him, then gave him a good punch in the face. "Wow, thanks Malfoy." Harry rubbed his nose as Draco teleported back to his seat with Astoria.

**Draco: {Ron snickers at his name} Think my name's funny, do you? No need to ask yours. Red hair, and a hand me down robe?**

"You can't even mention the freckles!" Ron laughed hysterically. "This actor doesn't have any!"

All the other freckly Weasleys burst out laughing at Ron's remark.

**Draco: You must be a Weasley. You'll soon find that some wizarding families are better than others, Potter. Don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there. {extends hand.}**

"Ahahaha its time for the rejected handshake!" Harry laughed.

"Bet you regretted that, didn't you, Potter?" Draco spat. Harry shook his head.

**Harry: I think I can tell who the wrong sort are for myself, thanks.**

"BURN!" Ginny cried, laughing her head off.

**Draco glares. McGonagall returns and smacks him on the shoulder with a paper. He retreats with one last glare.**

"I wish you'd done that Professor!" Ron laughed loudly. Draco groaned.

"Guys, just saying," said Harry, "Ron was saying how Fred had told him that the sorting ceremony was a _test_." Harry looked over at Fred, who shrugged. It was kind of weird seeing Fred, but Harry tried to ignore the fact and treat Fred normally.

**McGonagall: We're ready for you now.**

**She leads everyone through two large doors and into the Great Hall, where there are four long tables with many kids, as well as floating candles. The roof appears to be the sky.**

"Ha! We didn't even have to line up, which was totally pointless, seeing as our names were read in alphabetical order!" Ron sniggered.

"It was so you'd all fit through the doors nicely, you blithering idiot!" McGonagall snapped at Ron.

**Hermione: It's not real, the ceiling. It's just bewitched to look like the night sky. I read about it in Hogwarts: A History.**

"Of course you did," Ron teased. Hermione rolled her eyes.

**McGonagall: All right, will you wait along here, please? Now, before we begin, Professor Dumbledore would like to say a few words.**

"Huh?" Hermione blurted. "What about the sorting ceremony? The song should be starting now!"

**Dumbledore rises from the main table.**

**Dumbledore: I have a few start of term notices I wish to announce.**

"Before the sorting ceremony, though?" Hermione muttered.

**Dumbledore: The first years please note that the dark forest is strictly forbidden to all students. Also, our caretaker, Mr. Filch {signals to ragged old man with a cat with red eyes} has asked me to remind you that the 3rd floor corridor on the right hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a most painful death. Thank you.**

"I kind of wished you'd told us why," Harry said. "I mean, you could have just said that their was a ferocious three-headed dog. You didn't even need to say about the philosopher's stone, or the trapdoor! We were all so curious!"

**McGonagall: When I call your name, you will come forth, I shall place the sorting hat on your head, and you will be sorted into your houses.**

"WHAT?!" George exploded.

"No song?!" Fred cried.

**McGonnagall: Hermione Granger.**

"What?" Hannah Abbot cried. "Why is _she_ first? I was first!"

"And McGonagall said my first name first!" Hermione added.

**Hermione: Oh, no. Okay, relax. {She goes up}**

"This is making me seem so mental," Hermione said in embarrassment.

**Ron: Mental that one, I'm telling you.**

Ron raised his eyebrows at Hermione. "You're an oracle!" Hermione rolled her eyes.

**Harry nods in agreement.**

**Sorting Hat: Ah, right then...hmm...right. Okay...Gryffindor!**

"Woah!" Ginny cried. "The sorting hat spoke to everyone back then?" Harry shook his head.

**(Cheering)**

**Hermione jumps off with a smile.**

**McGonagall: Draco Malfoy.**

"Let's go for Slytherin!" Draco cried.

**Draco saunters up proudly. The tattered hat nearly freaks before touching down on Draco's head.**

**Sorting Hat: SLYTHERIN!**

"I can tell the future, too!" Draco cried, fist pumping Goyle.

**Ron: There isn't a witch or wizard who went bad who wasn't in Slytherin.**

"Ummm, Peter Pettigrew? Quirrell?" Harry suggested. Wormtail and Quirrell both bit their lips.

**McGonagall: Susan Bones.**

"Now?" Susan Bones complained. "I was second."

**A small, redhead goes up.**

**Harry looks around and spots a black haired, pale teacher, SEVERUS SNAPE, looking at him. His scar hurts.**

"It wasn't me who made your scar hurt, Potter," Snape drawled.

**Harry: Ahh! {puts hand on forehead}**

**Ron: Harry, what is it?**

"My scar's hurting!" Harry said.

**Harry: Nothing...it's nothing, I'm fine.**

"Quite similar, just at the wrong time," Harry said.

**Sorting Hat: Let's see...I know...Hufflepuff!**

Susan huffed. "They just used me to have that little scene!"

**McGonagall: Ronald Weasley.**

"This order is totally random!" Ron cried.

**Ron gulps and walks up. He sits down and the hat is put on.**

**Sorting Hat: Ah! Another Weasley. I know just where to put you...Gryffindor!**

"It's just talking out loud for everyone to see!" Hermione cried.

**Ron: {Sighs in relief}**

**(Cheering)**

**McGonagall: Harry Potter.**

**Everything goes silent. Harry walks up and sits down.**

Harry remembered when everyone had been whispering, just because his name had been called.

**Sorting Hat: Hmm...difficult, very difficult. Plenty of courage I see, not a bad mind, either. There's talent, oh yes, and a thirst to prove yourself. But where to put you?**

"That is actually what it said to me," Harry said.

**Harry: {whispers} Not Slytherin. Not Slytherin.**

"Thank gosh you didn't want to be in Slytherin," Ron said. "Otherwise you would have been the biggest traitor the world has ever seen."

**Sorting Hat: Not Slytherin, eh? Are you sure? You could be great, you know. Its all here in your head. And Slytherin will help you on your way to greatness! There's no doubt about that!**

"Wait… the sorting hat considered you for Slytherin?" Ron asked in disbelief.

"You should have been in my house," came a cold voice from the back. And then he was teleported next to Harry, staring coldly at him with the piercing red eyes, snakelike features, and no nose.

"Hello, Harry Potter," Voldemort said. Everyone immediately started panicking and screaming, trying to find there way out of the theatre. Voldemort had paused the movie.

"Tom," Harry said softly, staring at Voldemort right in those intimidating red eyes.

"Harry," Voldemort said, just as softly. "How have you been… since you _killed me_?"

"I didn't kill you," Harry said, "you killed yourself, and I was merely using self-defence."

"It doesn't matter," Voldemort said. He grabbed out his wand, and Harry did the same. "Avada Kedavra!"

"Expelliarmous!"

Green light should have come out of Voldemort's wand, and red out of Harry's, but nothing happened.

"Magic mustn't work in here," Hermione pointed out.

"Well spotted, Hermione," Ron said sarcastically.

Voldemort cursed in anger. "As soon as we leave this theatre, Potter, I swear…" Then he resumed the movie.

**No? {Harry whispers: Not Slytherin...anything but Slytherin} Well, if you're sure...better be...GRYFFINDOR!**

"So… so you would've been in Slytherin," Draco said. "If it weren't for Ron telling you it was an evil house."

"Well, actually Hagrid told me," Harry said, in defence of Ron. "And good thing, too. Otherwise I would have been in your dormitory!" Draco shook his head, then pressed the play button on his remote.

**There is an immense cheering and Harry goes to the Gryffindor table.**

**Fred and George: We got Potter! We got Potter! {Harry sits down.}**

Draco crossed his arms huffily.

**McGonagall: {dings on a cup} Your attention, please.**

**Dumbledore: Let the feast...begin.**

"Oh, wow!" Dumbledore said sarcastically. "What the heck? Some words! Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"

**Food magically appears on all the tables, and the hall is filled with awe and chatter.**

Dudley's mouth started watering before his father told him to snap out of it.

**Harry: Wow.**

**Draco looks at all the food, raises his eyebrows and digs in.**

**Ron stuffs his face.**

Dudley looked like a tantrum was coming on. He hated watching other people eat when he couldn't. Probably why he hated the cooking channel

**SEAMUS FINNIGAN, a tiny boy, speaks.**

**Seamus: I'm half and half. Me dad's a Muggle. Mam's a witch. Bit of a nasty shock for him when he found out.**

"Hey!" Seamus shouted. "That's what I said! That guy can't possibly be me! He's got very dark hair!"

**Neville laughs.**

**Harry is sitting next to Percy. He leans over.**

"They have seriously cut so much out," Harry muttered. The others nodded.

**Harry: Say, Percy, who's that teacher talking to Professor Quirrell?**

**Percy: Oh, that's Professor Snape, head of Slytherin house.**

**Harry: What's he teach?**

**Percy: Potions. But everyone knows it's the Dark Arts he fancies. He's been after Quirrell's job for years.**

"It's unfair because the job was cursed and I'd proved my loyalty to Dumbledore, but he keeps hiring a whole heap of randoms!" Snape said angrily.

"Well you got it eventually," McGonagall said.

**Ron, having just finished a chicken wing, reaches into the bowl for more, and a ghostly head, SIR NICHOLAS, pops out.**

"Ahh!" cried Albus.

**Ron: Ahh!**

Albus and Rose burst out laughing.

**Nick: Hello! How are you? Welcome to Gryffindor.**

**Numerous ghosts come pouring from the walls, sailing along.**

"Now?!" Hermione cried. "They came before we were sorted!"

**Hufflepuff ghost: Whoo-hoo-hoo!**

**Girl: Look, its the Bloody Baron!**

Just at that moment, all the ghosts starting flying around the theatre and flying through people. A few people laughed. The Dursleys and Aunt Marge screamed.

**Percy: Hello, Sir Nicholas. Have a nice summer?**

**Nick: Dismal. Once again, my request to join the headless hunt has been denied. {Begins to leave}**

"It's OK, Nick," Hermione said reassuringly. Nick sobbed.

**Ron: Hey, I know you! You're Nearly Headless Nick!**

**Nick: I prefer Sir Nicholas if you don't mind.**

"Nobody calls you that," Ron muttered.

**Hermione: Nearly headless? How can you be nearly headless?**

Seamus groaned. "You stole my line!" Hermione shrugged apologetically.

**Nick: Like this. {Grabs head and pulls it to the side. His head is hanging on just by a thread.}**

"Eugh," Lily Jr cried. Then she turned to Harry. "Dad, now I know all about Hogwarts, before I even go! Also, won't we have missed the train by now?"

Harry gasped. He didn't think of that. He got up out of his seat and frantically ran around the theatre, trying to find an exit.

Then he was thrown through the air and landed on his seat. Harnesses came down on all of them. They all struggled against them.

Then the booming voice spoke again. "THE ONLY WAY FOR YOU TO LEAVE THIS THEATRE IS TO WATCH ALL EIGHT MOVIES, AND REACT TO THEM AT LEAST ONCE A MINUTE."

"That's going to take forever!" Ron cried. "Our kids will miss their train!"

"THEN YOU'D BETTER QUIT COMPLAINING AND KEEP WATCHING AND REACTING!" The voice boomed.

"Why do we need to react?" Hermione yelled out. Her remark was followed by silence.

"Hello?" Harry and Ginny cried. No response.

"OK…" Hermione said, her voice wobbling. "Let's just get this over and done with." She quickly grabbed her remote and resumed the movie.

**Ron: Ahh!**

**Hermione: Eugh.**

Nick laughed.

**Scene:**

**Percy is leading the Gryffindors to the staircases.**

"Oh, you're such a great Prefect, Percy!" Fred mocked.

"Do you want a sticker for your great efforts?" George added. "Or would you rather another Prefect badge?"

"Shut up," Percy muttered.

**Percy: Gryffindors, follow me please. Keep up. Thank you.**

Harry was quite disappointed they didn't get to see their school song, but the Weasley twins interrupted his thoughts by continuing to mock Percy.

**Boy: Ravenclaw, follow me. This way.**

**Percy: This is the most direct path to the dormitories. Oh, and keep an eye on the staircases...they like to change.**

"Yesssss," Ginny murmured.

**The camera pans up and we see a vast amount of staircases, people walking on them, and some switching places.**

"Cool!" Lily cried.

**Percy: Keep up, please, and follow me. Quickly now, come on. Come on. {They begin walking up the stairs}**

"Oh, a bossy Prefect?" Fred mocked.

"Very good job, Percy," George laughed. Percy turned pink and groaned.

"Now is about the time Peeves came," Harry said.

**{First-years are pointing out paintings to each other}**

**Scene:**

**Approaching the Gryffindor dorms. They come up to a large painting of a large woman in a pink dress.**

**Woman: Password?**

"Or… not?" Ron said.

**Percy: _Caput Draconis._ {The woman nods and the painting opens to reveal a gape in the wall.} Follow me, everyone. Keep up, quickly, come on.**

The Weasley twins burst out in laughter.

**Girl: Oh, wow.**

**Percy: {Inside common room} Gather 'round here. Welcome to the Gryffindor Common Room. Boys' dormitories, upstairs and down to your left. Girls, the same on your right. You'll find that your belongings have already been brought up.**

"Very good job, Percy," the Weasley twins chimed.

**Scene: Mid-night. Harry is sitting by a window in his pj's, with his owl, Hedwig. He pets the owl and looks out the window, sighing with content.**

"Up late?" Ron said to Harry. "Naughty, naughty boy."


	8. The Potions Master

**Scene: Morning. Harry and Ron are running through the stone halls to their class. They rush in. In the class, a tabby cat is sitting on a desk.**

"Oh, it's Transfiguration," Ron muttered. "Yeah, we were late to that quite a few times."

" _Quite a few_?" McGonagall said faintly. "I think you mean every single lesson of your first year?" Everyone burst out laughing.

"Well, Professor, the staircases keep moving, and there's doors that don't open, and there's Filch to deal with _and Peeves_ ," Harry said in their defence. Professor McGonagall just rolled her eyes.

**Ron: Whew, amazing, can you imagine the look on old McGonagall's face if we were late?**

McGonagall gave him a death stare. If looks could kill, Ron would be dead.

**The cat jumps off the desk and turns into Professor McGonagall. The two boys are amazed.**

Everyone burst out laughing.

**Ron: That was bloody brilliant.**

Hermione rolled her eyes and punched Ron's arm.

**McGonagall: Thank you for that assessment, Mr. Weasley. Maybe if I were to transfigure Mr. Potter and yourself into a pocket-watch, maybe one of you would be on time.**

"Ooh, burn!" Ginny cried.

**Harry: We got lost.**

**McGonagall: Then perhaps a map? I trust you don't need one to find your seats.**

Everyone was laughing so hard, and Ron and Harry were blushing in embarrassment. Even if this wasn't exactly what happened, it was similar.

**Scene: Snape's potions class. The students are chattering, sitting near steaming cauldrons. The door slams open and Snape comes rushing in.**

"Oh, we don't get to see me being the only person who can turn a match into a needle?" Hermione said in annoyance.

"Such a know-it-all," Ron mumbled.

"Hey, but we didn't have Potions on our first day," Hermione pointed out. "Our first lesson was on that Friday."

"It's probably just transitioning through the scenes," Ginny said. "You know, because movies can't go for that long. Which is good, I guess, hopefully we'll get out of here before the Hogwarts term ends, and our kids can go after the Christmas break."

**Snape: There will be no foolish wand waving or silly incantations in this class.**

"Thank you for not pointing me out on the role-marking sir," Harry said.

Draco made an imitation on Snape's voice, "Ah, yes. Harry Potter, our new celebrity."

Snape hit him across the head.

**Snape: As such, I don't expect many of you to enjoy the subtle science and exact art that is potion making. However, for those select few {looks at Draco, who smiles}**

Draco's eyes lit up.

**Snape: who possess the predisposition, I can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses. I can tell you how to bottle fame, brew glory and even put a stopper {Draco looks on} in death. {Dracoraises his eyebrows.} {Snape sees Harry, writing this down, in, his view, not paying attention.}**

"Oh, come on!" Harry cried. "I did not do that! I was just sitting there like everyone else!"

Snape shrugged.

**Snape: Then again, maybe some of you have come to Hogwarts in possession of abilities so formidable that you feel confident enough to not...pay...attention.**

Harry groaned. This was so unfair! He wasn't even taking notes!

**Hermione nudges Harry in the ribs. He looks up.**

"Thanks, Hermione," Harry said angrily.

**Snape: Mr. Potter. Our...new...celebrity.**

"Haha, now?" Harry fumed. This lesson was all wrong, and he didn't like it.

**Snape: Tell me, what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?**

Just then, Lily senior looked over at Snape.

"You didn't," she said, staring him in the eyes. Everyone else was confused as hell.

"I did," Snape nodded.

"That means you…" Lily was breathing, tears forming in her eyes.

Snape nodded. "But it's OK. You chose your path. I chose mine. That doesn't mean I don't still love you."

Lily closed her eyes in grief, then was teleported over to Snape. James senior was terrified. Was his wife about to cheat on him for Snivellous?

But then Lily did something unexpected. She slapped Snape across the face. "WHY DID YOU PUT THIS PRESSURE ON MY SON?!" She turned to Harry. "Did he always treat you bad?" Harry nodded truthfully. "HOW DARE YOU! WHY WOULD YOU? HOW COULD YOU?"

"Because of James," Snape croaked. "Because he bullied me, and Harry reminded me of him."

"THEN TAKE IT OUT ON JAMES! HOW DARE YOU TREAT MY SON THAT WAY! IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME, YOU WOULD HAVE TAKEN CARE OF MY SON!"

"I… I did!" Snape said. "I saved him from Quirrell!"

"PROTECT HIM PROPERLY! SEND HIM TO SIRIUS! BE HIS FATHER AT SCHOOL! I DON'T CARE, BUT TREAT HIM WELL! WOULD YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO HIM IF YOU WERE THE FATHER? JUST BECAUSE HARRY'S FATHER IS JAMES DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE ANY RIGHT TO TREAT HIM LIKE THAT!" Lily's face was boiling red with anger.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm dead now. Let's just keep watching the movie, please."

"This conversation is _not_ over," Lily spat.

**Snape: {Hermione's hand skyrockets. Harry shrugs.} You don't know? Well, let's try again. Where, Mr. Potter, would you look if I asked you to find me a bezoar? {Hermione's hand shoots up again.}**

**Harry: I don't know, Sir.**

Snape would've said something, but he remained silent. He couldn't bear another reprimand from Lily. He was finally seeing her again, and he'd stuffed it up. About thirty years ago.

**Snape: And what is the difference between Monkshood and Wolfbane?**

**Harry: I don't know, Sir.**

"I did! Why didn't you just ask me!" Hermione said grumpily.

**Snape: Pity. Clearly, fame isn't everything, is it, Mr. Potter?**

Lily still had a pot of anger bubbling inside of her. _How dare he_?

**Scene: In the great hall, probably midday. The students are all working on homework.**

So the movie didn't include Neville getting boils all over him, and Harry getting blamed for it. He would have pointed that out, but Snape honestly looked like he was crying.

**Seamus is trying a spell on a cup.**

**Seamus: Eye of rabbit, harp string hum. Turn this water, into rum. {Looks in cup and shakes head.} Eye of rabbit, harp string hum...**

**Harry: What's Seamus trying to do to that glass of water?**

"Obviously turn it to rum," Harry said. "This didn't even happen.

**Ron: Turn it into rum. Actually managed a weak tea yesterday, before...**

**ZAPOOF! The cup explodes. There is laughter amongst the students. Suddenly, a flock of owls start coming into the hall from the rafters above.**

"Like Harry said, that didn't happen," Seamus said, running his finger through his sandy hair.

**Ron: Ah. Mail's here!**

"Now am I gonna be invited to Hagrid's?" Harry wondered aloud.

**The owls soar by, dropping parcels to students. Harry gets nothing. He sees the newspaper Ron has put down.**

**Harry: Can I borrow this? {Ron nods} Thanks.**

**Neville is unwrapping a gift. It is a clear ball with gold around it.**

"I didn't get the remembrall until the day of the broom practice," Neville said. "Oh my gosh, how did I remember that?"

Everyone cheered for Neville.

**Seamus: Hey, look! Neville's got a Remembrall!**

**Hermione: I've read about those. When the smoke turns red {the smoke turns red}, it means you've forgotten something.**

"You've read about everything, Hermione," Ron muttered. Hermione rolled her eyes.

**Neville: The only problem is, I can't remember what I've forgotten.**

Everyone laughed.

**Harry: Hey, Ron, somebody broke into Gringotts. Listen, Believed to be the work of dark witches or wizards unknown, Gringotts goblins, while acknowledging the breach, insist that nothing was taken. The vault in question, number 713, had in fact been emptied earlier that same day. That's odd. That's the vault Hagrid and I went to. {shows Harry, Ron and Hermione looking suspicious}**

"That's what we found out when we went to Hagrid's," Ron said.


	9. The Midnight duel

**Scene: Outside, flying practice. The students, Gryffindor and Slytherin, are lined up in two rows with brooms by their sides. The teacher, MADAM HOOCH, comes down the line. She has short hair and hawk yellow eyes.**

"Ha! Now everyone can see how good I am at flying," Draco drawled.

**Hooch: Good afternoon, class.**

"Polite greeting, Madam," Harry said to Hooch, remembering how she had just told them to hurry up and stand by a broom.

**Class: Good afternoon, Madam Hooch.**

**Hooch: Good afternoon, Amanda, good afternoon.**

Everyone looked at the screen and bewilderment.

**Hooch: {to class} Welcome to your first flying lesson.**

"Thanks for welcoming us," Ron said sarcastically.

**Hooch: Well, what are you waiting for? Everyone step up to the left side of their broomstick. Come on now, hurry up. Stick your right hand over the broom and say, Up!**

"OK," Hermione said. "Hooch is back." Everyone laughed.

**Class: Up!**

**Harry's broom flies into his hand.**

"Why is Harry always the best at everything?" Ron whined. Harry chuckled.

**Harry: Whoa. {Hermione stares as the class continues.}**

"The whole thing was stupid," Hermione mumbled. "We could have easily of just bent down and picked it up!"

"Agreed," Aunt Marge said. She still thought this was a stupid film.

**Draco: Up! {broomstick flies up and Draco smugly grins.}**

The Weasleys groaned.

**Hooch: With feeling!**

"That woman is so dramatic," Hooch

**Hermione: Up. Up. Up. Up.**

**Ron: Up! {His broom flies up and conks him on the nose} Ow! {Harry laughs} Shut up, Harry. {laughs}**

Everyone laughed out loud.

**Hooch: Now, once you've got hold of your broom, I want you to mount it. And grip it tight, you don't want to be sliding off the end. {Class mounts}**

"You'd been holding wrong, hey, Malfoy?" Ron said to Draco. Draco groaned.

**Hooch: When I blow my whistle, I want each of you to kick off from the ground, hard. Keep your broom steady, hover for a moment, and then lean forward slightly and touch back down. On my whistle...3...2...{tweet!}**

"Oh, I guess I'm not going to fly off then?" Neville said.

**Neville immediately lifts off. He looks quite frightened.**

"Oh…" Neville said. "But she already blew the whistle!"

**Neville: Oh...**

**Hooch: Mr. Longbottom.**

"That is not what you said," Neville mentioned. "You just shouted, 'Come back, boy'!"

Madam Hooch shrugged.

**Girl: Neville, what are you doing?**

"I WENT UP ON THE WHISTLE HERE!" Neville cried. "I know I didn't actually, but still!"

**Students: Neville...Neville...**

**Boy: We're not supposed to take off, yet.**

"THE WHISTLE WENT!"

**Hooch: {Neville begins soaring away} M-M-Mr. Longbottom Mr. Longbottom!**

**Neville: AHH!**

Everyone laughed.

**Hooch: Mr. Longbottom!**

**Neville: {soars away} Down! Down! Ahhhh!**

"Now this is entertainment," Draco sneered.

**Harry: Neville! {shouting}**

**Neville: Help!**

**Hooch: Come back down this instant!**

"Can't you see he can't?" Hermione cried.

"I didn't say that, though."

**Neville: AHH!**

**He soars through the sky and hits a wall, conking along it and then swooping off.**

"Hm, I don't remember hitting a wall," Neville said.

**All the while, he is screaming. He begins to zoom back towards the group of students. Hooch holds out her wand to stop him.**

"This movie has made it so much more dramatic," Harry laughed.

**Neville: Help!**

**Hooch: Mr. Longbottom! {Neville approaches. The students scatter and Hooch dives out of the way. Neville goes through the scatter and up a tower.}**

**Neville: Ahhhh! Whoa! Ahhh! {zooms past a statue of a man with a sharp spear. Neville's cloak catches on it. He is flipped off the broom and hangs there.} Oh. Ah...help! {He wavers, then the cloak rips, and he falls, catching on a torch, but then slipping out and falling to the ground.} Ahh!**

"Now that is what I call dramatic," Neville said, stunned. "They couldn't even, wow!"

**Hooch: Everyone out of the way! {She runs through the group, and they scatter.} Come on, get up.**

"I did not say that," Hooch said grumpily.

**Girl: Is he alright?**

"Oh, yes," Neville said. "I just fell from a very high height, and in this went down a few spears. I think I'm doing _fine_." Everyone laughed.

**Neville: Owowowow.**

**Hooch: Oh, oh, oh, oh dear. It's a broken wrist. Tch, tch, tch. Good boy, come on now, up you get.**

"They're giving me so many extra lines," Madam Hooch muttered.

**{Draco reaches down and grabs Neville's Remembrall, which has fallen. Hooch begins to lead Neville away with her.}**

**Hooch: Everyone's to keep their feet firmly on the ground while I take Mr. Longbottom to the hospital wing. Understand? If I see a single broom in the air, the one riding it will find themselves out of Hogwarts before they can say Quidditch. {Exit.}**

"Well I didn't get expelled," Harry said.

"Neither did I," Draco added.

**Draco: {snickers} Did you see his face? Maybe if the fat lump had given this a squeeze, he'd have remembered to fall on his fat ass. {Laughs.}**

"Remember when Pavarti had stood up for the fat lump?" Pansy shrieked in laughter.

"Shut the heck up," Parvati sneered.

**Harry: Give it here, Malfoy.**

**Draco: No. I think I'll leave it somewhere for Longbottom to find. {hops on broom and soars around group, then through.} How 'bout up on the roof? {soars off and hovers high in the sky.} What's the matter, Potter? Bit beyond your reach?**

"I said up a tree," Draco cried.

**Harry grabs his broom and runs to get on it. Hermione stops him.**

**Hermione: Harry, no! You heard what Madam Hooch said! Besides, you don't even know how to fly. {Harry flies off.} What an idiot.**

Ron laughed.

"I actually didn't say that last line," Hermione pointed out.

**Harry is now in the air, across from Draco.**

**Harry: Give it here, Malfoy, or I'll knock you off your broom!**

"Yes, Harry!" Hermione was now cheering. "You're lucky we didn't all get in trouble. Or I would've killed you.

**Draco: Is that so? {Harry makes a dash for him, but Draco twirls around his broom in a 360.} Have it your way, then! {He throws the Remembrall into the air.}**

"Ahh, so that's why you got him to be a seeker, Professor," Wood said.

**Harry zooms after the ball, speeding towards a tower. Just as he is about to hit a window, from which McGonagall is working/watching, he catches it, and then heads back to the group. The students all cheer and run to see him.**

McGonagall smiled at Wood, then nodded.

**Boy: Good job, Harry!**

**Boy 2: Oh, that was wicked, Harry.**

**McGonagall: {appears quickly} Harry Potter? Follow me. {Harry sullenly follows her. Draco and his goons laugh.}**

"Wow, this version of you is so calm," Harry pointed out, then he imitated her yell, "HARRY POTTER!"

**Scene: Professor Quirrells classroom. He is inside, teaching, holding an iguana.**

"Professor, you didn't even yell at me," Harry said. "It's a miracle."

**Quirrell: An iguana s-such as this is {McGonagall approaches the class and stops Harry}**

**McGonagall: You wait here.**

**Quirrell: An essential in-gredient**

"But why are we at Quirrell's?" Harry wondered aloud. "We went to Flitwick's."

**McGonagall: Excuse me, excuse me, Professor Quirrell. Could I borrow Wood for a moment?**

"Wow, that sounds scary," Albus said. "It sounds like it would be some cane that's made of Wood."

**Quirrell: Oh. Y-yes, of course. {a boy, OLIVER WOOD, gets up to leave and Quirrell continues.} And the vampire b-bat...{eerie roar.}**

**McGonagall: Potter, this is Oliver Wood. Wood, I have found you a Seeker!**

Everyone laughed. "She turned so calm all of a sudden," Harry was saying.

**Scene: Harry and Ron are walking through crowded halls. Sir Nicholas and a lady ghost float by.**

**Nick: Have you heard? Harry Potter's the new Gryffindor Seeker. I always knew he'd do well.**

"Oh, thank you, Nick," Harry said.

**Ron: Seeker? But first years never make their house teams! You must be the youngest Quidditch player in**

**Harry: A century, according to McGonagall.**

"Actually Wood told me," Harry said, annoyed.

**Fred and George approach and walk along with Ron and Harry.**

**Fred: Hey, well done, Harry, Wood's just told us!**

**Ron: Fred and George are on the team, too. Beaters.**

"Now we can't even speak for ourselves?" George pouted.

**George: Our job is to make sure that you don't get bloodied up too bad. Can't make any promises, of course. Rough game, Quidditch.**

"George did not say that," Fred said.

**Fred: Brutal. But no one's died in years. Someone will vanish occasionally... {They break off from Harry and Ron, who walk across a courtyard.}**

"And Fred didn't say that," George added.

**George: But they'll turn up in a month or two!**

Everyone laughed.

**Ron: Oh, go on, Harry, Quidditch is great. Best game there is! And you'll be great, too! {Hermione jumps up from her work and comes to join them.}**

"Why are we walking?" Harry noticed. "When we had this conversation, it was dinner time."

**Harry: But I've never even played Quidditch. What if I make a fool of myself?**

**Hermione: You won't make a fool of yourself. It's in your blood.**

"No Malfoy coming to challenge me to the midnight duel?" Harry asked.

"You had a duel?!" Ginny cried.

"Oh, yes. Very graphic, super fun," Harry said, rolling his eyes at Draco.

**Scene: The three approach a trophy case. Hermione points at a plaque of Quidditch players. One lists Harry's father as a Seeker.**

"That's cool," Harry said, amazed.

**Ron: Whoa. Harry, you never told me your father was a Seeker, too.**

**Harry: I-I didn't know.**

**Scene: The three are walking up a staircase. A railing pulls in...Hermione looks, but continues walking.**

**Ron: I'm telling you, it's spooky. She knows more about you than you do.**

**Harry: Who doesn't?**

Harry laughed.

**The staircase shudders and begins to move. The three grab the railings.**

**Ron: Ahh!**

**Hermione: {Gasps.}**

**Harry: What's happening?**

"Oh, I wonder," Harry snarled to his screen self.

**Hermione: The staircases change, remember? {The staircase stops, in a new place.}**

"Good point," Ron said.

**Harry: {taps Ron} Let's go this way.**

**Ron: Before the staircase moves again. {They all open a door and walk into a spooky, dark room.}**

"I honestly don't remember this," Harry sighed.

**Harry: Does anyone feel like...we shouldn't be here?**

**Hermione: We're not supposed to be here. This is the 3rd floor. It's forbidden.**

"Oh… wait…" Hermione said. "We were at the third floor…"

"At midnight," Neville finished. "I remember."

**Suddenly, a flame lights on a tall stone support. At that moment, the caretaker's cat, MRS. NORRIS, comes running in and meows. The group jumps.**

**Harry: Let's go.**

**{meow}**

**Ron: It's Filch's cat!**

**Harry: Run!**

"So what happened was Malfoy tricked us about a midnight duel," Harry said, "and then Hermione started following us, and Neville, and then Filch came and we ran to the third floor…"

**The group runs. Flames are lit as they go. They get to the end of the corridor, to a door. Harry grabs the handle, but it's locked.**

"OK, this must be the door to Fluffy, then," Hermione said.

**Harry: It's locked!**

**Ron: That's it, we're done for!**

**Hermione: Oh, move over! {pushes through and pulls out wand} Alohomora. {The door opens.} Get in. {They bustle in.}**

**Ron: Alohomora?**

**Hermione: Standard book of spells, Chapter 7.**

"Duh," Hermione muttered.

**Filch appears at the start of the corridor with a light. Mrs. Norris looks at him.**

**Filch: Anyone here, my sweet? {meow} Come on. {exit.}**

"Lucky duckies," Ron said.

**Hermione: Filch is gone.**

**Ron: Probably thinks this door's locked.**

**Hermione: It was locked.**

**Harry: And for good reason. {Ron and Hermione turn to stand with Harry. There is a massively huge three headed dog sleeping in front of them. The dog, FLUFFY, begins to wake. It growls, yawns, and growls more...noticing the intruders.}**

"I WAS THERE!" Neville cried.

**All: AHHHHHHH! {The three bolt, running out of the door. They turn quickly to shut the door and battle against the dog. They get the door shut and run.}**

**Scene:**

**Back in the Gryffindor room. They are breathless.**

"Well that was scary," Lily Junior mumbled.

**Ron: What do they think they're doing? Keeping a thing like that locked up in a school.**

"I know right," Ron said.

**Hermione: You don't use your eyes, do you? Didn't you see what it was standing on?**

**Ron: I wasn't looking at its feet! I was a bit preoccupied with its heads. Or maybe you didn't notice, there were three! {they begin to climb the stairs to the dorms.}**

"Hey, you basically stole my line!" Harry cried.

**Hermione: It was standing on a trap door. Which means it wasn't there by accident. It's guarding something.**

**Harry: Guarding something?**

"Did I stutter?" Hermione snapped.

**Hermione: That's right. Now, if you two don't mind, I'm going to bed before either of you come up with another clever idea to get us killed...or worse, expelled! {turns and leaves, shutting the door to her dorms.}**

Everyone laughed.

**Ron: She needs to sort out her priorities!**

**Harry nods.**


	10. Hallowe’en

Scene: Outside, day time. Oliver and Harry appear, carrying a trunk. They put it down.

"Why am I training before I get my broom?" Harry muttered.

Oliver: Quidditch is easy enough to understand. Each team has seven players, 3 chasers, 2 beaters, 1 keeper, that's me, and a seeker, that's you. There are three kinds of balls. {picks up a red one} This one's called the Quaffle. Now, the chasers handle the Quaffle and try to put it through one of those three hoops. {Points to a faraway Quidditch pitch.} The keeper, that's me, defends the hoops. {throws ball to Harry.} With me so far?

Harry and Wood were both as confused as each other. This didn't happen before he'd gotten his broom…

Harry: {throws back} I think so. What are those? {points to two squirming chained down balls.}

"Bludgers, duh," Ron muttered.

Oliver: ...You better take this. {hands Harry a small bat. He bends down and releases one ball. With an angry growl, it flies off into the air. The two boys watch it.} Careful now, it's comin' back. {The balls comes whizzing down, and Harry cracks at it with the bat. The ball soars off through a statue.} Eh, not bad, Potter, you'd make a fair beater...Uh-oh. {The ball zooms down, and Oliver grabs it, wriggling to get it back in the box. He succeeds and is out of breath.} Bludger. Nasty little buggers. But the only ball I want you to worry about is this...the Golden Snitch. {hands Harry a walnut sized golden ball.}

"Of course you'd be a good beater," Ron muttered. "You're good at everything."

Harry: I like this ball.

Oliver: Ah, you like it now. Just wait. It's wicked fast and damn near impossible to see.

"Agreed," Harry nodded.

Harry: What do I do with it?

Oliver: You catch it...before the other team's seeker. You catch this, the game is over. You catch this, Potter, and we win.

"Makes a seeker seem so special," Hermione huffed. "Apart from the fact that the entire game you just sit on your broomstick watching the game until you find the Snitch." Harry rolled his eyes.

{The ball flutters out two delicate wings and jumps into the air. Harry keeps an eye on it.}

Harry: Whoa.

"Whoa," Lily junior said in awe.

Scene: PROFESSOR FLITWICK's class. The teacher is very short, and is standing on a bunch of books.

Flitwick: One of a wizard's most rudimentary skills is levitation, the ability to make objects fly. Uh, do you all have your feathers? {Hermione raises hers.}

"Oh, it's this lesson," Ron muttered. "Win-gaaaaaar-dium Levi-ooooooooooo-sa!"

Hermione rolled her eyes at her husband.

Flitwick: Good. Now, uh, don't forget the nice wrist movement we've been practicing, hmm? The swish and flick. Everyone. {All: The swish and flick.} Good. And enunciate. Wingardium Leviosa. Off you go then.

Draco: Wingardium Levio-saaa.

Hermione groaned. "It's honestly not that hard." Everyone laughed.

{All practice.}

Ron: Wingardrium Leviosar. {whacks with wand numerous times.}

"You seriously have speaking issues, Ron," Hermione muttered angrily.

Hermione: Stop, stop, stop. You're going to take someone's eye out. Besides, youre saying it wrong. It's Leviosa, not Leviosar.

"Gotta make the gar nice and long," Ron imitated. Hermione shoved him.

Ron: You do it then if you're so clever. Go on, go on.

Hermione giggled.

Hermione straightens up and swishes her wand.

Hermione: {crisply} Wingardium Leviosa. {The feather glows and lifts up. Ron puts his head on his books dejectedly.}

Hermione's face was red with laughter, tears of joy rolling down her cheeks. Ron had him arms crossed, looking up at the screen, annoyed.

Flitwick: Oh, well done! See here, everyone! Ms. Granger's done it! Oh, splendid!

"Of course she has," Ron said in an annoyed tone.

Seamus begins swishing at his feather.

Seamus: Wingard Levosa. Wingard Levosa. {Flitwick to Hermione: Well done, dear.}

"This honestly makes me seem so weird," Seamus said angrily.

BOOOM! Seamus' feather explodes. Flitwick gasps.

"Why am I an exploding person?!" Seamus cried.

Flitwick: Whooaaa! Ooh.

Harry: I think we're going to need another feather over here, Professor.

"You think?" Harry said.

Scene: Neville, Harry, Ron and Seamus are walking through a courtyard with other students all around.

Ron: It's Leviosa, not Leviosar. Honestly, she's a nightmare. No wonder she hasn't got any friends!

"I knew you were angry at me, but I didn't know what you'd said!" Hermione cried.

"Then why were you crying?" Ron asked.

"Because I felt bad for constantly snapping at you."

Hermione bustles past, sniffling.

Harry: I think she heard you.

Ron looked at Hermione sorrowfully. "I was a jerk to you, too, I guess."

Scene: Night, in the great hall. It is Halloween. Everyone is eating candy, and Jack O'Lanterns are keeping the place lit. There is chatter.

"That is mega cool!" Dudley said, his eyes widening at all the junk food. His parents shook their heads.

Harry: Where's Hermione?

Neville: Parvati Patil said that she wouldn't come out of the girl's bathroom. She said that she'd been in there all afternoon...crying.

"Actually, we overheard Parvati say that to Lavender!" Harry said, narrowing his eyes at the screen.

{Ron and Harry exchange glances. Suddenly, Professor Quirrell comes flying into the room, screaming.}

Quirrell: TROLL! IN THE DUNGEON! T-TROOLLL IN THE DUNGEON! {stops and there is utter silence.} Thought you ought to know. {falls over in a dead faint.}

"You know, I should have just not alerted you all about the troll, then let it kill you all! Then I could have easily got the Philosopher's Stone!" Quirrell said thoughtfully.

The room is silent, and then everyone freaks, screaming and running.

Dumbledore: SILLLLLEEENNNNCEEEEE! {Everyone stops.} Everyone will please, not panic. Now, Prefects will lead their houses back to the dormitories. Teachers will follow me to the dungeons.

"Wait, but the Slytherin dormitories are in the dungeons," Albus cried.

Girl: Hufflepuff, this way!

Boy: Stay together!

"Percy being so dramatic, I remember this!" Fred and George chimed.

Snape looks aghast, and he disappears through a doorway.

Scene: Percy is leading the house down a hall.

"Yes Percy!" Fred cried.

Percy: Gryffindors...keep up please. And stay alert!

"Yeah Gryffindors, stay alert!" George laughed.

Harry: How could a troll get in?

Ron: Not by itself. Trolls are really stupid. Probably people playing jokes. {Suddenly, Harry stops and pulls Ron aside.} What?

Everyone nodded in agreement. "Trolls are stupid," Hermione said.

Harry: Hermione! She doesn't know!

"Thanks for thinking of me Harry," Hermione said. "You're very thoughtful, unlike some people." She narrowed her eyes on Ron.

The two run off, down corridors. They start running down a hall when they stop, because there is a grunting noise. Harry pulls Ron into a doorway and a large, ugly TROLL thunks by into a room.

"This is where it got locked in there with me," Hermione muttered.

Harry looked at Ron, remembering that they had locked the troll in the bathroom.

Harry: He's going into the Girl's Bathroom!

"What?" Ron cried. "We didn't figure out that it was the girl's bathroom until after we'd locked it in there!"

"You locked it in there?" Hermione cried. Ron sunk into his seat.

"It was Harry's idea."

"But we didn't know it was the girl's bathroom! We did it to keep it away from everyone!" Harry said defensively.

Scene: In the bathroom, Hermione emerges from a stall, wiping her eyes. She stops when she sees something. The troll is standing there. Hermione backs up, into the stall just as the troll raises its club and smashes the top part of the stalls. Hermione screams. Harry and Ron come bursting in.

"We're here to save the day!" Ron cried. Hermione rolled her eyes.

Harry: Hermione, move!

The troll smashes the remaining stalls.

Hermione: Help! Help! {The boys start throwing wood pieces at the troll.}

"Wowwwww, that is so helpful!" Hermione muttered sarcastically.

"Well, it's not what we did, so don't judge," Harry shrugged.

Ron: Hey, pea brain! {Ron throws wood and hits the troll on the head. Hermione escapes from the stalls to under a sink, but the troll sees her and goes to smash her. It cracks the sink and barely misses Hermione. Harry cringes.}

"I'm actually moving," Hermione mused. "I thought I was just up against the wall the entire time."

"You were," Harry snarled.

Hermione: Ahhh! Help!

Harry gets out his wand. He runs forward and grabs the troll's club, and is lifted up.

Harry: Whooa! Whoa, whoa! {He lands on the troll's head, and is hurled forward, then back, and his wand goes up the troll's nose.}

Harry nodded at the memory.

Ron: Ew.

The troll snorts, and whips around.

Harry: Whoa, whoa whoa!

The troll gets Harry off its head and is holding him by one leg, upside down. It gears up its club and swipes at Harry. He pulls himself up, then down. The troll swipes again.

"Ohhh…. I was just on it's shoulders…" Harry said.

Harry: Do something! {swipe}

Ron: What? {swipe}

Harry: Anything! Hurry up!

"You didn't have to tell me," Ron said. "I immediately helped you!" Harry nodded in agreement.

Ron grabs his wand. Under the sink, Hermione waves her hand.

Hermione: Swish and flick!

"Ugh, I did that by myself," Ron muttered.

Ron: Wingardium Leviosa! {flick. The club is lifted out of the troll's hand and hovers above its head. The troll looks up, confused, just as the club comes crashing back down. (Ron: Cool.) It hits the troll's head and the troll wavers, then drops Harry, who crawls away, and comes crashing down, hard.

"Ewww… the wand will just go further up his nose," Ginny said.

Hermione approaches carefully.

Hermione: Is it...dead?

Harry: I don't think so. Just knocked out. {He grabs his wand...which is covered in goo.} Ew. Troll bogies.

"Ewwww…" Albus said.

Suddenly, McGonagall, Snape and Quirrell come rushing in.

They all gasp.

"Perfect timing, Professors," Harry muttered. "Just perfect."

McGonagall: Oh! Oh, my goodness! E-Explain yourselves, both of you!

Ron and Harry: Well, what it is...

"That must have looked so bad…" Ginny said, although she was laughing.

Hermione: It's my fault, Professor McGonagall. {The teachers, and Ron and Harry, gape}

"We never thanked you for that, Hermione," Harry said, nodding to his friend.

"Yeah, thanks heaps," Ron said happily.

McGonagall: Miss Granger?

Hermione: I went looking for the troll. I'd read about them and thought I could handle it. But I was wrong. If Harry and Ron hadn't come and found me...I'd probably be dead.

"Wait a minute…" Professor McGonagall. "That wasn't true, was it?"

Hermione gnawed on her lip and shook her head. Professor McGonagall sighed.

McGonagall: Be that as it may...it was an extremely foolish thing to do. {Harry looks at Snape's leg...which has a large cut on it. Snape notices and covers it up, glaring at Harry.} I would have expected more rational behaviour on your part, Ms. Granger. 5 points will be taken from Gryffindor for your serious lack of judgment. As for you two gentlemen I just hope you realize how fortunate you are. Not many students could take on a full grown mountain troll and live to tell the tale. 5 points...will be awarded to each of you. For sheer dumb luck. {Snape and McGonagall exit.}

"We get points for being lucky, woo-hoo!" Harry cried.

Quirrell: Perhaps you ought to go...M-might wake up...heh. {Exit Ron and Harry and Hermione.} {Troll roars.} Ahh! Hehe...

Everyone groaned at Quirrell.

"Well this story will be way better since we're friends now!" Hermione said positively.


	11. Quidditch

**Scene: The next morning, in the great hall. The gang is sitting, eating. Harry is twirling his food on a fork.**

"The morning before the Quidditch match… already?" Harry wondered aloud.

**Ron: Take a bit of toast, mate, go on.**

**Hermione: Ron's right, Harry. You're gonna need your strength today.**

"That dialogue was so wrong…" Harry groaned.

**Harry: I'm not hungry.**

**Snape appears.**

"Maybe this is the make-up for the scene by the fire?" Hermione suggested.

**Snape: Good luck today, Potter. Then again, now that you've proven yourself against a troll, a little game of Quidditch should be easy work for you...even if it is against Slytherin. {Leaves, limping.}**

**Harry: That explains the blood.**

"But I didn't see any blood," Harry said. "Not until after we saw him limping and I went to get the book back."

**Hermione: Blood?**

**Harry: Listen, last night, I'm guessing Snape let the troll in as a diversion so he could try and get past that 3 headed dog. But, he got himself bitten, that's why he's limping.**

Snape looked at them angrily. "Of course you blame me."

**Hermione: But why would anyone go near that dog?**

**Harry: The day I was at Gringotts, Hagrid took something out of one of the vaults. He said it was Hogwarts' business, very secret.**

"The Philosopher's Stone," Hagrid said. "You guys…"

"This actually didn't happen. Some of it did the day before, though," Harry said.

**Hermione: So you're saying...**

**Harry: That's what the dog's guarding. That's what Snape wants.**

"We're so smart!" Ron cried.

**{An owl screeches. It is Hedwig. She is carrying a very large, long parcel. She drops it off.}**

"Now?" Hermione wondered. "You'd already got the broom before we became friends." Harry and Ron nodded.

**Hermione: Bit early for mail, isn't it?**

**Harry: But I-I never get mail.**

**Ron: Let's open it.**

**{They open it.}**

"Ughhhhhhhh!" Ron cried.

"And the first time I got mail was when Hagrid invited me over to his hut on that Friday.

**Harry: It's a broomstick!**

**Ron: Thats not just any broomstick, Harry. It's a Nimbus 2000!**

**Harry: But who...?**

**{He sees Professor McGonagall up at the head table, stroking Hedwig. She smiles and Harry nods.}**

"Thanks, Professor," Harry said. McGonagall smiled.

**Scene: Inside a Quidditch tower. The Gryffindor team is marching towards the starting gate. They reach it and stop, behind a closed double door.**

"Oooh Quidditch! Now I get to see Dad play Quidditch as a youngin!" Lily Jr said excitedly.

**Oliver: Scared, Harry?**

**Harry: A little bit.**

"No Oliver Wood's special speech?!" Fred and George cried in anger.

**Oliver: That's all right. I felt the same way before my first game.**

**Harry: What happened?**

**Oliver: Er, I don't really remember. I took a bludger to the head 2 minutes in. Woke up in the hospital a week later.**

"Really?" Wood said. "I don't remember that?"

**Harry gulps and looks straight ahead as the doors open. They mount their brooms and zoom out onto the enormous pitch. There is cheering. The commentator, LEE JORDAN, is talking from a tower.**

"Haha that was so funny of the movie-makers," Harry laughed. "They just made you scare me."

**Lee: Hello, and welcome to Hogwarts' first Quidditch game of the season! Today's game Slytherin versus Gryffindor!**

"I love Lee's commentary," George grinned. " _Angelina Johnson is attractive!_ "

Angelina hit her husband on the arm.

**{Cheering. Close-up of Gryffindor students. They are cheering. Neville: Gryffindor!}**

**The players take their positions in the air in a circle. Harry weaves in, highest amongst. He looks down.**

"And now Harry will be sitting on his broom for the entire game!" Hermione muttered, rolling her eyes.

**Lee: The players take their positions as Madam Hooch steps out onto the field to begin the game.**

"Wow, you're being sensible!" McGonagall said, like it was a miracle. Lee grinned.

**Hooch: Now, I want a nice clean game...from all of you. {looks at Slytherin. She kicks the trunk, and the bludgers zoom out.}**

"Oooohhh," Lily junior cried. "Now we can see amateur quidditch!"

Ginny rolled her eyes. "This quidditch is nothing compared to mine."

**Lee: The bludgers are up...followed by the Golden Snitch. Remember, the snitch is worth 150 points. The seeker who catches the Snitch ends the game.**

"This is unfamiliar," Lee said. "It just started with no explanation, actually."

**The snitch zooms around each Seeker's head, then disappears. Hooch grabs the Quaffle.**

**Lee: The Quaffle is released...and the game begins!**

"Let's go!" Ginny cried.

**Gryffindor takes possession of the ball and a chaser, ANGELINA JOHNSON, zooms past Slytherins towards their goal, and throws the ball, and scores! There is a ding.**

"That was quick," Hooch said. "Quicker than I remember…"

**Lee: Angelina Johnson scores! 10 points for Gryffindor! {He presses a button and a 10 shows up beside a plaque with Gryffindors name.}**

**Harry, in the air, claps.**

**Harry: Yes! {a bludger zooms by him.} Whoa!**

"I look so weird there," Harry said.

**In the stands, Gryffindor cheers.**

**Hagrid: Well done!**

"I'm already there?" Hagrid wondered aloud.

**Lee: Slytherin takes possession of the Quaffle. Bletchley passes to Captain Marcus Flint.**

Draco snickered.

**Flint dodges people and throws for the Gryffindor hoops. Oliver appears and whacks the ball away with his broom. He smirks at Flint, who glares. Johnson and KATIE BELL pass the Quaffle back and forth as they strategise to score. Johnson takes it, throws, and once again scores!**

"Shouldn't I have seen the snitch by now?" Harry wondered aloud.

**Ron and Seamus: Yay!**

**Harry: Yes!**

"Wait!" Dean cried. "Firstly, where are Neville and I, and secondly, what about our banner we made?!"

"I remember that banner," Neville said, smiling at the memory.

**Lee: Another 10 points to Gryffindor! {ding.}**

**Gryffindors: Yay!**

"Is there just no snitch in this?" Harry wondered aloud.

**The Slytherins decide to get messy. They dodge, kick, and try to score. Once again, Oliver blocks.**

**Flint: Give me that! {he grabs a beaters bat from one and whacks a bludger right at Oliver. It hits Oliver in the stomach and he falls to the ground.}**

"Ooh…" Oliver said, gulping. "That's kind of what he did to you, Harry. When you were about to get the snitch."

**Crowd: {Booing}**

**Harry is visibly upset.**

"My face though," Harry muttered, laughing.

**Slytherin laughs.**

**The Slytherin members head off. One jumps over George (or Fred) and scores. Harry is upset again. Slytherin cheers.**

**Flint: {to other members} Take that side!**

**They box Johnson in and sent her into the capes covering one of the towers. She falls down in and is out. The crowd boos. Slytherin scores once again. Suddenly, Harry sees the Snitch. He starts to head off after it and then his broom starts bucking and turning.**

" _Now_ I see the snitch?" Harry wondered aloud.

**Harry: Whoa! Whooa!**

**Hagrid: What's going on with Harry's broomstick?**

"WHAT?" Harry cried.

**Hermione looks through binoculars at Harry, then at Snape, who is muttering something.**

**Hermione: It's Snape! He's jinxing the broom!**

**Ron: Jinxing the broom? What do we do?**

"I WAS TRYING TO SAVE YOU, POTTER!" Snape cried.

**Hermione: Leave it to me. {She hands Ron her binoculars and leaves.}**

"Yep. Rely on Hermione," Ron said. "She can take on anything."

Hermione beamed.

**Harry is knocked around, then falls, dangling by one arm from the broom.**

**Ron: Come on, Hermione!**

"Geez, Ron!" Hermione muttered.

**Hermione is hurrying up a tower. She appears underneath Snape and touches his cloak with her wand.**

**Hermione: Lacarnum Inflamarae.**

Snape's eyes widened. "So that's why my cloak caught flames!"

**A spark ignites and Snape's cloak catches fire. Hermione leaves.**

Snape groaned. "My reward for saving your friend!"

"Sorry," Hermione said.

**Man: Fire! You're on fire!**

**Snape: What? Oh! {knocks the man back, who falls into Quirrell, who then also falls. Snape bats out the fire and acts as though nothing happened. The broom stop bucking, and Harry climbs back on. The Slytherin seeker is after the Snitch. Harry takes off.}**

"I knocked over Quirrell I'm pretty sure," Hermione said. "And I put the fire back in the jar."

**Ron: Go!**

**Hagrid: Go go go!**

"Your welcome," Hermione said.

"Right. Thanks," Harry said. "Thanks for saving me when I was eleven."

Hermione laughed.

**Harry rams the Slytherin Seeker, then is butted out. He returns, smashing the Seeker again as the Snitch dives. The boys follow, but they approach the ground quickly. The Slytherin Seeker backs out, and Harry pulls up his broom as he follows the Snitch, feet above the ground. Harry stands up, and steps forward, trying to grab the ball. He goes too far, and topples off the broom with a yelp, tumbling on the ground. He gets up and lurches.**

"This is where I vomited," Harry said, nodding at the memory. "We hope."

**The crowd gasps. Hermione appears beside a tower to see.**

**Hagrid: Looks like he's gonna be sick!**

**Harry lurches and the Snitch pops out of his mouth. It lands in his hands.**

"Woo-hoo! Go Dad!" James junior cried, delighted.

**Lee: He's got the Snitch! Harry Potter receives 150 points for catching the Snitch!**

"YES!" Albus cried out.

**Hooch: {Blows whistle} Gryffindor win!**

**All: YAY!**

**Draco: No!**

Harry laughed at Draco as he fumed.

**Hagrid: Yes!**

**Hermione: Whoo-hoo!**

**McGonagall: {Giggles happily}**

"What happened to _not being biased_ , Professor?" Lee smirked. McGonagall rolled her eyes.

**Harry raises the Snitch into the air and the crowd, and his team, cheers.**

"Yeah, Dad!" Lily cried.

**Crowd: Go go Gryffindor! Go go Gryffindor! Go go Gryffindor! Go go Gryffindor!**

**Scene:**

**Harry, Hermione and Ron are walking along a path with Hagrid, talking.**

"No tea in Hagrid's hut?" Hermione mentioned. Harry and Ron shrugged.

**Hagrid: Nonsense. Why would Snape put a curse on Harry's broom?**

**Harry: Who knows. Why was he trying to get past that 3 headed dog on Halloween?**

"Stop jumping to conclusions!" Snape cried.

**Hagrid: Who told you 'bout Fluffy?**

"Fluffy!" Ron cried.

**Ron: Fluffy?**

**Hermione: That thing has a name?**

"Do you expect me to not name him?" Hagrid cried.

**Hagrid: Well, of course he's got a name. He's mine. I bought him off an Irish feller I met down at the pub last year. Then I lent him to Dumbledore to guard the**

"No, I got him from a Greek chappie," Hagrid huffed.

**Harry: Yes?**

**Hagrid: Shouldn'ta said that. Don't ask any more questions. That's top secret, that is.**

Harry, Ron and Hermione laughed.

**Harry: But Hagrid, whatever Fluffy's guarding, Snape's trying to steal it!**

**Hagrid: Codswallop. Professor Snape is a Hogwarts teacher.**

"Yeah!" Snape cried.

"But Quirrell was a Hogwarts professor as well," Harry muttered.

**Hermione: Hogwarts teacher or not, I know a curse when I see one. I've read all about them. You have to keep eye contact. And Snape wasn't blinking.**

"Hermione's read all about everything," Ron murmured. Hermione gave him a look that could kill.

**Harry: Exactly.**

**Hagrid: {sighs} Now, you listen to me, all three of you. You're meddlin' in things that ought not to be meddled in. It's dangerous. What that dog is guarding is strictly between Professor Dumbledore and Nicholas Flamel.**

"Oh Hagrid," Harry said, shaking his head.

**Harry: Nicholas Flamel?**

**Hagrid: I shouldn't have said that. I should not have said that. I should not have said that. {Exit.}**

Everyone burst out laughing.

**Harry: Nicholas Flamel...Who's Nicholas Flamel?**

**Hermione: I don't know.**


	12. The mirror of erised

Everyone had just stopped their laughing at Hagrid, and were settling back down to continue watching the movie.

**Scene: Christmas. The camera pans up to a snowy castle, then to Hagrid, who is bringing in a large tree.**

"I remember Weasley was so poor, he was looking for work to help the big oaf with the Christmas trees," Malfoy sneered.

Ron glared at him. "And I remember Malfoy being a complete ignorant bully."

All of a sudden, the voice boomed, "MAY I SAY SOMETHING: DRACO MALFOY IS ACTUALLY ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR CHARACTERS FROM THESE MOVIES. THERE ARE A LOT OF FANGIRLS OUT THERE WHO WANT TO DATE HIM!"

"WHAT?!" Harry, Ron and Hermione all exploded at once.

"How could heaps of people want to date a BULLY?!" Hermione cried, obviously disgusted.

"What is wrong with people?" Harry cried.

"AND ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR FANON SHIPS IS DRARRY — DRACO WITH HARRY!" The voice boomed.

Harry and Draco both stared at each other in disgust.

"WHAT THE !#$"

"DUWHFYGEFYHWUD!"

"$%^&!(*&%#%*%#^UHEYU3FUFHF!"

"Here's an idea!" Ginny cried. "We just all shut up, and watch the movie, so our kids can _enjoy Hogwarts_!"

Harry glared at Draco one last time before resuming the film.

**Inside the great hall, students are leaving and ghosts are singing (Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, ring the Hogwarts bell. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas...) Hermione approaches the empty tables, wheeling a cart. She goes to Ron and Harry, who are playing chess.**

"You're already planning to leave?" Ron said in bewilderment. "What about _our last time checking out the library because I'm Hermione and I'm so obsessed with the library and I'm a know-it-all!"_

"Shut up," Hermione muttered.

**Harry: Knight to E-5.**

"I don't remember seeing you two play chess," Hermione mentioned.

"Ron started teaching me in the Christmas holidays," Harry replied.

"Did you two even look for Nicholas Flamel?"

"Well, uhhh, that's debatable," Harry said, shaking his head. Hermione rolled her eyes.

**A piece moves across the board.**

**Ron thinks for a moment.**

**Ron: Queen to E-5.**

**A queen walks over to E-5 and clinks the knight away.**

"Jeez Dad, Uncle Ron is wayyy better at wizard chess than you," Lily snickered.

"Haha, very funny," Harry pretended to laugh, rolling his eyes. "I was just a beginner at that stage. I'm much better than Uncle Ron now."

**Hermione: That's totally barbaric!**

"Seriously? Why do these people have to do it wrong!" Ron cried.

**Ron: That's wizard's chess. I see you've packed.**

**Hermione: See you haven't.**

"Uhhh, because it was always the plan that my parents were going to Romania?" Ron said, shaking his head at the screen.

**Ron: Change of plans. My parents decided to go to Romania to visit my brother, Charlie. He's studying dragons there!**

" _Change of plans_?" Hermione cried.

"What the heck?" Harry said, totally confused.

**Hermione: Good. You can help Harry, then. He's going to go the library for information on Nicholas Flamel.**

"Well, we mostly did it when you were here, but of course you forced us into keep searching _on the holidays_ ," Ron said to Hermione.

"A job which you _didn't complete_!" Hermione snapped. Ron sunk into his seat.

**Ron: We've looked a hundred times!**

"Exactly!" Ron cried.

**Hermione: Not in the restricted section...Happy Christmas. {exits.}**

"Oooohhhh wow," Ron said. "That was literally the most un-Hermione thing I've ever heard."

"Definitely agree with that one," Harry said. Hermione laughed.

**Ron: I think we've had a bad influence on her.**

"Well here we have. In real life, I think she's had a bad influence on us," Ron pointed out. Hermione gave him a *friendly* punch.

**Scene:**

**X-mas morning. Hedwig is perched in the boys' room, and Harry is asleep in bed.**

**Ron: {calling from downstairs} Harry, wake up! Come on Harry, wake up!**

"When did I call for you to wake up?" Ron wondered aloud.

"I don't remember you ever waking me up either," Harry mentioned.

**Harry gets up and runs to a balcony overlooking the common room, where Ron is standing next to a tree. He is wearing a sweater with an R on it.**

"You're _already_ wearing your jumper from your mum?" Harry asked. "We literally woke up at the same time. And the presents were at the foot of the bed."

"I was just thinking that," Ron added.

**Ron: Happy Christmas, Harry.**

"WHO SAYS HAPPY CHRISTMAS!?" Ginny erupted. "IT'S MERRY CHRISTMAS! HOW DARE YOU RON!"

"I'm quite sure I said Merry Christmas, jeez Ginny," Ron said defensively.

**Harry: Happy Christmas, Ron. What are you wearing?**

"YOU TOO!" Ginny said, her voice fiery.

"I said Merry Christmas as well!" Harry cried.

"No you didn't," Ron said, "you just said, 'you too.' I shouldn't be wearing the jumper yet! I hadn't opened the presents yet!"

**Ron: Oh, Mum made it for me. Looks like you've got one too!**

Ron only just resisted not to throw something at the screen.

"Every year she makes us a sweater," Ginny said. "And of course Ron always gets maroon!" She laughed in a mocking tone.

"Oh, but maroon looks so good on you Ron!" Mrs Weasley cried. They turned to look at her, and she was knitting some maroon wool. Ron groaned out loud.

**Harry: I've got presents?**

**Ron: Yeah!**

"What did you expect, turnips?" Ron added, still fuming about the maroon jumper.

**Harry: Oh! {Harry runs down the stairs.}**

"Oh my god! But the presents were at the foot of our beds!" Harry and Ron cried in unison. They stared at each other for a moment. "JINX! DOUBLE JINX! TRIPLE JINX! QUADRUPLE JINX! FIF—" They both stopped for a second. They didn't know what you would say for the fifth thing.

"Neither of you can talk now!" Hermione cried graciously.

"Actually, I find myself completely capable of speaking," Ron snickered.

"Same," Harry said, raising his eyebrows at Hermione.

"Pity," Ginny said. "I hear your voice enough, it's soooo easy to get sick of."

Harry glared at his wife.

**Ron: There they are. {Ron sits on a couch arm and eats jelly beans as Harry picks up a silver wrapped package. Harry takes out the card.}**

"No, actually they were at the foot of your bed," Ron muttered. Harry nodded in agreement.

**Harry: "Your father left this in my possession before he died. It is time it was returned to you. Use it well."**

"Wait… wait… wait… what about the flute from Hagrid? The fifty cent piece from the Dursleys? The Weasley jumper and fudge from Mrs Weasley…" Harry started, and Ron's face turned pink at the mention of a Weasley jumper "…and the chocolate frogs from Hermione? The invisibility cloak was literally the _last present_."

A few people shrugged.

**Harry opens the present. It is a cloak.**

"Maybe it's just in the wrong order? Completely stupid, but I think it's just what these people do," Hermione said, rolling her eyes.

**Ron: What is it?**

**Harry: Some kind of...cloak.**

**Ron: Well, let's see then. Put it on.**

"But I'd heard of them! I knew it was an invisibility cloak!" Ron cried, turning to Harry, who nodded in agreement.

**Harry puts the cloak on, and all of him disappears except for his head.**

"So this is when you got that invisibility cloak," Ginny pointed out. "Is it correct?"

"Yes, I did get the invisibility cloak at Christmas," Harry agreed.

**Ron: Whoa!**

**Harry: My body's gone!**

"Woah, that's high technology! If muggles made this, they would have had to use some really cool tricks to make that work!" Mr Weasley cried excitedly.

"It was probably made with a green screen," Hermione suggested.

"What is a _green screen_?" Arthur cried.

"It's this green sheet thing that can turn into any background. In this case, the guy pretending to be Harry would have wrapped it around him and the background would have been whatever is behind him," Hermione explained.

"Oh, wow," Ron said. "That's quite weird. There's people _pretending to be us_. Do you think we'll get to find out who they are?"

"Well, it usually says the cast in the credits, at the end of the movie," Harry said.

"OH MY GOSH, WE MUST MEET THESE FAKE PEOPLE!" Ron cried.

**Ron: I know what that is! That's an invisibility cloak!**

"Oh _now_ I've figured it out? Just because Harry is wearing it! These movies are underestimating my very high intelligence!" Ron cried grumpily.

"Yes, it's just taking your incredibly high IQ of one down to zero," Hermione laughed.

"Hey! You forced me to do the IQ test and I got 89 IQ! Just because yours is 140…" Ron grumbled.

"Oh, shut up, Ronniekins," Hermione giggled.

**Harry: I'm invisible?**

"Yes, you are," Ron said. Harry chuckled.

**Ron: {gets up} They're really rare. I wonder who gave it to you.**

"Dumbledore," Harry said pointedly.

**Harry: {comes over} There was no name. It just said, "Use it well."**

"Hang on, didn't I find the note?" Ron said. "I saw it fall out of the wrapping paper after you'd tried it on."

"Mmmm…" Harry agreed.

**Scene:**

**Late at night. A lantern and hand appear, but nothing else. The ensemble walk through the dark library and into the Restricted Section. The lamp is put down, and the cloak removed. Harry appears.**

"Good job Harry!" Hermione cried sarcastically. "You did look, but when you were not supposed to! I'm sooooooo proud of you!"

Harry laughed and took a bow. "Why thank you!"

"The movie makers didn't bother to show us come in?" Fred faked a sob.

"Just like always… we should get used to it, Fred!" George faked his sob.

"And we didn't get to see Percy in his beautiful sweater!" Fred wailed out.

"P for Prefect!" George howled. The Weasley twins were then pretending to cry on top of each other, while really everyone could hear them laughing.

**Harry: {Reading books} Famous fire eaters...15th Century Fiends...Flamel...Nicholas Flamel...where are you?**

Harry turned to the Dursleys. "It left the Christmas dinner out, as well. For your information, wizard crackers are amazing! Muggle ones are _nothing_ compared to ours!"

Vernon narrowed his eyes at Harry.

"No, seriously—" Harry started.

"SHUT UP, WE DON'T CARE!" Dudley shouted.

**Harry picks up a book and opens it. A man's face appears.**

**Man: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**

"OMIGOD!" A few people shouted, then they all burst out laughing.

"Correct," Harry said. "But no man's face, just the scream.

**Harry slams the book shuts and puts it back.**

"Lucky you're smart enough to close it," Ron laughed.

"I was! It actually just _kept screaming_ ," Harry mentioned.

**Filchs voice: Who's there?! {Harry whips around, grabbing his cloak. The lamp falls and shatters.} I know you're in there. You can't hide. {Harry puts on his cloak and creeps around Filch.} Who is it? Show yourself!**

"I'm quite sure I broke the lamp in panic of the screaming book, not after hearing Filch," Harry said.

**Harry runs from the room, breathing heavily. He gets into the hall, where Mrs. Norris is. The cat meows and begins to follow him. Harry runs around a corner, just as Snape and Quirrell appear. Snape pushes Quirrell into the wall.**

"What?" Snape said. "They're seriously trying to evilise me."

"Well, Professor, you're pretty darn scary sometimes," Ron blurted out.

If looks could kill, Snape would have killed Ron, who immediately fell silent.

**Quirrell: Severus...I-I thought...**

**Snape: You don't want me as your enemy, Quirrell.**

"What the…" Quirrell was just as confused as Snape.

**Quirrell: W-what do you m-mean?**

**Snape: You know perfectly well what I mean. {Snape senses something. Harry stops breathing. Snape reaches out to grab something, but doesn't. He whips his finger back in front of Quirrell's face.} We'll have another chat soon...when you've had time to decide where your loyalties lie.**

"Oh, gosh…" Hermione muttered. "By everyone's reaction, I'm guessing they're just adding scenes, and deleting scenes? Why not just keep it the same, like gosh!"

Everyone laughed.

**Filch appears, carrying the broken lamp.**

**Filch: Oh, Professors. I found this, in the Restricted Section. It's still hot. That means there's a student out of bed.**

"It was just Snape there," Harry said. "And Filch went to him!"

**They all dart off. A door opens, and closes. On the other side, there is a vast, empty room that has a large mirror in the centre. Harry appears and walks over to the mirror. In it, he sees two people appear.**

"Ohhhh…" Harry said. "The mirror of erised. But the frame was actually golden."

**Harry: Mum? {the woman nods and smiles} Dad? {nods and smiles. Harry reaches out to touch them, but only gets the mirror. Then, his mother puts her hand on his shoulder. He puts his own hand on his own shoulders, as if trying to feel her there.**

"What about all the other Potters?" Harry wondered aloud.

**Scene:**

**The boys' room. Harry comes whipping in, invisible.**

**Harry: Ron! You've really got to see this! Ron! You've got to see this! {pulls back covers. Ron wakes up.} Ron, Ron, come on. Get out of bed!**

"Thanks for waking me up, Harry," Ron muttered.

"Hey, you came with me the next night!" Harry said in his defence.

**Ron: Why?**

**Harry: There's something you've got to see. Now, come on!**

"Whaaaaa…" Ron said. "You told me about it the next day, and we went that night.

McGonagall gasped sarcastically. "A hundred points off Gryffindor!" She joked. Then she actually gasped and covered her moth. "W-whoops. A hundred and one points to Gryffindor."

"What was the and one for?" Scorpius complained.

"Well," Professor McGonagall said slyly. "I happen to like Gryffindor."

Albus and Scorpius groaned.

**Scene:**

**Back in the mirror room. Harry and Ron appear as if magically and Harry runs to the mirror.**

**Harry: Come on. Come. Come look, it's my parents!**

**Ron: I only see me.**

"And I saw you," Ron pointed out. Harry nodded.

**Harry: {moves over} Look in properly. Go on. Stand there. There. You see them, don't you? Thats my dad —**

**Ron: That's me! Only, I'm head boy...and I'm holding the Quidditch cup! And bloody hell, I'm Quidditch Captain too! I look good. Harry, do you think this mirror shows the future?**

"I wish," Harry said sadly. His parents were teleported next to him and put their arms around him. He took the comfort happily.

**Harry: How can it? Both my parents are dead. {Harry smiles sadly.}**

**Scene:**

**Another night. Harry is sitting in front of the mirror.**

"Oh, we had this huuuuggggee argument over who got to see the mirror," Ron laughed.

"And then Ron turned into the next Hermione and told me not to go looking for the mirror again," Harry added.

**Dumbledore appears behind him.**

**Dumbledore: Back again, Harry? {Harry turns around and stands up.} I see that you, like so many before you, have discovered the delights of the Mirror of Erised. I trust by now you realise what it does. Let me give you a clue. The happiest man on earth would look into the mirror and see only himself, exactly as he is.**

**Harry: So, then it shows us what we want? Whatever we want?**

"That skipped so much dialogue…" Dumbledore said, and Harry nodded in agreement.

"Like how you don't need a cloak do be invisible," Harry said, "And how you saw the whole thing. All of my trips to the mirror."

**Dumbledore: Yes...and no. It shows us nothing more or less than the deepest, most desperate desires of our hearts.**

The voice boomed, "I'M GOING TO HAVE TO PAUSE THE MOVIE NOW. I WILL NEED A FEW CHARACTERS —"

" _Characters_?"

"TO COME FORWARD." All of a sudden, a golden-framed mirror appeared in front of the screen. Harry felt his stomach go queasy. "SO. APPARENTLY ALBUS DUMBLEDORE SEES SOCKS IN THE MIRROR OF ERISED. THIS IS A SPECIAL VERSION OF IT, WHERE WE CAN ALL SEE WHAT A PERSON SEES. IT IS TIME TO FIND OUT IF ALBUS DUMBLEDORE WAS TELLING THE TRUTH!"

Dumbledore stayed glued to his seat.

"COME FORWARD, ALBUS DUMBLEDORE!" The voice forced. Dumbledore found himself reluctantly walking up to the mirror.

Everyone saw Dumbledore in the mirror, but he was not holding a pair of wooly socks. There was a man next to him. A man they recognised as Gellert Grindelwald.

Grindelwald was at the very back of the theatre, and let out a gasp. "E-explain this, Albus."

"I just want you good again, Gellert," Dumbledore said.

"Y-you want to be friends again?" Gellert said coldly.

"Not friends," Dumbledore said. "B-but it doesn't matter anymore. You chose your path. I chose mine."

There was an awkward silence. A very, very long one.

"We'll settle this privately," Gellert said. "Let's just… continue."

**Dumbledore: Now you, who have never known your family, you see them standing beside you. But remember this, Harry. This mirror gives us neither knowledge or truth. Men have wasted away in front of it, even gone mad. That is why tomorrow it will be moved to a new home, and I must ask you not to go looking for it again. It does not do to dwell on dreams, Harry, and forget to live. {Harry looks back at the mirror.}**

Everyone was still pretty baffled by Dumbledore's mirror of erised. They were all staring at Dumbledore and Grindelwald in shock.


	13. Nicholas Flamel

**Scene:**

**Daytime. It is all snowy. Harry is out in a main courtyard, bundled up, with Hedwig on his arm. He stops and she lifts off, soaring away into the sky. When she returns, it is spring time.**

"Well, that was a very random scene," Ron said. Everyone was silent. There was a long, awkward silence, until Grindelwald spoke up.

"What do you mean you don't want to be friends?" he said to Dumbledore. "You see me in the mirror of erised, and you don't even want to be friends?"

Dumbledore looked distantly. Harry noticed one thing about him… he was _blushing_.

"Well, if you'd rather just be friends… it was more of a childish wish, when we _were_ friends."

A few people started realising what Dumbledore was on about. Grindelwald still looked baffled, however.

"Albus, are you _mad_?" Grindelwald cried. "We had a battle! One of us killed your sister!"

Dumbledore seemed to be tensing up. Those old features, full of pain. "I know, Gellert. But even after all this, I still always felt that nagging love for you. I told myself to stop, especially after our battle, it's just…"

"Alright, alright," Grindelwald's features were wide with shock. "Just… _no_! Of course I got the blame for Ariana's death, when of course we both well know the truth."

"W-what?" Aberforth looked between his brother and his brother's best friend. "You two know the truth? Who was it? I will destroy him!"

"I just assumed it was what you wanted, Albus. For me to be known as evil, the darkest wizard of the age!" Grindelwald cried, ignoring Aberforth. "But _now_ … now you say you were in love with me all along?"

"Please, Gellert," Dumbledore begged. "Let's put that behind us. It was over a hundred years ago!"

"So why did you immediately blame me, Albus?" Grindelwald cried. " _Why, if you loved me_?"

Dumbledore stared at the paused screen. "You made it quite clear you wanted to be known as a dark wizard."

" _Because I thought that's how you thought of me_! I thought that would make you happy, as you seemed to think of me like that!" Grindelwald's voice was full of pain.

"You thought I _wanted_ my best friend to turn into the darkest wizard of the time?" Dumbledore said, staring at Grindelwald. "I'd planned a _wedding_ for us!"

"Plan a wedding for us, then turn around and kill your own sister to frame me for it? I definitely see _how much you loved me,_ ALBUS!" Grindelwald screamed.

"I didn't _mean_ to kill Ariana! I… maybe I was trying _to kill you_. Because I couldn't bare watch you grow into what I knew you'd become," Dumbledore said. Tears were filling those twinkly blue eyes, and dripping down onto his long, silver beard.

"But you could live with the fact that you'd killed your own best friend. Or at least tried to, then killed your sister?"

Dumbledore was silent. The two men turned away from each other. "Let's just continue reacting to this movie. The children want to get to Hogwarts sometime this year." Dumbledore said, and resumed the movie.

**Scene:**

**In the library. Harry and Ron are seated, reading. Hermione comes up with a huge book. She thumps it onto the table. Harry jumps.**

"Oh, here we go… skimming the books for Nicholas Flamel like good kids," Ron said.

"Good Ronniekins," Hermione giggled.

**Hermione: I had you looking in the wrong section! How could I be so stupid? I checked this out a few weeks ago for a bit of light reading.**

"What? We literally looked in every freaking section of the library?" Harry cried.

"Guess not, anymore," Ron said. "But, jeez Hermione! You call that _light reading_?"

**Ron: This is light?**

"Two different Rons think alike," Hermione said, smiling. "And yes, that _is_ light."

"Bookworm," Ron muttered.

"Thanks," Hermione beamed. "If you're trying to offend me, you're not. I'm a big proud bookworm!"

**Hermione: {glares} Of course! Here it is! "Nicholas Flamel is the only known maker of the Philosopher's Stone!"**

There was a momentary silence. Harry and Ron both stared at Hermione.

"What, I didn't make the movie!" she exclaimed.

"Wait… didn't you find out about Nicholas Flamel on the chocolate frog that you gave me?" Neville asked, recounting the event.

"Yes," said Hermione. "To be fair, I did find that book, but after we'd already found Flamel on the card."

"Did you hear us?" Ron asked. "I remember Harry said it quite quietly."

Neville blushed, then nodded.

**Ron and Harry: The what?**

**Hermione: Honestly, don't you two read? "The Philosopher's Stone is a legendary substance with astonishing powers. It will turn any metal into pure gold and produces the Elixir of Life, which will make the drinker immortal."**

"Wow, this Hermione honestly thinks Harry and I are completely incapable of reading," Ron muttered.

**Ron: Immortal?**

**Hermione: It means you'll never die.**

"How dumb does this girl think I am?" Ron cried. "And that didn't happen!"

"Calm down, Ron," Hermione said. "Jeez."

**Ron: I know what it means!**

**Harry: Shh!**

"Well, you no-freckled guy with a short nose who just seems to obsess over food and be comic relief," Ron said, "why did you say 'Immortal?' like you didn't know what it meant, only to then say you know what it means really loudly like a complete idiot?"

"It's not that big of a deal, Ron," Harry pointed out.

"This movie had better improve my character," Ron snarled.

**Hermione: "The only stone currently in existence belongs to Mr. Nicholas Flamel, the noted alchemist, who last year celebrated his 665th birthday!" That's what Fluffy's guarding on the 3rd floor. That's what's under the trapdoor...the Philosopher's Stone!**

"Jeez!" Lily Junior cried. "He's ooollld!"

"No saying about the rest of his family?" Harry wondered. "Also, I'm quite sure we found out that Snape was refereeing the next Quidditch match before all of this."

**They all look at each other.**

* * *


	14. Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback

**Scene:**

**Nighttime. Hermione, Ron and Harry are running across the wet ground to Hagrid's hut. They knock on the door and it opens.**

"Sooo…" Hermione said. "We're just going to Hagrid's hut randomly? Not because we saw him in the library?"

"They must of cut that scene out," Harry groaned.

**Harry: Hagrid!**

**Hagrid: {clad in oven mitts and an apron} Oh, hello. Sorry, don't wish to be rude, but I'm in no fit state to entertain today. {Closes door.}**

"Wait, but he literally invited us!" Ron cried.

**All 3: We know about the Philosopher's Stone!**

"I already knew that," Hagrid grunted. "You just came to ask what else was guardin' it."

Harry, Ron and Hermione rolled there eyes and laughed.

**{Door reopens.}**

**Hagrid: Oh.**

A few people laughed.

"But I let them in!" Hagrid cried.

**{They all come into Hagrid's small hut.}**

**Harry: We think Snape's trying to steal it.**

"Oh my gosh!" Snape cried. "Stop blaming me, you had zero evidence."

"Well, it looked like you were jinxing my broom," Harry said.

" _To save you from Quirrell_!" Snape cried.

"And, you're also bloody creepy," Ron pointed out. "And the meanest teacher." Hermione slapped his arm.

"Not to mention the fact we saw your knee bleeding, and you were saying ' _that blasted dog_ ' or something," Harry mentioned.

Snape glared at Ron, and everyone in the room fell silent. Ron resisted the urge to say _Told you he's creepy!_

**Hagrid: Snape? Blimey, Harry, you're not still on about him, are you?**

"Yeah, _Potter_ ," Snape drawled. "You still on about me?"

Harry sunk into his chair guiltily.

**Harry: Hagrid, we know he's after the Stone. We just don't know why.**

Harry tried to grin as Snape continued to glare at him. "Well, uh… the dialogue is a bit wrong, you know… we were trying to convince Hagrid to tell us who and what was guarding the stone other than Fluffy, you know…"

**Hagrid: Snape is one of the teachers protecting the Stone! He's not about to steal it!**

"Exactly," said Snape.

"Wasn't I glad you put all the blame onto Snape?" Quirrell said happily.

"You still failed us, though," said the menacing voice of Bellatrix. She was next to Voldemort's daughter, Delphini, who was sneering at Quirrell along with her mother.

**Harry: What?**

"Well, so was Quirrell," Delphi said, smirking. "But of course, he failed his task, just like…" her eyes laid on Draco "… _some people_."

Draco sunk into his seat as his cousin mocked him.

**Hagrid: You heard. Right. Come on, now, I'm a bit preoccupied today.**

**Harry: Wait a minute. {Ron and a big black boarhound, FANG, meet. Fang sniffs Ron.} One of the teachers?**

"Well, yeah," said Hagrid.

**Hermione: {sitting in a large chair} Of course! There are other things defending the Stone, aren't there? Spells, enchantments.**

"That's what we came to ask you, though!" Hermione said. "We came to ask what was guarding, and who was guarding the stone!"

Hagrid laughed.

**Hagrid: That's right. Waste of bloody time, if you ask me.**

_Leave it, leave it, leave it_ , Harry was literally fuming.

**{Hermione looks at Ron, who is being sniffed in the face by Fang. Ron shuffles away.} Hagrid: Ain't no one gonna get past Fluffy. Hehe, not a soul knows how. Except for me and Dumbledore. I shouldn't have told you that. I shouldn't have told you that. {A cauldron over a fire begins to rattle.} Oh! {Hagrid hurries over and grabs something} Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! {puts the thing, an egg, on the table. The group crowds around.}**

"Oh well, at least they're not cutting out Norbert," Ron said in relief.

"Except for the fact that Norbert didn't hatch that night we went to visit Hagrid," Harry mentioned. Hermione nodded.

**Harry: Uh, Hagrid, what exactly is that?**

**Hagrid: That? It's a ... its um...**

"A dragon egg," Ron said, rolling his eyes.

**Ron: I know what that is! But Hagrid, how did you get one?**

"So," James junior said. "From what we know about Hagrid so far, lets say he had some drinks at a pub and won it off a stranger from a game of cards?"

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Hagrid all stared at James in disbelief.

"How…" Hagrid started.

James shrugged. "Am I right?"

"Y-yeah," Hagrid said, then resumed the movie.

**Hagrid: I won it. Off a stranger I met down at a pub. Seemed quite glad to be rid off it, as a matter of fact.**

"Well, James was more accurate than the movie," Harry said, tapping his son on the back.

**The egg rattles and cracks. Pieces fly off as a dragon emerges. It squeaks and slips on an egg piece.**

"It's already hatching?" Ron questioned. "I mean, it took a few days before it actually hatched."

"True," Hermione added to Ron's argument.

**Hermione: Is that...a dragon?**

"No, I think it's a puppy," said Ginny thoughtfully. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"It's actually pretty cute, considering it's a dragon," Rose pointed out.

"Fair point," said Scorpius.

**Ron: That's not just a dragon. That's a Norwegian Ridgeback! My brother Charlie works with these in Romania.**

"But it is sort of weird how it literally hatched _that day_ ," Harry said. "I mean, it was after Herbology that we went to see Norbert hatch, not that night!"

Ron, Hermione and Hagrid all nodded in agreement.

**Hagrid: Isn't he beautiful? Oh. Bless him, look. He knows his mummy. Hehe. Hallo, Norbert. {The dragon squeaks as it looks at Hagrid.}**

"I've already named him?" Hagrid asked plainly. "I didn't name him until a few days after he hatched."

**Harry: Norbert?**

**Hagrid: Yeah, well, he's got to have a name, doesn't he?**

"But not yet!" Hermione cried. "Not until after Malfoy saw."

Everyone laughed.

**Ron: {laughs}**

**Hagrid: Don't you, Norbert? {raises fingers back and forth across Norberts chin} Dededede.**

"You would make a _great_ mummy, Hagrid," McGonagall pointed out.

"Oh, thank you, Professor McGonagall," Hagrid said, standing up and bowing down to her.

**Norbert backs away, hiccups and blows a fireball of fire into Hagrid's beard.**

Everyone burst out laughing.

"Hey, now, that didn't happen!" Hagrid cried out.

**Hagrid: Ohh! Oooh, ooh, ooh, well...he'll have to be trained up a bit, of course. {Norbert hiccups. Hagrid sees someone looking in the window.} Who's that? {The person scampers away.}**

"Malfoy sees on the very first day? When Norbert hadn't even meant to of hatched yet?" Ron cried.

"Wait, Malfoy. Why didn't you snitch on us for an entire week?" Harry asked.

"You know. Because it was day time, and I knew you were getting rid of it, _at night_ ," Malfoy sneered.

"Well, in this it was night, so probably you're gonna snitch on us now…?" Hermione suggested.

**Harry: Malfoy.**

**Hagrid: Oh, dear.**

"Oh, dear indeed," Fred and George laughed.

**Scene:**

**The three are walking back through a corridor. An owl screeches.**

**Harry: Hagrid always wanted a dragon. He told me so the first time I met him.**

"Uhh…" Harry said, quite confused. "I mean, I know that, but I don't remember saying that to you guys, in the middle of the night."

"Yeah, I mean, didn't we talk Hagrid into getting Charlie to take Norbert to Romania?" Ron asked, remembering.

"Yes, we did," Hermione added.

**Ron: It's crazy. And worse, Malfoy knows.**

**Harry: I don't understand. Is that bad?**

"Well, yeah," Ginny said. "I mean, he's obviously gonna snitch on you, and use it for bait to wait till night to catch you out. So, yes Harry Dumbpotter, it is bad."

"Well, this didn't actually happen," Harry said in his defence. "Gosh, these movies had better be mean to you, I will have my revenge, I swear…"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, shut up," Ginny said, smirking.

**Ron: It's bad.**

**They stop as McGonagall, in her nightgown, appears.**

"Nice nightgown, Professor," James junior laughed.

"Please tell me this kid is my grandson," said James senior. Harry nodded. "Well. I'm James. James Potter."

"Nice to meet you, Grandpa," James junior said. "I'm James. James Potter."

"You wanna join the marauders, James?" James offered.

"You bet, James!" James cried.

"Um, excuse me?" Fred cried.

"We literally stole your map and then gave it to your son!" George yelled out.

"Are we in the marauders?" Fred asked.

"Yes, indeed you are," Sirius said. "WE'RE BACK!"

"We _love_ your amazing new friends chant, boys," Hermione said. "But it so happens that we need to get through these movies and get our kids to Hogwarts!"

**McGonagall: Good evening.**

**Malfoy appears smugly beside her.**

There was a complete uproar.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO RETURNING NORBERT TO CHARLIE'S FRIENDS ON THE ASTRONOMY TOWER?!"

"WHAT HAPPENED TO ME GETTING BITTEN?!"

"WHAT HAPPENED TO MALFOY GETTING DETENTION?!"

"WHERE AM I?! I WAS THERE TO WARN HARRY!"

"MY SNITCHING PLAN WAS NOT VERY GOOD HERE!"


	15. The Forbidden Forest

**Scene:**

**McGonagall's classroom. The three accused are standing in front of McGonagall's desk, while Malfoy is feet away, smirking.**

"This is so wrong," said Ron, whose face red from anger clashed with his hair.

"Yes, we all know," said Harry. "You didn't even come to the forbidden forest."

"Wait a minute," Professor McGonagall said, "Why wasn't Mr Weasley with you?"

"Well, there was only enough room for two as well as Norbert," Harry explained, "and Ron was recovering from a bite from Norbert on his finger."

"And… is it _true_ that Hagrid brought a dragon into the school?" McGonnagall asked. Hagrid nodded.

**McGonagall: Nothing, I repeat, nothing gives a student the right to walk about the school at night. Therefore, as punishment for your actions, 50 points will be taken.**

"Well I mean, you _did_ take 50 points off Harry, Neville and I each," Hermione said.

**Harry: 50?!**

**McGonagall: Each. And to ensure it doesn't happen again, all four of you will receive detention.**

"Wait, Professor," Harry said. "I remember you only took twenty points off Malfoy. Why? He was no less in the wrong than Neville."

McGonagall sighed. "Honestly, I don't know."

**Malfoy nods, then his smile vanishes.**

**Draco: Excuse me, Professor. Perhaps I heard you wrong. I thought you said..."the four of us."**

"You heard right, kid," Draco groaned. "But I got given detention before the Gryffindors, so I shouldn't be confused."

"Do you think I'm still coming?" Neville said hopefully.

"I think McGonagall would've already found you," Ron said, frowning.

**McGonagall: No, you heard me correctly, Mr. Malfoy. You see, as honorable as your intentions were, you too were out of bed after hours. You will serve detention with your classmates.**

A few people laughed.

"Serves you right!" James junior and senior cried in unison, then a long jinx battle took place.

"Shut up James and James, please," Lily said. "Or we're all gonna have dead eardrums by the time we leave."

**Harry, Ron and Hermione grin, and Draco sags.**

"I just realised," Harry said, starting to laugh. "That we didn't get to see Hermione's jig after we found out Malfoy was getting detention."

Hermione glared at him, and hit him with her handbag. Hard.

**Scene:**

**Outside, at night, the four students are being led to Hagrid's hut by Mr. Filch.**

"Wait… you four," Neville laughed a bit at that, "You're having your detention that same night as you got caught? I remember it was ages after — quite a few weeks after."

"You're right, Neville," said Harry. "I remember everyone — well, except Slytherin — was so mad at me for being one of the contributing to a hundred and fifty points lost for Gryffindor — for putting us in last place."

"And we did quite a bit of studying for our exams," Hermione said.

"And I remember Harry said about hearing Quirrell crying, and you guys wouldn't let us do poking around, because you were sick of it!" Ron mentioned.

"Well, it kind of got us a hundred and fifty points lost for Gryffindor and a detention," Hermione said, raising her eyebrows at Ron. "You were just lucky you got bitten by Norbert."

Ron shrugged.

"And Harry wanted to resign from Quidditch," Wood chuckled. "As if that's ever going to happen."

**Filch: A pity they let the old punishments die. There was a time detention would find you hanging by your thumbs in the dungeons. God, I miss the screaming. {Draco gulps, and Hermione rushes by.}**

"Hang you by your thumbs?" Filch said. "That never happened, we hung them by their wrists."

"But imagine getting hung by your thumbs!" Hermione cried. "Your thumbs would fall off!"

"Wait, didn't we meet Filch in the entrance hall?" Harry asked.

"Yes, we did," said Neville.

**Filch: You'll be serving detention with Hagrid tonight. He's got a little job to do inside the dark forest. {Hagrid appears with a crossbow. He sniffles.} A sorry lot this, Hagrid. Oh, good God, man, you're not still on about that bloody dragon, are you?**

"Filch didn't tell us that we would think twice about breaking school rules?" Hermione said, tilting her head to the side.

"Well, it didn't really work, did it," Ron said, raising his eyebrows. A few people laughed.

**Hagrid: {sniffs and sighs} Norbert's gone. Dumbledore sent him off to Romania to live in a colony.**

"WHAT?!" Charlie exploded, then turned to Ron. "I thought my friends came to pick Norbert up from you and your mates."

"They did!" Ron said. He turned to Harry and Hermione. "They did, right. At the astronomy tower, like we agreed?"

"Yes," Harry said. "The movie makers were obviously just too lazy to include that scene."

**Hermione: Well, that's good, isn't it? He'll be with his own kind.**

**Hagrid: Yeah, but what if he don't like Romania? {Filch rolls eyes.} What if the other dragons are mean to him? He's only a baby, after all.**

"This…" Hermione started. "OK, OK, we've already gone through this. But oh my gosh, this is honestly insane."

A few people grumbled agreement as they resumed the movie.

**Filch: Oh, for Gods sake, pull yourself together, man. You're going into the forest, after all. Got to have your wits about you.**

"But honestly, we found out because I was quite happy about having detention with Hagrid, and then Filch said we weren't going to enjoy ourselves because we were going into the forest!" Harry cried.

**Draco: The forest? I thought that was a joke! We can't go in there. Students aren't allowed. And there are...{a howl sounds}...werewolves!**

"We can't go in there at night," Draco corrected.

"But you honestly sound so scared, Dad," Scorpius snickered.

"Shut up," Draco grumbled.

**Filch: There's more than werewolves in those trees, lad. You can be sure of that. {Draco looks frightened.} Nighty-night. {Exit.}**

"Should of thought of those werewolves before you broke the rules," Filch said.

"Wait…" Lily jr said, tensing up. "So… you're being punished for walking around at night, and… your punishment is walking around at night?"

"Don't ask," Harry said to his daughter, shaking his head.

**Hagrid: Right. Let's go.**

"And… Hagrid was so friendly when we saw him," Hermione said. "He'd been waiting for half an hour and greeted Harry and I."

"I honestly cannot believe this movie," said Hagrid, shaking his head.

**Scene: In the forest. The group walks along a path to a tree. Hagrid stops, bends down and dips his fingers in a silver puddle. He pulls out his fingers and rubs them together. A silver trail smears with his fingers.**

"I guess Malfoy isn't going to complain," Harry said. Malfoy scowled.

**Harry: Hagrid, what's that?**

"I pointed it out to you all, though!" Hagrid cried. "Just before we entered the forest!

**Hagrid: What we're here for. See that? That's unicorn's blood, that is. I found one dead a few weeks ago. Now, this one's been injured bad by something. {Harry suddenly sees a large cloaked figure walking through the trees. He looks at Hagrid.} So, it's our job to find the poor beast. Ron, Hermione, you'll come with me.**

"But Harry and I went with Hagrid!" Hermione cried.

Hagrid rolled his eyes and shrugged.

**Ron: {weakly} Okay.**

"Oh my gosh, I was not there!" Ron cried.

No one replied.

**Hagrid: And Harry, you'll go with Malfoy. {Draco grimaces, and Harry nods.}**

"But… I didn't go with Malfoy until after Neville sent the sparks up!" Harry cried.

"But that's not gonna happen," Neville said. "Because I'm not there."

"Ohhhh, right," Harry remembered.

**Draco: Okay. Then I get Fang!**

"I wanted Fang before we got told our groups," Draco muttered.

**Hagrid: Fine. Just so you know, he's a bloody coward. {Fang whines.}**

"That wasn't very nice, Hagrid," said Ron. "Did you actually say that?"

"Along those lines, yes…" Hagrid said, staring at the screen.

**Scene:**

**Harry and Draco are walking through the forest, Fang leading. Draco has the lamp.**

"Wait… so I suppose Hermione, Hagrid and I won't see Ronan and Bane?" Harry asked.

"Suppose not," Ronan said. "Mars was so bright. Did war ever come?"

"Yes, but why would _Mars being bright_ signify war?" Hermione asked.

"Perhaps because Mars is the name of the Roman god of war?" Ron suggested.

"Very good," said Bane.

**Draco: You wait till my father hears about this. This is servant's stuff.**

"Well, it's what happens at Hogwarts, Draco," Lucius Malfoy's voice was just as cold and drawling as his son's.

"DRACO IS A DADDY'S BOY!" The booming voice yelled out.

"WHAT?!" Draco exploded. "I am not a Daddy's boy! How dare you think that! I am _not_ a Daddy's boy!" He grumbled. "Wait till my father hears about this!" He immediately turned to his father. "They think I'm a daddy's boy!"

Everyone burst out laughing. Even Lucius seemed pretty close to cracking up. Draco realised what had happened, then groaned. Everyone just continued to laugh.

"You may laugh, _Potter_ ," Draco snarled, immediately raging at Harry. "But where's your father? _Dead_!"

James sr walked up to Draco with a smirk on his face. "You sure about that one?"

Draco bit his lip, then quickly resumed the movie.

**Harry: If I didn't know better, Draco, I'd say you were scared.**

**Draco: Scared, Potter?! {Scoffs} {howl} Did you hear that? Come on, Fang. Scared.**

"I mean, this dialogue didn't happen, but if it had my life would honestly be complete and full of gold," Harry said, wiping tears of laughter out of his eyes.

Draco scowled at him.

**Scene:**

**The group approaches a flat ground with gnarled roots all over. Fang stops, then growls.**

**Harry: What is it, Fang?**

"I don't remember…" Draco started, but the movie cut them off.

**Up ahead, a cloaked figure is crouched over a dead unicorn, drinking its blood. The figure raises its head, silver blood dripping from its mouth.**

"Oh, but I saw the unicorn," Harry groaned.

**Harry gasps and grabs his scar, which is hurting.**

**Draco: {A look of pure fear} AHHHHHHHHH! AHHH! {runs away, with Fang} HELP!**

"Oh wow, thanks for the help, Malfoy," Harry said sarcastically. "It was much appreciated."

"Hey, when I ran away I thought you would come too," Draco said.

"Yeah, well you could have looked back!" Harry cried.

"You expect me to help you?" Draco snickered. "We weren't even friends. We still aren't!"

Harry rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say, Malfoy. Whatever you say."

"YOU COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT FOR DRARRY?!" The voice boomed through the theatre.

"SHUT UP!" Harry and Draco yelled in unison.

**Harry is left by himself. The figure slides over the unicorn and rises erect. It advances towards Harry, who backs up, but trips. He crawls backwards. Suddenly, there is the sound of hoofbeats. A figure leaps over Harry and lands near the cloaked figure. It is a silver centaur, FIRENZE. It rears, and the cloaked figure retreats, flying away.**

"Who is that centaur?!" Firenze cried out. "Coz I remember doing that and I know that that pony ain't me!"

He had a point — this centaur looked nothing like Firenze, with his blondish-whitish mane and palomino body.

**Firenze: Harry Potter, you must leave. You are known to many creatures here. The forest is not safe at this time. Especially for you.**

"No asking if I'm OK?" Harry asked.

"I seem so polite here. No, ' _you're the Potter boy_.'"

"Yes, Firenze, you were… _very_ polite," Harry said, rolling his eyes.

**Harry: {rises} But what was that thing you saved me from?**

"That just skipped… Ronan and Bane should have come!" Firenze cried.

"Well, my friend… Bane and I seem to be omitted characters," Ronan said, quite angrily.

**Firenze: A monstrous creature. It is a terrible crime to slay a unicorn. Drinking the blood of a unicorn will keep you alive even if you are an inch from death. But at a terrible price. You have slain something so pure that the moment the blood touches your lips, you will have a half-life. A cursed life.**

Voldemort sneered. "Well, I'm back alive now. And I will do anything to keep it that way."

The booming voice let off a booming chuckle.

"What was the laughing about?" Voldemort cried.

The voice was silent.

**Harry: But who would choose such a life?**

**Firenze: Can you think of no one?**

"Yeah…" Ron said. "It's You-Know-Who isn't it?"

Harry bit his lip then nodded.

**Harry: Do you mean to say...that that thing that killed the unicorn...that was drinking its blood...that was Voldemort?**

" _You said You-Know-Who's name_!" Ron cried, his voice sounding like the world was ending.

"Well, actually Hermione cut me off," Harry said. "I only started saying it."

**Firenze: Do you know what is hidden in the school at this very moment?**

**Harry: The Philosopher's Stone.**

"This happened before I realised Volde—"

"SHUT UP!" Ron screamed.

"Shut up?" Harry questioned, a smirk coming to his face. "V-V-V-V-Voldemort!"

Ron scowled.

"You do realise I'm right here?" Voldemort said, his snake-like features smirking.

**Suddenly, a dog (Fang) barks. Harry looks up and sees Hagrid, Hermione, Ron and Draco appear.**

"I honestly seem to not be your best friend here," Hermione said. "I'm not sprinting ahead."

Harry shrugged.

**Hermione: Harry!**

"No Harry, are you OK?!" Harry said, mocking Hermione's worried tone at the time.

"Well, I was worried about you," Hermione said, rolling her eyes. "I don't want you dying, you know."

"That's news to me," said Harry. Hermione just glared at him.

**Hagrid: Hello there, Firenze. I see you've met our young Mr. Potter. You all right there, Harry? {Harry nods}**

"I didn't speak to Firenze," Hagrid muttered.

**Firenze: Harry Potter, this is where I leave you. You're safe now. Good luck.**

**{Close up on the dead unicorn.}**

"Wait, why aren't I explaining to Hagrid what happened?" Harry questioned.

**Scene:**

**Gryffindor common room. Right after 'attack.' The group is around the fire. Hermione and Ron are seated, but Harry stands.**

**Hermione: You mean, You-Know-Who's out there, right now, in the forest?**

"Huh?" Harry said. "I literally said that Snape was getting the stone for Voldemort and Voldemort was waiting in the forest. And then Ron was complaining about me saying his name."

"I was then, and I am now," Ron said angrily. " _Stop saying it_!"

**Harry: But he's weak. He's living off the unicorns. Don't you see? We had it wrong. Snape doesn't want the stone for himself, he wants the stone for Voldemort. With the Elixir of Life, Voldemort will be strong again. He'll… he'll come back. {Sits down.}**

"But… but I honestly said about how Firenze saved me and how Bane didn't think he should of," Harry said.

"Yeah, you said that that must have been written in the stars as well," Hermione agreed. "Honestly, those centaurs and their planets and stars… it's ridiculous."

Firenze, Bane and Ronan glared at her with anger in their expressions.

**Ron: But if he comes back, you don't think he'll try to kill you, do you?**

**Harry: I think if he'd had the chance, he might have tried to kill me tonight.**

"This is just…" Harry shook his head at the inaccuracy of the scene.

**Ron: {Gulp} And to think, I've been worrying about my Potions final!**

"Since when has Ronald worried about a _Potions final_?" Hermione cried.

Ron shook his head, looking bewildered. "They honestly make me look like I don't care!"

**Hermione: Hang on a minute. We're forgetting one thing. Who's the one wizard Voldemort always feared? {The boys shrug.} Dumbledore! As long as Dumbledore's around, you're safe. As long as Dumbledore's around, you can't be touched. {Harry smiles slightly.}**

"Well, that dialogue was a bit wrong," Hermione said. "It was OK, but pretty different."

Neville shook his head. "I honestly cannot believe I didn't go to the forbidden forest here!"

"I honestly cannot believe I did!" Ron muttered.


	16. Through the Trapdoor

**Scene:**

**Some time later. In the outdoor courtyard. The three are walking.**

**Hermione: I've always heard Hogwarts' end of the year exams were frightful, but I found that rather enjoyable.**

Everyone stared at Hermione like she was crazy.

"Honestly, it was way easier than I thought," Hermione said. "I'd studied a whole heap of _useless_ things, like the 1637 werewolf code of conduct and the uprising of Elfric the eager, and—"

"Yes, we know," Ron said quickly. "You told us when we were there."

**Ron: Speak for yourself. All right there, Harry?**

"Wait, didn't we go down and sit under the tree by the Great Lake?" Harry said. "And then Ron was just saying we had a week until we found out how bad we'd done."

"Yes, a _very_ cheerful week," said Hermione. "We just have to wait before we got to know our scores, which were _really_ important!"

"Yeah, but you more than passed, Hermione," Ron said. Hermione shrugged.

**Harry: My scar. It keeps burning.**

"Why am I _so calm about it_?" Harry wondered.

"Yeah, you literally exploded in anger because you didn't know what it meant," Hermione said, as Ron nodded in agreement.

**Hermione: It's happened before.**

**Harry: Not like this.**

"Harry literally said that entire thing to himself!" Ron said. "Do these people just like giving Hermione lines or something?"

**Ron: Perhaps you should see the nurse.**

"But _I_ said that he should see Madam Pomfrey," Hermione groaned.

"These people…" Harry shook his head.

"How many movies are there again?" Ginny asked.

"EIGHT," boomed the voice.

"Eight?" Ron muttered. "But I thought there'd be seven, one for each year! What's the eighth one?"

"THE DEATHLY HALLOWS IS SPLIT INTO TWO MOVIES," the voice boomed out.

"The Deathly Hallows?" Hermione questioned. "Is that… our non-existent seventh year? It must be, since that's the year we found out about the Deathly Hallows."

"So this one is called… the Philosopher's Stone, the last _two_ are called the Deathly Hallows," Harry said. "The next one… ummmm… the petrifying basilisk and the annoying fraud of a DADA teacher?"

Gilderoy Lockhart gasped, highly offended by this.

"YOU'LL SEE."

**Harry: I think it's a warning. It means danger's coming. Uhh!**

"You mean… I _think_ danger's coming. I'm not like 100% sure!" Harry muttered.

**Harry: {He rubs scar and then sees Hagrid across the field, at his hut, playing Hedwig's theme on his flute.} Oh. Of course! {runs for hut.}**

"Wait, Harry didn't see Hagrid, he just headed to Hagrid's hut after realising the odd thing about the dragon," Ron said.

"Wait a minute…" said Luna. "That tune he was playing on the flute, that tune… it's been playing a lot. It's quite cool, what is it called?"

"HEDWIG'S THEME. I LISTEN TO IT ON YOUTUBE AND SPOTIFY ALL THE TIME."

Everyone looked at each other in confusion at the names of ' _YouTube'_ and _'Spotify_ '. Only the muggles in the room were nodding like this was normal.

**Hermione: What is it?**

**Harry: Don't you think it's a bit odd that what Hagrid wants more than anything is a dragon, and a stranger shows up and just happens to have one? {They approach Hagrid, who is playing the Harry Potter theme on his flute.} I mean, how many people wander around with dragon eggs in their pockets? Why didn't I see it before?**

"Oh, that was pretty much right," said Harry, nodding. "Very good, very good. 9/10 points for that monologue."

"And why am I playing the flute?" Hagrid mentioned. "I was shelling peas on an armchair just outside my hut!"

**Harry: {arrive at Hagrid's hut} Hagrid, who gave you the dragon egg? {Hagrid stops playing.} What did he look like?**

"Didn't Hagrid greet us, with an offer for a drink as well?" Hermione mentioned.

**Hagrid: I don't know. I never saw his face. He kept his hood up.**

"Same gist of what I said," Hagrid said, shrugging.

**Harry: The stranger, though, you and he must have talked.**

**Hagrid: Well, he wanted to know what sort of creatures I looked after. I told him. I said, "After Fluffy, a dragon's gonna be no problem."**

"I also told 'im that I was Gamekeeper here at Hogwarts," Hagrid shrugged. "But of course nothing seems to matter."

**Harry: And did he seem interested in Fluffy?**

**Hagrid: Well, of course he was interested in Fluffy! How often do you come across a three headed dog, even if you're in the trade? But I told him. I said, "The trick with any beast is to know how to calm him. Take Fluffy, for example, just play him a bit of music and he falls straight to sleep."**

"Hey, the dude kept buying me drinks, it was obviously all a hoax because he wanted me to tell him everything… yo Harry, didn't I promise not to drink ever again because it almost got you killed?" Hagrid said sleepily.

"Yes, you did," said Harry, shaking his head.

"Well, sorry Harry," said Hagrid. Harry laughed. "Anyway, that monologue… I give it 8/10."

**The three gape.**

**Hagrid: I shouldn't have told you that. {The three take off.} Where you going?! Wait!**

"That is honestly Hagrid's famous line!" Albus said, trying to contain his laughter.

"I only say it because I'm so bad at keeping secrets!" Hagrid said.

"Please, Hagrid," Sirius had tears of laughter in his eyes, "say it, once for us." He, James, James, Remus Lupin, Fred and George were all sitting in a line with their arms around each other, all laughing like the maniacs they are.

"I shouldn'ta told yeh that!" Hagrid cried, then cursing himself for doing it as the three generations of marauders howled in laughter.

**Scene:**

**McGonagall's classroom. The three come tearing in and run up the aisles between desks. They pass a ghost and stop at the desk.**

"I don't remember going to McGonagall's classroom," said Ron loudly, over the laughter of the marauders, and Hagrid, who was now also laughing at himself with them.

"You're right," Hermione added. "We were looking for Dumbledore's office when we saw her in the halls."

"And McGonagall was questioning what we were doing inside," Harry finished.

**Harry: We have to see Professor Dumbledore, immediately!**

"How dare you steal my line!" Hermione said. "I just said we wanted to see Professor Dumbledore, I didn't even be as dramatic as Harry is being here!"

"Well Harry Potter's gotta be dramatic!" James sr cried, stopping the singing the Hogwarts theme song with the marauders. Sirius, Fred and George were the only ones remaining, belting their lungs out. "He's my son!"

**McGonagall: I'm afraid Professor Dumbledore is not here. He received an urgent owl from the Ministry of Magic and left immediately for London.**

"I'm not even going to ask why?" McGonagall questioned. "AND WILL YOU THREE STOP?!"

" _SO TEACH US THINGS WORTH KNOWING, BRING BACK WHAT WE'VE FORGOT, JUST DO YOUR BEST, WE'LL DO THE REST, AND LEARN UNTIL OUR BRAINS ALL ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!_ "

McGonagall was glaring at Sirius and the Weasley twins. "Are you done?"

All the marauders did a series of stupid, unrehearsed high fives that ended in a lot of smacks on the face. Then they all spoke in unison.

" _Yes, Professor McGonagall_!"

**Harry: He's gone?! Now? But this is important! It's about...the Philosopher's Stone.**

**McGonagall: {shocked} How do you know—**

"That must have seemed _bad_ ," Ginny laughed. "Professor must have thought you three were _soooo_ fishy. You could have been dead meat right there."

**Harry: Someone's going to try and steal it.**

"Harry started to say Snape then stopped himself," Ron laughed. "But it wasn't even Snape, we honestly should have listened."

"But if we'd gone around blaming Quirrell, they would have said it couldn't of been him, too," Hermione muttered.

**McGonagall: I don't know how you three found out about the stone, but I can assure you it is perfectly well-protected. Now would you go back to your dormitories? Quietly.**

"I rate the monologue a 7.5/10," said McGonagall, shrugging.

"But you told us to go outside and enjoy the sunshine," Harry mentioned. "I mean, why would we go to the dorm in the middle of June when the sun is shining bright, welcoming us outside?"

**{They leave.}**

**Scene:**

**After exiting McGonagall's class, they walk down the hallway.**

**Harry: That was no stranger Hagrid met in the village. It was Snape, which means he knows how to get past Fluffy.**

"I was actually saying how it was that night, and how Snape sent a message to the ministry for Dumbledore to go there…" Harry said, shaking his head.

**Hermione: And with Dumbledore gone…**

"Again, the wrong line," Hermione said, shaking her head.

**{Snape suddenly appears behind them}**

**Snape: Good afternoon. Now, what would three young Gryffindors such as yourselves be doing inside on a day like this?**

"Pretty correct," said Snape in his cold, drawling voice. "I said you shouldn't be inside on a day like this."

**Hermione: Uh...we were just...**

"I didn't say that!" Hermione cried. "Harry started to say something along those lines!"

**Snape: You want to be careful. People will think you're {Harry glares madly at Snape, who looks shocked} up to something. {Exit.}**

"Man, that pause didn't happen," Ron said, shaking a bit, "but that dude is _bloody good_."

"Holy… heck… _who is that guy_?" Harry cried.

"JUST WAIT FOR THE CREDITS," the voice boomed.

"Didn't I say that Gryffindor couldn't afford any more points lost?" Snape wondered. "And that I would make Potter expelled if he did anymore night-time wanderings?"

**Hermione: Now what do we do?**

"I didn't say that," Hermione hissed. "Harry just went on explaining the plan."

**Harry: We go down the trapdoor. Tonight.**

"Wait…" Harry said. "Didn't we get Hermione to watch Snape?"

"Yes, you did," Ron said. "And then we went to wait by the third-floor corridor to stop Snape."

**Scene: Nighttime. In the Gryffindor Common Room. The three friends come down the stairs and begin to walk across the floor. They stop when they hear croaking.**

**Harry: Trevor.**

"Wait… already? What about that big conversation we all had?" Hermione said. "And then waiting around at the common room for everyone to leave… _gosh,_ they must cut out everything, don't they!"

"Well, maybe it's good," said Ron. "I mean, for Rose, Hugo and the others to get to Hogwarts in time."

"Oh, yes!" Hermione cried, settling back into her seat. "But it's still quite annoying.

A chuckle boomed throughout the room.

"What's so funny?" Ginny called out. The voice was silent.

**Ron: Trevor shh! Go, you shouldn't be here!**

"But we actually didn't even see Trevor first," Harry muttered. "We saw Neville sitting on an armchair, holding Trevor. And Neville just asked what we were doing."

**Neville: {appears behind a chair} Neither should you. You're sneaking out again, aren't you?**

"Ughhhh Neville, you didn't figure it out that fast," said Ron. "Well, you did figure it out pretty fast, but Harry said were doing nothing first."

**Harry: Now, Neville, listen. We were—**

"These lines are all messed up," Hermione complained.

**Neville: No! I won't let you! {stands} You'll get Gryffindor in trouble again! I-I'll fight you. {holds out fists.}**

"Harry told me it was really important, I give that meant to be dialogue that was actually just my monologue a 6/10," said Neville.

**Hermione: Neville, I'm really, really sorry about this...{takes out wand} Petrificus Totalus.**

"That skipped Ron raging," Harry said, raising his eyebrows.

"Look, I was mad, OK?!" Ron said. "We were trying to do service to the school and Neville was stopping us!

"Well, I didn't want Gryffindor losing heaps of points again!" Neville barked.

Ron glared at him, but Hermione interrupted. "Listen, it was almost thirty years ago! Let's put this behind us!"

**Neville is frozen and falls backwards onto the ground. Hermione puts her wand back.**

"I actually fell onto my face," Neville said.

**Ron: {Gulp} You're a little scary sometimes...you know that? Brilliant, but scary.**

"Ron didn't say that," Harry said shaking his head. "I just asked Hermione what it was, then she explained what it was, then I said no time to explain to Neville, then we left."

**Harry: Let's go. {Walks by Neville} Sorry.**

**Hermione: Sorry.**

**Ron: It's for your own good, you know. {Exit.}**

"What Harry said before," said Ron. "That dialogue was wrong, and Harry was right."

"These people!" Hermione said angrily. "I mean, they add unnecessary scenes and remove important ones!"

**Scene: The three are under the Invisibility cloak, sneaking along the corridor.**

**Hermione: Ow! You stood on my foot!**

"I don't remember anyone standing on my foot," Hermione said, raising her eyebrows at the screen.

**Ron: Sorry. {A flame lights. Hermione draws out her wand and points it at the door.}**

"Of course it was me," Ron muttered. "These people just think I'm a joke, don't they?"

"I think they like me," Hermione said. "I've seemed to have _a lot_ of lines."

**Hermione: Alohomora.**

"Oh, we didn't see Peeves come and Harry pretend to be the bloody baron," Ron grumbled.

Then Peeves came flying over to him. "WHAT?! IT WAS THE POTTY THAT PRETENDED TO BE THE BLOODY BARON, NOT THE ACTUAL BLOODY BARON?!"

"Errr…" Ron looked at Harry, who shook his head.

"No, that didn't happen Peeves," Harry said. Peeves obviously knew better, and was fuming.

**The door opens and they go in.**

**Ron: Wait a minute...he's...{a blow of air, and the cape flutters off them.} Sleeping.**

"Well, he was _ish_ ," said Ron.

**Harry: Snape's already been here. He's put a spell on the harp. {They approach the sleeping dog.}**

"Snape didn't put any spell on the harp, we had to quickly play Hagrid's flute," Hermione pointed out.

"It doesn't seem like you guys brought any flute," said Ginny.

"Well I got the flute for Christmas, but that didn't seem to happen here," Harry mentioned.

**Ron: Uh. It's got horrible breath!**

**Harry: We have to move its paw.**

"Harry wasn't speaking," Ron said. "He was, um, blowing on the flute."

"Well there's no flute there, is there? What is this _spell_ on the harp anyway?" Hermione responded.

**Ron: What?!**

**Harry: Come on! {grabs paw, which is blocking the door.} Okay. Push! {They strain and move it. They open the door.} I'll go first. Don't follow until I give you a sign. {Fluffy's eyes open.} If something bad happens, get yourselves out...Does it seem a bit...quiet?**

"What about telling them to go to the owners and send a letter to Dumbledore?" Harry groaned. "And I'd already basically lowered myself through the hole."

**Hermione: The harp. It stopped playing.**

"No, it didn't," Ron said. "Hermione just kept playing the flute!"

**Drool from one head comes down on Ron's shoulder.**

"This is _so wrong_ ," Hermione complained.

**Ron: Ew! Yuck! Ugh. {All three kids look up and see Fluffy standing there. Fluffy barks and growls, thrashing. It breaks the harp and dives at the three.}**

**Harry: Jump! Go! {They all jump through the trapdoor.}**

"This didn't happen," said Harry. "I went down, then said it was OK, then Ron went, then Hermione stopped playing and jumped!"

**Ron: Ahh! {gasps as he lands on some mushy black rope like vines.} Whoa. Lucky this plant thing is here, really.**

"I remember thinking we must have been miles under the school," Hermione remembered.

**Harry: Whoa! {The plant begins to move towards them.} Oh. Ahh! {The plant ties them up.}**

"Sheeeeettt," cried both James in unison. Both Lilys just rolled their eyes and looked at them.

**Hermione: Stop moving, both of you. This is Devil's Snare. You have to relax. If you don't, it will only kill you faster.**

"No, you just need sunlight," said Hermione.

"And to _remember that you're a witch_ ," Ron teased. Hermione rolled her eyes.

**Ron: Kill us faster?! Oh, now I can relax!**

"Mmm, knowing the name really helps," Ron corrected.

**Hermione manages a smile as she is sucked down below.**

"That didn't happen," Hermione muttered. "I just managed to escape."

**Ron and Harry: Hermione!**

**Ron: Now what are we gonna do?!**

"Just wait for Hermione to be stupid, then find her mind, then save us all!" Ron said.

"Oh, shut up," Hermione muttered.

**Hermione's voice: Just relax!**

**Harry: Hermione! Where are you?!**

"I was actually just beside you," Hermione grumbled.

**Hermione (from below): Do what I say. Trust me.**

**Harry relaxes and is sucked through.**

"Arrggghhhh this didn't happen!" Harry cried.

**Ron: Ahh! Harry!**

"Of course they make me seem like some dumb-ass baboon!" Ron grumbled angrily.

"Well maybe they're right," Hermione joked. Ron glared at her.

**Harry falls through and lands on the hard ground. Hermione goes over to him and he stands up.**

**Ron: Harry!**

Ron was fuming. "Look, I'm not _this_ dumb! This didn't even happen, maybe they're just trying to hate on me, maybe that was the reason for this scene!"

"Yeah, but you know what, Ron?" Hermione said, touching Ron's arm. "We both know that this _guy_ isn't you. And that girl there isn't me. And the dude with blue eyes isn't Harry. They're just actors, pretending to be us. So, whatever happens on there doesn't reflect the truth."

Ron nodded and smiled.

**Hermione: Are you okay?**

**Harry: Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.**

"Well, of course I was fine. I just fell out of the plant _after_ the flames erupted through the plant," said Harry.

**Ron: Help!**

**Hermione: He's not relaxing, is he?**

Ron was again struggling not to scream at the screen.

**Harry: Apparently not.**

**Ron: Help! Help me!**

"Oh my gosh…" Ron's voice was holding back an uproar of anger. "This is honestly just… arghhhh!"

**Hermione: We've got to do something!**

**Harry: What?**

"Hermione saved both of us," Harry said. "And Ron wasn't this dumb."

"You can say that again," Ron said angrily.

**Hermione: Uh! I remember reading something in Herbology. {Ron: Help!} Um Devil's Snare, Devil's Scare, {The snare shuts Ron's mouth} it's deadly fun...but will sulk in the sun!**

"No, it likes the dark and damp," Hermione corrected her movie self.

**Hermione: That's it! Devil's Snare hates sunlight!**

"Didn't Harry say to light a fire?" Ron said.

**Hermione: {takes out wand and points upwards.} Lumus Solem! {A beam of light shoots out. The Snare shrieks and recoils. Ron falls below.}**

"Wait…" Ron said. "Hermione kept her head? No she didn't! This… _oh my gosh_. She was saying there was no wood, because she forgot she was a witch!"

"Yes, and then you reminded me that I was a witch," Hermione added to Ron's argument.

**Ron: Ahhh!**

**Harry: Ron, are you okay?**

Ron shook his head, still in a state of anger. "You know, what's the bet they cut out the chess game, or make you two lead it while _I_ just sit back and relax? Who is this git who calls himself Ron Weasley?"

Harry shook his head. "I honestly don't know."

**Ron: Yeah.**

**Harry: Okay.**

**Ron: {stands} Whew. Lucky I didn't panic!**

Ron clenched his fists on the arms of his chair. "Is this guy just _serving as comic relief_ or something?!"

"Seems to be," Ginny said.

"You'd think Fred, George and Peeves would be enough," Hermione said.

"Peeves doesn't seem like he's gonna be in this much," Harry mentioned.

**Harry: Lucky Hermione pays attention in Herbology.**

"And that Harry keeps his head in crisis," Ron said. "Hermione forgetting she's a bloody witch." He rolled his eyes, and Hermione simply ignored him.

**There is a sound.**

**Hermione: What is that?**

"It was actually me who asked if you guys could hear something," Ron muttered. " _Bloody comic relief_."

**Harry: I don't know. Sounds like wings.**

"I remember we thought it was a ghost at first," Harry laughed.

"Oh, I remember that," said Hermione.

**They enter into a room filled with golden "birds."**

"Oh, it's the keys we thought were birds," Ron said.

**Hermione: Curious. I've never seen birds like these.**

"I didn't say that," said Hermione. "Harry ran across, thinking they'd all swoop him, just before he realised…"

**Harry: They're not birds, they're keys. And I'll bet one of them fits that door. {They come upon a broomstick, suspended in the air.}**

"Wait… there was more than one broomstick," said Harry. "We all rode one!"

**Hermione: What's this all about?**

"What…?"

**Harry: I don't know. Strange.**

"I don't remember this…"

**{Ron creeps over to the door and takes out his wand.}**

**Ron: {rattles lock.} Alohomora! {Shrugs} Well, it was worth a try.**

"I didn't try that."

**Hermione: Ugh! What're we going to do? There must be 1000 keys up there!**

"I actually thought there would be hundreds," Hermione corrected.

**Ron: We're looking for a big old fashioned one. Probably rusty like the handle.**

"Oh, wow," said Ron. "I was faithful to my true self _for once_."

**Harry: There! I see it! {points} The one with the broken wing! {He looks at the broom.}**

"Wait… the feathers of those keys, they were actually colourful!" Harry told everyone. "I remember, the one we needed had bright blue wings."

"But didn't you spot that it had a broken wing once we were already in the air?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah, that's right," said Harry.

**Hermione: What's wrong, Harry?**

**Harry: It's too simple.**

"What?!" Harry cried. "I did not waste time like that, we all just hopped on!"

"Well, like Hermione said before," Ron grumbled. "They've got to take out important bits, then add details that don't even matter."

**Ron: Oh, go on, Harry! If Snape can catch it on that old broomstick, you can! You're the youngest seeker in a century!**

" _But I didn't catch it on that old broomstick_ ," Snape snarled. "I didn't even go in there!"

"Sorry, Professor!" Hermione cried.

**Harry nods and grabs the broom. All the keys suddenly go one direction, right at Harry. He climbs on, swiping at them.**

"What the…" Harry stared at the screen in confusion. "That… that did not happen."

**Ron: This complicates things a bit!**

"But… it didn't even happen," Hermione said. "The problem was just managing to catch the key! It was flying all over the place."

**Harry pushes off into the air. He flies off, after the key. The others follow him. Harry grabs the key.**

"But… omigod, Hermione and I flew as well!" Ron cried.

**Harry: Catch the key!**

"We all hopped off and I unlocked it myself," Harry muttered.

**He zooms by and throws the key to Hermione, who catches it and heads for the lock while Harry distracts the other keys. Hermione puts it in the lock.**

"But Harry unlocked it ughhhhh!" Hermione complained.

**Ron: Hurry up!**

"Yeah don't you say anything!" Ron yelled at the guy pretending to be him. " _You didn't even help_! You see me, yeah I came from below to distract the key, whereas you did nothing!"

**The door opens, and Hermione and Ron rush through, followed by Harry. They shut the door just as the keys slam up against it.**

" _Just in time_!" Ginny laughed. "And we all live happily ever after!"

"Even if it didn't happen," Ron added.

**Scene:**

**They enter a dark room, with broken pieces all around it.**

"Creepy…" Lily jr muttered. " _Very creepy_."

**Hermione: I don't like this. I don't like this at all.**

"I don't remember saying that," said Hermione.

**Harry: Where are we? A graveyard?**

"Why would I think it's a graveyard?" Harry muttered.

**Ron: This is no graveyard. {sighs} It's a chessboard. {Walks out onto the marble board and flames light, illuminating the board and GIANT players. Harry and Hermione come up with him.}**

"Yeah, the lights came on just as we entered the room," Ron said, shaking his head.

**Harry: There's the door.**

"Oh, wow, we're honestly that pathetically dim-witted that we think we can just _walk_ across the chessboard without playing?" Hermione hissed at the screen.

"Of course it just takes my moments away from me," Ron grumbled angrily.

**They walk across the board, towards the door. Suddenly, as they reach a line of pawns, the pawns bring up their swords. The three jump and back up.**

"YESSSSS!" Ron cried. "Yes, yes, yes!"

**Hermione: Now what do we do?**

"That was my line!" Harry cried. "I said it, and it should have been before that complete and utter stupidity earlier."

**Ron: It's obvious, isn't it? We've got to play our way across the room. All right. Harry, you take the Bishop's square. Hermione, you'll be the Queen's side castle. As for me, I'll be a knight. {They all take their places.}**

"Wait, didn't Ron ask the knight if we had to play our way across? And then say we we're trash at chess?" Hermione said.

"I didn't say it like that," Ron said, his ears turning pink. But Hermione just laughed and hit him lightly.

**Hermione: What happens now?**

"I didn't say that," said Hermione, shaking her head.

**Ron: {aboard a horse.} Well, white moves first, and then...we play. {A pawn on the other side moves forward. Ron studies the game.}**

"Ehh… faithful enough…. 8.5/10," said Ron.

**Hermione: Ron, you don't suppose this is going to be like...real wizard's chess, do you?**

"I don't remember Hermione saying that," said Harry.

**Ron: You there! D-5! {A black pawn moves forward, diagonal to the white pawn. The white pawn raises its swords and smashes the black one. The three jump.} Yes, Hermione, I think this is going to be exactly like wizard's chess!**

"Oh, shoot," Ginny raised her eyebrows.

"That didn't happen, our first chessman lost was the other knight, by the queen," Ron mentioned.

**The game continues. Pieces smash each other, boom! Boom!**

"This music though!" Sirius and the other marauders were bopping their heads.

"It is so dramatic!" Ginny said, pretending to play the drums along with it.

**Ron: Castle to E-4! {Smash!} Pawn to C-3!**

**Smash! Boom! The Queen turns, and smashes a piece! Harry, Ron and Hermione wince. The Queen turns again. Both Ron and Harry study the game.**

"This is the most beautiful and dramatic thing I've ever seen!" Fred and George chimed.

**Harry: Wait a minute…**

"Wait, I didn't realise! Ron realised it!" Harry said. "And thanks Ron, by the way."

"All good mate, it was worth it," Ron grinned.

**Ron: You understand right, Harry. Once I make my move, the Queen will take me...then you'll be free to check the King.**

"Well, that's chess," Ron said. "You've got to make your sacrifices."

"Chess is really just a whole bunch of figures moving around on a board killing each other," Hermione muttered.

Ron gasped dramatically. " _Never_ insult chess in front of me, Hermione!"

**Harry: No, Ron! No!**

**Hermione: What is it?**

"They make it seem like I'm not listening!" Hermione mentioned. "I mean, I _was_ listening, and we both yelled at Ron not to do it!"

**Harry: He's going to sacrifice himself!**

"Why does Hermione need to be told twice?" Harry grumbled.

"Yeah, well now Hermione knows how _I_ feel!" Ron muttered angrily.

"OK, OK…"

**Hermione: No, Ron, you can't! {Ron closes his eyes.} There must be another way!**

"Arghhh…" Hermione now understood Ron's annoyance before.

**Ron: {turns to face Hermione.} Do you want to stop Snape or not? Harry, it's you that has to go on. I know it. Not me, not Hermione, you. {Harry nods.} Knight...to H-3.**

**Ron's horse moves forward, slides and stops.**

"Wait, I just realised…" said Ron. "I wasn't on a horse, I was just standing there, like you two."

"Oh, yeah…" Harry said, remembering.

**Ron: Check.**

"Oh!" Ron cried out. "I forgot to say check, god dammit."

**The Queen turns and advances. Ron breathes faster, clutching the steel reins. The Queen stops. SMASH! Ron goes flying off the horse and lands on the floor, unconscious.**

**Ron: Ahhhh!**

Hermione let out a low exhale of a breath. "That was really brave of you, Ron."

Ron raised his eyebrows up and down, then started flexing his muscles.

"Ugh, not when you do that," Hermione groaned, looking back up at the screen.

**Harry: RON! {Hermione starts walking to him.} NO! Don't move! Don't forget, we're still playing.**

"I did not attempt to move!" Hermione said. "I found it quite hard, but I didn't."

**{Hermione moves back. Harry walks the diagonal in front of the King.}**

**Harry: Checkmate. {The Kings sword falls onto the ground victory. Harry breathes out and then the two run to Ron. They bend beside him.}**

"Wait, but the king dropped its crown down to me," Harry said, shaking his head.

**Harry: Take care of Ron. Then, go to the owlery. Send a message to Dumbledore. Ron's right...I have to go on.**

"Wait, but… but Hermione came with me to the Potions task," Harry said. "She basically solved the entire thing."

"Maybe… you're just gonna have to figure it out on your own," Hermione chuckled.

**Hermione: You'll be okay, Harry. You're a great wizard, you really are.**

**Harry: Not as good as you.**

"Well, technically Hermione isn't a wizard," said Ginny, "she's a witch."

**Hermione: {smile} Me? Books and cleverness? There are more important things. Friendship, and bravery. And Harry, just be careful.**

"Oh, wow, you didn't throw your arms around me," Harry muttered.

"We weren't even in the right place," Hermione said, shaking her head. "I think this must mean…"

"Well, I'm either doing the potions task on my own, or it's not going to be in the movie," Harry said.

**Harry nods and stands, walking away.**

"Well, it's time to see, I guess," said Hermione, holding her breath.


	17. The man with two faces

**Scene:**

**Harry walks down a long staircase to an empty room with pillars around it. The Mirror of Erised is in the middle of the room, and a man is standing before it. It is Quirrell. Harry yelps and grabs his scar.**

"Sooo… no Potions task?" Harry muttered. "And the troll that had already been defeated… all cut out of the film."

"Maybe it's better this way," said Hermione. "I mean, if you had figured out the potions task on your own that would have just been…" she shook her head.

**Harry: You? {Quirrell turns around.} No. It can't be...Snape. He was the one…**

"Me," said Quirrell. "Just skipped me saying I'd been expecting Potter to come."

"I still can't believe it was Quirrell," Harry said.

"So do you three owe _someone_ an apology?" Snape hissed, his cold voice sounding quite mean.

"Oh, I'm sorry Professor Snape," Ron muttered, rolling his eyes, "for blaming you for something that really looked like it was you _twenty-eight years ago_."

Snape glared at him.

**Quirrell: Yes. He does seem the type, doesn't he? Next to me, who would suspect, "p-p-poor s-stuttering Professor Quirrell?"**

"Hmmm… I would rate that monologue a 7/10," said Quirrell. "It was along the same lines of the truth, except…" he stopped.

"Except you said Severus seemed like the type," Harry snapped, "and you said it was lucky to have him swooping around like an overgrown bat."

Snape glared at Quirrell. "You _dare_ insult me, Quirinus?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Quirrell muttered, resuming the movie.

**Harry: B-but, that day, during the Quidditch Match, Snape tried to kill me.**

" _Of course_ you blame me!" Snape drawled. "You've blamed me for _everything_ in this movie!"

"Well, Hermione literally saw you muttering some thing that looked like a jinx!" Ron cried. "Maybe _that's_ why we kept blaming you, dummy!"

As soon as those words slipped out of Ron's mouth, he immediately regretted it. Snape's seat teleported right next to his, so Ron now had those cold black eyes staring right into his face. Snape was so close to him, Ron could see right up his nose.

"Uhhh… I mean, well…" Ron hurried to try and find an excuse for his words, but Hermione quickly saved him.

"What Ron means, is that you saving Harry looked like you were trying to kill him," she said.

Snape looked at the both of them angrily, then his seat was teleported back to his regular spot.

**Quirrell: No, dear boy. I tried to kill you! And trust me, if Snape's cloak hadn't caught fire and broken my eye contact, I would have succeeded. Even with Snape muttering his little counter-curse.**

"I actually lost my concentration because Miss Granger accidentally bumped into me when she went to set fire to Snape," Quirrell said.

"I still haven't forgiven you for that, Granger," Snape hissed.

"I'm sorry, Professor!" Hermione said. "I thought you were the one making Harry fall off his broom!"

Snape shook his head.

**Harry: Snape was trying to...save me?**

"Yes, Mr Potter," Snape said angrily. "I _was_ trying to save you."

"Professor Snape," Harry said directly to Snape. "I've realised that by now."

**Quirrell: I knew you were a danger right from the off. Especially after Halloween.**

"Ohhhh… that skipped a lot," said Quirrell.

"Well, probably because the match where Snape wanted to referee was cut out fully from the movie," Harry said.

"Wait a minute," said Ginny. "So… that troll that came earlier, the one you and Ron saved Hermione from… Quirrell let that in?"

Harry nodded.

**Harry: Th-then you let the troll in.**

"Good job, Dad," Albus said, patting his dad on the back. "I'm very proud of you."

"And before I discovered that, Quirrell said I was _too nosy to live_ ," Harry laughed.

"Well, I mean, he's not wrong," Ginny said, raising her eyebrows at her husband, which earned her a scowl from him.

**Quirrell: Very good Potter, yes. Snape, unfortunately, wasn't fooled. While everyone else was running to the dungeon, he went to the 3rd floor to head me off. He, of course, never trusted me again. He rarely left me alone.**

"Pffffttt, I give that monologue a 6/10," Quirrell said. "And ugh, why haven't those ropes tied around Potter yet?!"

"Oh, yes!" Harry remembered the ropes that had constrained him when he'd gone down there and seen Quirrell. "It wasn't very nice of you to put those around me, you know."

"Well do you expect me to just let you roam around free?" Quirrell snapped.

"You seem to be here," Harry said, pointing up to the screen.

**{Quirrell turns back to the mirror and Harry's scar hurts.}**

**Quirrell: But he doesn't understand. I'm never alone. Never. Now...what does this mirror do? I see what I desire. I see myself holding the stone. But how do I get it?**

"You're _never_ alone?" Fred laughed.

"You seem to be pretty alone," George added.

"Now that you're dead!" they both mocked.

Quirrell silently cursed them both.

**{A raspy voice, VOLDEMORT, calls.}: Use the boy.**

**Quirrell: Come here, Potter, now!**

"That skipped a lot," Quirrell and Harry both said, then proceeded to glare at each other.

"Now that's just creepy," said Ginny. "I'm guessing that voice is Voldemort?"

"NOW YOU'RE SAYING HIS NAME!?" Ron cried at his sister.

"Well, he did die you know," Ginny pointed out. "Well, he did, but now he's here, so I guess… well anyway, magic doesn't work in here remember? Voldemort can't hurt us!"

"I AM RIGHT HERE, HONESTLY!" Voldemort cried.

A smirk twisted onto Ginny's features. "Oh gosh, what is the smell? I can smell it really well with my _nose_."

"What…" but Harry quickly caught on. "Oh, yes, my _nose_ is about to break. Are you a bit gassy there, Ron?"

"What, it wasn't me," said Ron, also catching onto the joke and pinching his nose.

Soon basically everyone was in on it, and Voldemort was getting angrier and angrier.

"YOU DARE INSULT ME JUST BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A NOSE!" He exploded. "THAT IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY RUDE AND… AND _NOSEIST_!"

Everyone burst into a fit of laughter, and Ginny, who had started the joke, had tears of joy rolling down her face.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Voldemort screamed, pointing his wand at Ginny. But nothing happened.

"Why are you listening to our conversation?" Ginny wheezed. "You're being a bit _nosy_!"

Voldemort screamed in anger as they all settled into their seats, still laughing like crazy, and played the movie.

**{Harry walks forward shakily.}**

**Quirrell: Tell me. What do you see?**

"Ohhhh snap," Ron said, wiping away the last of his tears from laughing so hard.

**{Harry looks in the mirror. He sees himself. His mirror self brings his hand into his pocket and takes out a red stone! The mirror self winks and puts the stone back. Very subtly, Harry reaches to his pocket. There is a lump. He gasps.}**

"Oh, it's changed!" James and Lily sr said. "I guess now we're not important to you anymore?"

"No, no, it changed back to seeing you two, but just at that moment, I really wanted to stop Quirrell from getting the stone!" Harry explained.

"Wait but Dad," said Lily jr. "That… that lump in your pocket… it's the Philosopher's Stone, isn't it? But how did it get in your pocket?"

"It's called magic, Lily," Harry told his daughter, smiling at her.

**Quirrell: What is it?! What do you see?!**

"Jeez Professor Quirrell," James jr said. "Impatient, much?"

**Harry: I-I'm shaking hands with Dumbledore. I've won the house cup.**

"Why didn't you just say you saw your parents?" Hermione asked. "That would have been _much_ more logical, and easier to lie about, as it's what you normally see."

"Oooohhh," Harry said, wondering why he didn't say that. "Good point, Hermione."

**Voldemort's voice: He lies.**

"How did you know?" Harry asked.

"Well, I could kind of read your mind, not so well at that point," Voldemort said.

"Could you _smell_ his mind?" Ginny giggled, earning herself a deadly glare from the darkest wizard of all time.

**Quirrell: Tell the truth! What do you see?!**

**Voldemort's voice: Let me speak to him.**

" _Let me speak to him face-to-face_ ," Harry said, imitating what he remembered Voldemort saying. "Sooooo dramatic, my arch nemesis who somehow seems to care about my education and wait until the end of the school year, so I can train to fight you."

"Shut up, Harry Potter," Voldemort hissed.

**Quirrell: Master, you are not strong enough.**

"Don't you 'not strong enough' me, you worthless servant!" Voldemort hissed at Quirrell.

"I'm sorry, master…" Quirrell said, cowering into his seat.

**Voldemort's voice: I have strength enough for this. {Quirrell unwraps his turban and on the side opposite his face, another face is planted. It is Voldemort who appears kind of like a snake. He stretches out and faces Harry via the mirror.} Harry Potter. We meet again.**

"He just said _Harry Potter_ and not _we meet again_ ," said Harry, trying to imitate Voldemort's whispering, cold, raspy voice.

"I _should_ have said we meet again," said Voldemort thoughtfully. "I would have seemed way more dramatic!"

"Are you going on about being dramatic again, my lord?" Bellatrix said.

"Well, I mean, what sort of a villain would I be if I wasn't?" Voldemort replied.

**Harry: Voldemort.**

"They make it seem like I'm actually brave," Harry said plainly.

**Voldemort: Yes. You see what I have become? See what I must do to survive? Live off another. A mere parasite. Unicorn blood can sustain me, but it cannot give me a body of my own. But there is something that can. Something, that conveniently enough, lies in your pocket!**

"Eehhh… 8/10," said Voldemort.

"Done some _sniffing around_ to make sure it's all right, Tom?" Harry found himself laughing. Ginny was clutching her stomach from the pain of laughing so hard.

**Harry turns and runs.**

"Well I mean, I couldn't run," said Harry. "I kept stumbling and tripping!"

**Voldemort: Stop him! {Quirrell snaps his fingers and fire erupts all around the room. Harry is stuck.} Don't be a fool! Why suffer a horrific death when you can join me and live?!**

"Woah, I don't remember any fire coming," Harry said, remembering.

"That monologue… it deserves a 7/10," said Voldemort.

**Harry: {shakes his head} Never!**

"I actually yelled out ' _liar_ '," said Harry. "And I yelled out ' _never_ ' later."

**Voldemort: Haha. Bravery. Your parents had it too. Tell me, Harry, would you like to see your mother and father again? Together, we can bring them back. {In the mirror, Harrys parents faces appear.} All I ask for is something in return. {Harry takes the stone from his pocket.} That's it, Harry. There is no good and evil. There is only power, and those too weak to seek it. Together, we'll do extraordinary things. Just give me the stone! {Mother and father vanish.}**

"WHY WOULD YOU TAKE THE STONE FROM YOUR POCKET, YOU DIM-WITTED IDIOT!" Ginny cried.

"I didn't," Harry hissed. "Voldemort was just explaining _how_ he'd killed my parents, saying they were brave, too."

**Harry: YOU LIAR!**

"That's gotta be iconic," said Albus.

"Surely it's a meme," added Dudley.

**Voldemort: Kill him!**

"He actually said ' _seize him_ '," Harry corrected, shaking his head.

**Quirrell soars into the air and smashes into Harry, one hand on Harrys throat. They fall to the steps. The stone falls out of Harry's reach as Quirrell chokes him. Harry strains and squeaks. Suddenly, Harry puts his hand on Quirrell's, trying to get him off. Smoke furls from under his hand.**

"Hollllyyyy…" James jr winced. "He was just choking an eleven-year old kid!"

"Well, he's evil," said Harry. "And his hands didn't smoke, they blistered up. And it also happened when he touched me, not just when I touched him."

**Quirrell: Ahh! Ahh! {backs up. His hand is crumbling into a mountain of black ash.} What is this magic? {hand dissipates.}**

"Yeah, what is that magic?" Harry agreed.

"My hand just blistered up, it didn't turn to ash!" Quirrell cried.

**Voldemort: Fool! Get the stone!**

"So bossy," Ginny said. "Nosy _and_ bossy. Hahaha, _nosy_."

"SHUT. UP. STUPID. CHILD!" Voldemort yelled. "I've possessed you once, so I can do it again!"

"But you haven't got no diary!" Ginny laughed. "That diary was destroyed, uh huh, uh huh!"

**Quirrell: {Walks forward, but Harry puts both hands on his face.} Ahhhhhhhhhh!**

"Good thinking, Harry," said Hermione.

"Yeah, except for the fact that his face actually didn't crumble into ash, it all blistered up," Harry said pointedly.

**{Quirrell backs up, then his face, which is horrendously burned, crumbles as he walks forward. His whole body is ash. He falls to the floor.}**

"Holy heck…" Albus stared at the screen. "Now that was dramatic!"

"Well, basically Quirrell didn't turn to ash, he blistered up. I held onto his arm really tightly… and I think that killed him, I'm not really sure. I remember passing out," said Harry.

**{Harry gasps. He looks at his own hands and hurries over to the stone. He picks it up and sighs, when he hears something. Turning, Harry sees a dust clouds with Voldemort's face. The cloud rushes forward, right through Harry.}**

"HOLY HECK!" Harry yelled, shocked by this. "That… that _never_ happened."

"Wait, why did you pass out then?" Lily jr asked.

"Because of the pain in my scar," said Harry. "It was hurting so much because Quirrell was touching me, and he was connected to Voldemort. But it doesn't seem like my scar was hurting here."

**Voldemort: Arrrhhhhhh!**

**Harry: Ahhhhhhhhh! {Voldemort flies away. Harry falls to the ground, unconscious. He holds the stone in an outstretched hand.}**

"Holy heck!" Harry cried. "I wasn't even certain what had happened to Quirrell… Voldemort's spirit didn't even go through me!"

"These movies must make it all dramatic, don't they," said Ron.

"Well, it's kind of what muggle movies do," Hermione explained.

**Scene:**

**The hospital wing. Harry is bandaged, lying in bed. He awakens, puts on his glasses, and sits up. There are cards and candy all over. Dumbledore approaches him.**

"Dumbledore was already leaning over me when I came to," said Harry. "He did not enter."

"Correct, Harry," said Dumbledore.

**Dumbledore: Good afternoon, Harry. Ah. Tokens from your admirers?**

" _Tokens from your admirers_?" Ginny repeated. "What admirers is he talking about?"

"Oh, I don't know, Ginny," said Ron, smirking. " _His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad_ …"

Ginny turned a bright pink colour. " _Shut up, Ronald Weasley_!"

Ron just laughed, as Fred and George continued to say the poem in high pitched tones.

" _His hair is as dark as a blackboard! I wish he was mine, he's really divine! The hero who conquered the Dark Lord!_ "

The Weasley twins and a heap of others roared in laughter.

"Oh, what about that poem you wrote for Angelina Johnson, eh, Fred?" Ginny said, smirking. Fred fell silent.

**Harry: Admirers?**

"And what about Harry going psycho about the Philosopher's Stone?" Dumbledore mentioned.

**Dumbledore: What happened down in the dungeons between you and Professor Quirrell is a complete secret, so, naturally, the whole school knows. {Both smile.}**

"Of course the whole school knows!" Ron said. "Word spreads so fast at Hogwarts."

"And at muggle schools, too," said Hermione. "Sometimes the rumours spread aren't even true, like, apparently when I was six years old I was dating a guy named Lennox Rannolds."

"Who is this _Lennox Rannolds_?" Ron asked, raising his eyebrows.

"I honestly don't know," Hermione answered.

**Dumbledore: Ah, I see your friend Ronald has saved you the trouble of opening your Chocolate Frogs.**

"Ummmmmm, no I didn't," Ron said angrily. "Just that stupid baboon is super greedy! I wouldn't do that, oh my gosh."

"Where's the toilet seat we sent?!" George cried.

"Yeah, it took a lot of work to yank that off the toilet!" Fred added.

"Confiscated, of course," Madam Pomfrey snapped. "That was a stupid joke of yours."

"Wait, you tried to send them a _toilet seat_?" James sr asked.

Fred and George nodded.

"That's absolutely bloody brilliant!" Sirius laughed. "We should have done that in our day, James!"

"You _shouldn't_ have!" McGonagall cried, looking quite angry, so they all shut up.

**Harry: Ron was here? Is he all right? What about Hermione?**

"Dude that didn't happen," Harry said.

"Aw, you don't even care about your fwends?" Ron asked, faking a pout.

"Well, maybe he doesn't," said Hermione. "Not you, at least. We all know I'm the favourite."

"Hey, who was it that Harry would miss the most from the mermaid task?" Ron said, raising his eyebrows. Hermione silently swore.

**Dumbledore: Fine. They're both just fine.**

**Harry: But, what happened to the Stone?**

"Oh, nowwww I'm asking about the Stone?" Harry said. "And I'm _so calm about it_?"

"Yes, Harry was actually going quite psycho over it," Dumbledore explained.

"I was worried, Professor!" Harry said in his defence.

**Dumbledore: Relax, dear boy. The stone has been destroyed. My friend Nicholas and I had a little chat and agreed it was best all around.**

"It's all for the best," Dumbledore corrected.

**Harry: But Flamel, he'll die, won't he?**

"And his wife!" Harry said. "I mentioned his wife, not just him!"

**Dumbledore: {sits on the bed.} He has enough Elixir to set his affairs in order. But yes, he will die.**

" _They_ have enough elixir to set _their_ affairs in order, and then, yes _they_ will die," Dumbledore said, correcting his movie self.

**Harry: How is it I got the Stone, sir? One minute I was staring in the mirror, and the next...**

"That just skipped _a lot_ of dialogue there," said Harry.

"Yes, indeed it did," Dumbledore said. "I remember telling you quite a bit there, Harry. But, of course, like everything else, they must cut it out."

**Dumbledore: Ah. You see, only a person who wanted to find the Stone, find it, but not use it, would be able to get it. That is one of my more brilliant ideas. And between you and me thats saying something. {Smile both.}**

"Monologue was pretty good," Harry said. "Just Dumbledore said it was the brilliant idea before he actually explained it." He turned to Dumbledore for a rating.

"9/10," Dumbledore said. "Not perfect, but quite good."

**Harry: Does that mean, with the Stone gone, I mean, that Voldemort can never come back?**

"Oh, now I ask this? And what about Dumbledore's quote here, ' _fear of a name only increases the fear of the thing itself_ '."

Dumbledore smiled. "You have been taught well, Harry."

**Dumbledore: Ah, I'm afraid there are ways in which he can return. Harry, do you know why Professor Quirrell couldn't bear to have you touch him? {Harry shakes his head.} It was because of your mother. She sacrificed herself for you, and that kind of act leaves a mark. {Harry touches his scar.} No, no, this kind of mark cannot be seen. It lives in your very skin.**

"A mark?" Harry said. "I don't really remember this… but I'm guessing it must be…"

**Harry: What is it?**

**Dumbledore: Love, Harry, love.**

"Of course," Voldemort hissed. "That stupid magic. The magic which is somehow powerful yet so disgustingly awful and hard to understand."

"That is actually so cringe-worthy though," Ginny said, screwing up her face.

"Oh, Ginny, don't you loooovvveeee me?" Harry said, putting his arm around his wife.

"Get off, you," she said. "They're talking about the love your mother had for you, not your future romance life."

**{Dumbledore pats Harry's head and stands up.}**

"You just… that looked so weird," said Harry. "Did he just _pat my head_? That's just _weird_!"

**Dumbledore: Ah. Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. I was most unfortunate in my youth to come across a vomit flavoured one, and since then I have lost my liking for them. But I think I could be safe with a nice toffee...**

"Oh no…." said Dumbledore said. "That literally choked me."

**Dumbledore: {takes brown bean and eats it.} Mm. Alas. Earwax.**

"Sir, you didn't even choke here! You were so calm about it," said Harry.

Dumbledore shook his head. "Honestly, that thing could have killed me!"

**Scene:**

**Harry approaches a room where up on a stairwell balcony Hermione and Ron are talking. They stop when they see Harry and lean over the railing.**

"Say what…" Harry said. "But they came in and visited me!"

"That really looks like couple goals right there," Rose said immediately.

"Well, maybe that was just the beginning of it all," said Ron.

"No, no," Hugo laughed, "the beginning was when Mum _somehow_ noticed you had dirt on your nose."

"I didn't like him then!" Hermione muttered. "I just saw that he had dirt on his nose!"

"Mmmm, yeah, sure," Rose said, obviously sending silent facial expression messages with her brother.

**Harry: All right there, Ron?**

"Whhaaaatttt… that is skipping, ughhghghghghg!"

**Ron: All right? You?**

"Freakin hell, our whole conversation we put effort into!"

**Harry: {shrug} All right. Hermione?**

"We… freakin hell! This is dumb!"

**Hermione: {smile} Never better.**

"NEVER BETTER BECAUSE ALL THE LINES ARE LITERALLY SCREWED UP!?"

**Scene:**

**In the great hall. All students are seated, and green banners with snakes on them are around the ceiling**

"I didn't even get visited by Hagrid?" Harry said. "What is wrong with this movie, honestly?"

**{Dumbledore, at the head table, nods to McGonagall. She dings her glass and the chatter stops. Dumbledore rises.}**

**Dumbledore: Another year gone. And now, as I understand it, the house cup needs awarding, and the points stand thus.**

"That skipped a bit," Dumbledore said, frowning. "I said that your heads would be more full, and that you'll have the summer to empty them again for the next year."

"Well, our heads didn't fully empty," Hermione said. "I mean, I studied over the summer to make sure I didn't forget anything."

"Yes, but you're Hermione," said Ron, rolling his eyes. "Hermione the know-it-all who tries harder than all the other students put together."

Hermione rolled her eyes.

**Dumbledore: In fourth place, Gryffindor with 312 points. {Clapping. Harry and Hermione hide their heads.}**

"Why aren't _I_ doing that?" Ron grumbled.

"I don't know, maybe because you didn't come to deliver Norbert to Charlie's friends?" Harry said.

"Yes, but I got the detention too in this," Ron said.

**Dumbledore: Third place, Hufflepuff, with 352 points. {Clapping.} In second place, Ravenclaw, with 426 points. {Clapping, shows Hermione and Harry clapping really slowly.}**

"We're _so_ enthusiastic about it," Hermione said sarcastically.

**Dumbledore: And in first place, with 472 points, Slytherin House.**

**{Harry is clapping slowly, and Hermione is just sitting there with her face in her hand}**

"You are _such_ a good sport, mum," said Hugo, laughing.

"Well I don't like losing in things!" Hermione grumbled.

"Oh really?" Rose said, feigning surprise. "After knowing you my whole life, I hadn't realised that yet."

**There is immense cheering.**

**Students: Whoo! Yeah!**

**Draco: Nice one, Mate! {sees Ron looking at him and sneers.}**

"I didn't say that, but I did bang my goblet on the table," Draco said, sneering.

"Hey, don't you forget what happens next," Harry said, which wiped the sneer right off Draco's face.

**Dumbledore: Yes, yes, well done Slytherin, well done Slytherin. However, recent events must be taken into account. And I have a few last minute points to award. {The Gryffindor students look up.}**

"I would give that monologue an 8/10," said Dumbledore. "It was going quite good until that guy added the extra line."

**Dumbledore: To Miss Hermione Granger**

Ron clenched his fists on the arm of his chair. "OK, but I got mine first. If they don't have me at all, I'm honestly going to find the people who made this movie and kill them."

**Dumbledore: For the use of cool intellect when others were in great peril, 50 points. {Applause.}**

"Wait, that's not what he gave me 50 points for," said Hermione, screwing up her face. "It was for the use of cool logic in the face of fire."

**Harry: {Pats} Good job.**

"I'd better get something…" Ron said angrily.

**Dumbledore: Second, to Mr. Ronald Weasley**

"Oh, yes!" Ron cried. "Phew, phew, phew! I was beginning to freak out there."

"Oh gosh, Ron! We get it!"

**Dumbledore: For the best played game of chess {Ron looks at Harry and mouths, 'Me?' Harry nods, and mouths, 'You!'}**

"Yeah, it's you Ron Weasley!" Ron cried. "Because I'm _good at chess_ , and better than McGonagall!"

McGonagall rolled her eyes. "Don't bet on it, Mr Weasley."

"You _want_ to bet on it, Professor?" Ron said, raising his eyebrows.

McGonagall looked away. "Oh look, let's watch the movie!"

Ron roared in laughter and flexed his muscles towards Hermione, who then shot a look of a disgust towards Ginny, who made a face of agreement.

**Dumbledore: That Hogwarts has seen these many years...50 points. {Applause}**

Ron continued to show off to Hermione, who just threw her book at him, which quickly shut her husband up.

**Dumbledore: And third, to Mr. Harry Potter, for pure nerve and outstanding courage, I award Gryffindor house 60 points. {Immense cheering.}**

"Yeah Dad!" Lily and James jr all cried out, cheering along with a few other people.

"What's the bet Gryffindor wins now," Albus said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, come on Al," said Harry. "You've gotta show your Dad _some_ pride."

"Yeah, whatever," said Albus.

**Hermione: We're tied with Slytherin!**

"Oh, it wasn't just me," said Hermione. "There was a whole heap of us yelling out that we'd tied with Slytherin."

"Dang, Dumbledore… this is honestly picking favourites," Albus grumbled.

"Well, I mean, I _was_ a Gryffindor student once," said Dumbledore, shrugging.

**Dumbledore: And finally, it takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends. I award 10 points to Neville Longbottom.**

"Now that… _you give him ten points because he stood up to his friend_?" Draco and a few other Slytherins were disgusted.

"I bet people do that all the time!" Pansy Parkinson hissed angrily.

"Yeah, yeah whatever," said Dumbledore, shrugging.

**{Immense cheering erupts. Neville is unbelieving, and sits there while cheering gets louder. Draco is downfallen.}**

"That is honestly not fair!" Albus said angrily. "You're just picking favourites!"

"Well…" Dumbledore said, shrugging.

**Dumbledore: Assuming that my calculations are correct, I believe that a change of direction is in order. {Claps. The green banners change to Gryffindor red and yellow.} Gryffindor wins the House Cup!**

Everyone erupted in cheers, except for everyone who was in Slytherin, who all booed and grabbed books and pens and food and threw it all at the screen.

**Cheering.**

**Hagrid: Yes! {grins}**

**All students stand and throw their hats into the air, except Draco, who smashes his down onto the table.**

"YES!"

"LET'S GO!"

"YES DAD!"

"YES MUM!"

"OH MY GOD, DAD!"

"THAT WAS SO UNFAIR!"

**Seamus: Neville! {Shakes his hand.}**

**All rub each other's heads and jump around, cheering and laughing.**

**Lee: Yeah! We won! {Jumps with Harry, who looks back and grins very widely.}**

A whole heap of people were cheering and some were dancing and some were booing and smashing their heads against their hands.

**Scene:**

**The outdoor train station. Students are walking around, getting in the train.**

"Ohhhh… this has been a good movie!" Hermione said. "Except for all the differences, but it was pretty decent I guess."

**Hagrid: Come on now, hurry up. You'll be late. Train's leaving. Go on. Go on. Come on. Hurry up.**

"THESE MOVIES AREN'T AS GOOD AS THE BOOKS," boomed the voice.

" _The books_?" Harry repeated faintly.

"YES, THE HARRY POTTER BOOKS. THEY ARE 100% ACCURATE AND REALLY GOOD."

"Why don't we read them instead?" Hermione asked.

"BECAUSE YOUR REACTIONS WILL BE MUCH BETTER FOR THE MOVIES. NOW JUST KEEP WATCHING."

**Harry hands Hedwig to a train man, and walks to an open door of the train with Hermione. Hermione waves to Hagrid, who waves back. Hermione gets in the train.**

**Hermione: Come on, Harry.**

"So bossy," Ron muttered, rolling his eyes at Hermione.

"Yes, but I didn't say that,: said Hermione.

**Harry: One minute. {He walks over to Hagrid.}**

"Huh?" Hagrid muttered.

**Hagrid: Thought you were leaving without saying good-bye, didja? {Hagrid takes a red album out of his coat pocket and hands it to Harry.} This is for you.**

"Well you said goodbye to me on the boats, just like everyone else," Hagrid said. "Wait… but why am I giving you that album now?"

**Harry opens the album and sees a picture, moving, of him as a baby with his parents. They are all smiling and waving. Harry smiles.**

"Wait, but you gave me that when you visited me in the hospital wing!" Harry said. "Why are you all of a sudden giving it to me now?"

"Well, probably because they were too lazy to put the entire hospital wing scene," Hagrid said, rolling his eyes.

**Harry: Thanks, Hagrid. {Shakes Hagrid's hand, then hugs him tightly.}**

**Hagrid: Oh. Go on...on with you. {Harry lets go.} Oh, listen, Harry, if that dolt of a cousin of yours, Dudley, gives you any grief, you could always, um, threaten him with a nice pair of ears to go with that tail of his.**

"Oh, gosh, I was the one who said I'd be having fun with Dudley in the summer, and after we arrived at King's Cross station," said Harry.

**Harry: But Hagrid, we're not allowed to do magic away from Hogwarts. You know that.**

**Hagrid: I do. But your cousin don't, do he? Eh? {chuckle} Off you go.**

"I did not say that," Hagrid grumbled.

"I said something along those lines," said Harry. "After we'd got back to the station."

**Harry walks away, back to the train door where Hermione and Ron are waiting.**

**Hermione: Feels strange to be going home, doesn't it?**

"I don't remember saying that," Hermione said.

"Yes, I don't remember you saying that either," Harry said, shaking her head.

**Harry: I'm not going home. Not really.**

"Oh, now _that_ is cringe-worthy," Ron said. "That's gotta be the most cringey line in the movie."

"And when Dumbledore said there was love marked in Harry," said Ginny, raising an eyebrow.

**The train whistles and they climb aboard. As the train starts to leave and the camera pans up over the whole scene, Harry waves out the window to Hagrid, who waves back and then waves more to other students as the camera pans far back, then the credits begin.**

"OK, let's see who these people are!" Harry cried. "OK, directed by… Chris Columbus… a whole heap of random names… Daniel Radcliffe, who is that?"

"WAIT I'LL SKIP UNTIL IT SHOWS WHO PLAYS WHO," boomed the voice. The screen skipped.

"OK!" Harry said. "Harry Potter… Daniel Radcliffe?"

"Ron Weasley… Rupert Grint?"

"Hermione Granger… Emma Watson?"

"Albus Dumbledore… Richard Harris?"

They watched through the rest of the credits until they ended, then all clapped.

"OK, JUST SEVEN MOVIES TO GO!" The voice boomed.


	18. Intermission

"WE WILL NOW HAVE A SHORT INTERMISSION BETWEEN THE TWO MOVIES," boomed the voice.

The lights turned on throughout the theatre and the noise of babbling chatter filled all their ears.

Two doors appeared on the wall on the left side, one with a picture of a man and the other with a picture of a woman.

Harry now realised how busting he was. "See you in a minute," he murmured to the girls as he, Ron, James jr, Albus and Hugo walked towards the massive line forming in front of the men's room.

Arthur Weasley had managed a spot just behind Dudley, who was pulling out an iPhone.

Mr Weasley's eyes immediately widened in awe at the sight of the small, bright box.

"Err... Dudley?" he said eagerly, reaching his hand out towards Dudley's phone. "Please, tell me... what is this beautiful box of magic?"

Dudley jumped, and swiftly shut his phone and placed it in his pocket.

"It's rude to look over other people's shoulders, you know," Dudley sneered angrily.

Mr Weasley raised his eyebrows. "I'm awfully sorry, Dudley..." he said. "But may I know what it is, exactly?"

But Dudley wasn't listening. He was back on his phone, typing away doing whatever he was doing.

Hermione and Ginny were chatting away about all that had happened.

"It's so weird to see that adaptation of you!" Ginny said, laughing. "If that's really how you looked in first year, then you went through a lot of puberty in the space of a month."

"No, that's not how I looked in first year," Hermione muttered. "I don't think I changed much between first and second year. That girl there is paler than me, her hair is lighter and she has less of it. Her hair is a lot neater, and until fourth year my two front teeth were awfully big."

"Oh, they weren't that big," said Ginny. "Just..."

"Bigger than average?" Hermione guessed. Ginny pursed her lips.

"Muuuummmm," Lily said, tugging on Ginny's shirt. "I'm bored, and I don't even need to go."

"Me too," said Rose to Hermione.

"Well why don't you two go sit back in your seats while you wait for the next movie to start?" Ginny told them.

The two girls nodded and hurried back to their seats.

I watched this play out and thought that I could totally understand that they were bored. These people were my life. I would love to get a picture with all of them and get their autographs, but I knew all to well the consequences of what would happen if a regular person such as myself went too near to the characters of Harry Potter. Or any fandom at that.

So I decided I'd play something on the screen to keep them entertained, as well as myself. I played around with the features up in my little box above the audience members and projected YouTube onto the huge screen, and played my all time favourite video YouTube had to offer.

I felt a smile spread across my face as the Potter puppet pals entered the screen, and I looked down to see how my favourite people in the entire world would react to this.

"Oh look, Lily!" Rose said as they sat down. "They're playing... something."

"This music is cool," Lily said as the opening music played. She read the sign that popped up on the screen aloud, "'The Potter Puppet pals'."

"Oh, look at that puppet!" cried Lee Jordan, who had gotten out of the bathroom line early on. "It must be Professor Snape!"

Snape's ears perked up at the mention of his name and turned to look at the screen. He gasped in horror at the sight of a puppet man who could only be him.

They all watched intently as Snape starting singing along to what was believed to be called 'The Mysterious Ticking Noise'.

They all laughed as the other characters came on, and the part where Dumbledore had done a complete strip earned a roar of laughter and cheers from the crowd, causing Dumbledore to shrug and "laugh" along with everyone else.

Once it was finished everyone was clapping and demanding an encore, which quickly happened.

Up in my box, I smiled at their reaction, then leaned in towards the microphone.

They all heard the voice boom throughout the theatre, "ALRIGHT, ENOUGH FUN. TIME TO WATCH HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS."

Everyone was still laughing, and settled down to watch the next movie.


	19. The worst birthday

They all stared up at the screen, waiting for the second movie to begin.

**Shows Privet Drive. Harry Potter sits in the window of one of the houses.**

**Harry looks through pages through a scrapbook, stops on a moving photo**

**of him, Ron and Hermione. SQUAWK! Harry jumps. Hedwig pecks**

**at the lock slung through her cage door, then glowers at**

**Harry.**

"I remember Hedwig kept chirping in the early hours of the morning, but I don't remember looking through that scrapbook," said Harry.

"Well, you must have looked through it sometimes, right?" Hagrid said hopefully.

"Oh, yeah, I did," Harry promised. "But I never looked at it just before Hedwig chirped."

"And why is there a photo of you with Ron and Hermione?" Hagrid questioned. "It was all photos of your parents!"

"It was," Harry mumbled.

**Harry: I can't, Hedwig. I'm not allowed to use magic outside of school. Besides, if Uncle Vernon –**

"I didn't say any of that," said Hagrid.

"Man, Dad, your voice has gone through some serious change there, eh?" Albus said, raising his eyebrows at Harry, who shrugged.

**At the sound of the name, Hedwig squawks again, louder.**

"Oh gosh," said Harry. "Of _course_ Hedwig must always make a big racket like that, getting me in trouble."

**Uncle Vernon (O.S.): Harry Potter!**

"Well, he technically didn't get mad at me until breakfast, but from what I saw when it was zooming in on me, it was night," Harry mentioned.

"Was this seriously why they put bars on your window?" Ron asked.

"No," said Harry. "Just wait."

**Harry: Now you've done it.**

"I don't remember saying that, but OK," said Harry.

**Aunt Petunia puts the finishing touches to a pudding, and Uncle Vernon struggles with Dudley's tie, and the three of them are glowering at Harry.**

"Why… why are we getting ready… _already_?" Aunt Petunia asked. "If it's going to show the argument, that was at breakfast."

"Welp, we're still brunettes, mum," said Dudley.

**Uncle Vernon: I warned you. If you can't control that bloody bird, it'll have to go.**

"Third time that week," said Uncle Vernon, remembering. "And I didn't say I'd warned him."

**Harry: She's bored. If I could just let her out for an hour or two…**

"And she's used to flying around outside. I asked if I could just let her out _overnight_ ," Harry corrected, rolling her eyes.

"Poor Hedwig," said Ginny.

**Uncle Vernon: And have you sending secret messages to your freaky little friends? No, sir.**

"I actually asked him if I looked stupid, and that we knew what happened when the owl was let loose," Uncle Vernon said darkly, shaking his head.

**Harry: But I haven't gotten any messages. From any of my friends. Not one. All summer.**

"Oh, come on mate, we _tried_ ," Ron said. "Just _Dobby_ didn't let you see them."

"And, to tell you the truth," Hermione added. "We thought _you_ had forgotten about _us_."

"But I didn't even say that, I had tried to protest, but I was rudely _interrupted_ by Dudley," Harry said.

**Dudley: Who'd want to be friends with you?**

"Ooooohhhhh _burn_!" Dudley cried. "Good job, movie-me!"

"Is that how Dudley interrupted you, if you hadn't said anything about your friends?" Ginny asked.

"No," said Harry. "He interrupted me by saying he wanted more bacon."

"Then Mum was saying I wasn't getting fed well at Smeltings," Dudley said, grinning.

"Which you _were_ ," Uncle Vernon said, raising his brows at Dudley.

"You just thought it wasn't enough for your fat lump of a stomach," Harry sneered, earning scowls from the Dursleys.

"And then Dudley asked Harry to pass the frying pan," Aunt Petunia added.

" _Told_ Harry to pass the frying pan," Harry corrected.

"Before Harry _insulted_ Dudley by saying the 'M' word!" Uncle Vernon said dramatically.

"The 'M' word?" Hermione asked.

"Don't ask," Harry rolled his eyes.

**Uncle Vernon: I should think you'd be more grateful. We raise you since you were a baby, give you food off our table, even let you have Dudley's second bedroom... purely out of the goodness of our hearts.**

" _Please_ ," Harry said. "You didn't give me Dudley's second bedroom _out of the goodness of your hearts_. You gave it to me so the letters would stop coming to my cupboard!"

"But that scene was not in the movie, remember," said Dudley smugly. "Soooo, according to this, it was out of the kindness of our hearts."

Harry rolled his eyes and groaned. "Sooooo, according to _real life_ , Big D, which happens to be more accurate than this" — he gestured to the screen — "you people just didn't want to let me go to Hogwarts, you gave me that room, and _ickle Duddikins_ , you were reluctant to give me your room, because all your toys you don't even care about were in there."

"Hey, I thought we were at peace now!" Dudley said angrily. "Or would you rather a _piece_ of me?"

"SHUT UP!" Ginny yelled, pointing her wand at Dudley. "Sit down. And be quiet. No more messing with ma hubby. Because if you mess with _him_ , you mess with _me_. And trust me, you DO NOT want to mess with me. Now SHUT IT!"

Dudley stared at Ginny, then quietly sat down.

"Thanks hun," Harry said, pecking a kiss on Ginny's cheek, who was still grinning broadly.

**{Aunt Petunia sees Dudley extending a finger for the pudding.}**

**Aunt Petunia: Not yet, popkin. That's for when the Masons arrive.**

"I did not do that!" Dudley said grumpily. "And mum didn't say that, because I did not eat that, I mean, I'm not that greedy."

"Yeah, sure," said Ron, looking at Dudley's huge body, earning himself angry looks from all the Dursleys.

**Uncle Vernon: Which should be any moment. Now. Let's run through our schedule one more time. Petunia, when the Masons get here, you will be —**

"No, it wasn't at any moment, because the whole argument happened at breakfast," said Uncle Vernon, doing a facepalm.

"I suppose Dudley's not going to come and remember it's my birthday. My goodness, that was funny… Dudley _finally_ remembered the days of the week!" Harry said.

"But I _did_ remember it was your birthday," Dudley snarled angrily.

**Aunt Petunia: In the lounge, waiting to welcome them graciously to our home.**

"Now _that_ was perfect," Petunia said. "Just make that woman blonde and it could have been an A plus!"

**Uncle Vernon: Good. And Dudley?**

"So, so bossy," Dudley said, rolling his eyes at his father. "And you said good twice."

**Dudley: I'll be waiting to open the door.**

"Oh, how sweet!" Mrs Mason said to her husband. "They were preparing for us to come."

"Yes, and their nephew," Mr Mason looked angrily at Harry, "dropped the pudding all of the floor. It must have been with his magic skills that we saw in the last movie."

"It wasn't me, it was…" Harry started.

"SILENCE!" Uncle Vernon snapped. "No more lies."

"You must not tell lies," came a fake sugary voice and Harry turned around to see a toad-like face in her fluffy pink clothes.

"Ugh," said Harry, turning away from Professor Umbridge and looking back at the screen.

**Uncle Vernon: Excellent. {turning on Harry} And you?**

"Now that…" Ron shook his head. "Gosh, Harry…"

"I can't believe you did this to my son," Lily said angrily to Petunia.

"May I take your coats, Mr and Mrs Mason?" Dudley said, imitating what he had said that morning.

 **Harry:** **I'll be in my bedroom, making no** **noise and pretending I don't** **exist.**

"Pretending I'm _not there_ ," Harry corrected.

"Is that seriously what you told him to do?" Lily fumed towards her sister and Vernon.

"Er, well…"

 **Uncle Vernon** : **Too right you will. With any** **luck, this could well be the day I** **make the biggest deal of my** **career.**

"I actually said that before we started practicing," Uncle Vernon corrected his movie-self.

**DOORBELL RINGS. Instantly, Uncle Vernon shoves Harry out**

**of the kitchen and into the hallway.**

"Oh, we didn't get to see the rest of your preparations!" Harry moaned. " _Oh Mr Mason, we had to write about a hero at school, and I…"_

"SHUT UP!" Dudley yelled before Harry could finish.

**Uncle Vernon: Upstairs! Hurry!**

"That's actually what Aunt Petunia said to me," said Petunia. "After giving me two bits of cheese for dinner and forcing me to walk on newspapers."

Lily looked ready to strangle her sister.

**Harry enters, turns, and stops dead: a tiny CREATURE with bat-like ears and bulging green eyes is jumping on his bed as if it were a trampoline.**

Hermione gasped. "That's Dobby!"

Dobby grinned at Hermione, and she saw he was wearing all the stuff she'd knitted, and it was all battered and worn out.


	20. Dobby’s Warning

**Dobby: Harry Potter! Such an honour it is!**

"That house elf didn't bow!" Dobby cried out in anger. " _How rude_!"

"Dobby, that is meant to be you," Harry said. "Well, I'd think so, because you were the only house-elf that turned up at the house the night the Mason's arrived."

"A… _what_ came into our house?" Aunt Petunia asked faintly, staring from the real Dobby to the screen Dobby.

**Harry {staring at Dobby}: Who are you?**

"Actually, the first thing Harry Potter said to Dobby was hello," said Dobby, smiling at Harry.

"What about… I heard Dudley downstairs, ' _May I take your coats, Mr and Mrs Mason_?" Harry said, mocking Dudley's sweet, pretend-to-be polite voice.

"Oh, shut up," Dudley muttered.

**Dobby: Dobby, sir. Dobby the house elf.**

"That skipped a small bit of dialogue, nothing too big," Harry mentioned.

"WHAT WAS THAT THING DOING IN OUR HOUSE?" Uncle Vernon exploded.

"You want to answer that one, Dobby?" Harry asked, turning to Dobby, who just ignored him, and was focusing on the angry look on Lucius Malfoy's face.

" _How dare you go see Potter without our permission_!" Lucius snarled, teleporting next to Dobby and grabbing his neck.

"STOP!" Harry yelled, hitting Lucius's arm hard. "Dobby is a free elf now, and you have no right to touch him or get angry at him."

" _Especially_ since he did this in _1992_!" Hermione added, her face angrier than Harry's. "You will be an _enemy_ of S.P.E.W.!"

"Oh, crap," Ron said, burying his head in his hands. "Don't you go on about spew again."

**Harry: I see. Not to be rude or anything, but this isn't a great time for me to have a house-elf in my bedroom.**

"Hmm… 8/10 for that dialogue, Harry Potter," Dobby smiled. "From what Dobby can remember, of course.

"No, I'd say that's about right," Harry answered.

**Dobby: Oh, yes, sir, Dobby understands. It's just that, Dobby has come to tell you... it is difficult, sir... Dobby wonders where to begin.**

"We didn't hear Aunt Petunia… er, _laugh_ ," Harry said, trying not to laugh at the embarrassed look on his Aunt's face.

"And it skipped Harry Potter asking why Dobby was there…" Dobby added.

**Harry: Why don't you sit down?**

"Uh, sorry about saying that, Dobby," Harry said guiltily. "Although I only said _sit down_ , I had no idea you'd get upset by that!"

"Dobby has long forgiven Harry Potter for that one," Dobby beamed.

**Dobby: S-s-sit down?**

**{Suddenly Dobby bursts into tears.}**

"He burst into tears before he repeated the words ' _sit down_ '," Harry muttered.

"Oh, Dobby, you needn't have cried at that!" Hermione cried. "If you ever feel sad, everyone here at S.P.E.W. are here for you!"

"Everyone at spew?" Ron muttered to Harry. "You mean everyone in your head."

**{Harry panics.}**

**Harry: Shhhh! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you or anything —**

"I didn't say shhh, but still, pretty accurate," Harry said.

"If anyone's offending you, Dobby…" Hermione started.

"SHUT UP!" Ron interrupted.

"S.P.E.W. is here for you!" Hermione shouted over Ron, who groaned very loudly.

**Dobby: Offend Dobby! Dobby has heard of your greatness, sir, but never has he been asked to sit down by a wizard, like an equal...**

" _No one_!" Hermione cried. "That is absolutely outrageous! House-elves should be treated as complete equals! At S.P.E.W., you will 100% be treated as equal to witches and wizards!"

"Hermione, if you don't shut up about spew, we're all honestly gonna die after getting deafened by annoyance!" Ron yelled.

"Ron, you're supposed to care about me," Hermione rolled her eyes.

"I _do_ care about _you_ ," Ron said. "Just don't care about _spew_."

"It's not spew!" Hermione said, her voice heated. "It's S.P.E.W., stand for the Society of Promotion of Elfish Welfare!"

"Tell me, Hermione," Ron said, raising his eyebrows. "What does S-P-E-W spell? _Spew_!"

"Will you two idiots SHUT UP?" Ginny bellowed, shaking her head. "Your debates are worse than Harry and I!"

"Don't go into our debates, Ginny," Harry said, shaking his head, for Ginny to laugh then resume the movie.

**Harry: You can't have met many decent wizards then.**

Lucius Malfoy glared at Harry as if deciding what would be the best way to kill him.

"All you people need to give our son a break!" James senior said, shaking his head.

"To meet some decent wizards and witches to treat you well, you can always…" Hermione started.

"Hermione," Ron said, taking in a very deep breath. "I think Dobby gets the message. Isn't that right, Dobby?"

"Yes! Dobby will know he can always count on Mrs Hermione Granger-Weasley for help!" Dobby said happily.

**{Dobby shakes his head, then without warning, leaps off the bed and starts to bang his head furiously on the drawers.**

"DOBBY!" Hermione cried. "You shouldn't have done that! You don't need to do that!"

"HERMIONE, DOBBY DID THIS 28 YEARS AGO, OK? THERE'S NOTHING YOU COULD DO TO STOP HIM, UNLESS YOU TIME-TRAVELLED!"

"T-time-travelled?" Hermione said.

"No, Hermione," Harry said. "There's no way for you to get access to a time-turner before we leave this theatre, plus, if you did that you could change way too much."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "I wasn't planning to do that. I just remembered it's possible, but I'm not going to do it."

**DOBBY: Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!**

"You're not bad, Dobby," Hermione said.

"I agree with Hermione on that one," Ron nodded, putting his arm on his wife's shoulders. "You… you literally… sac— well, you're a really brave elf, Dobby."

Harry felt himself stiffen on his chair, and decided to focus on the screen.

"Dobby hit himself on the window," Dobby mentioned.

**{Uncle Vernon pours champagne for Mr. and Mrs. Mason. As banging sounds from above, all eyes shift up. Uncle Vernon chuckles nervously.}**

"So that, er, elf thing was the reason for all that racket," Mrs Mason guessed.

"Uh, yeah," Harry said.

"Vernon, honestly, why did you never tell us that your nephew was a wizard?" Mr Mason asked.

"Erm… because its not exactly good, people aren't meant to know," Uncle Vernon said, turning a light version of the shade of a beetroot.

**Uncle Vernon: Don't mind that. It's just the... cat.**

"You don't have a cat, do you?" Mrs Mason asked. Uncle Vernon slumped into his seat.

Mr Mason shook his head. "Honestly, the lies you tell!"

"S-sorry!"

**{Dobby gets back to his feet, wobbling, eyes spinning dizzily. Harry regards him with a mixture of concern... and wariness.}**

**Harry: Are you... all right?**

"That's not what I said… I just told him to stop, then asked him what he was doing," Harry explained. "And then of course Hedwig woke up…" he shook his head.

**Dobby: Dobby had to punish himself, sir. Dobby almost spoke ill of his family, sir.**

"That Dobby got the words that Dobby actually said correct! 10/10 for that!" Dobby cried, clapping his hands.

**Harry: Your... family?**

"How dare you almost speak ill of us, Dobby," Lucius snarled.

"At least he punished himself for it, Father," Draco said, sneering at Dobby, and earning a blazing look of anger from Hermione.

**Dobby: The wizard family Dobby serves, sir. Dobby is bound to serve one family forever. If they ever knew Dobby was here...**

"That's awful," Hermione said, her voice filled with passionate emotion. "You should be able to live your life… you shouldn't have to be their slave."

"It's what house elves do," Lucius said angrily. "Stop complaining about it mudblood."

"YOU SHUT UP!" Ron cried, standing up and trudging over to Lucius, his fists clenched tightly.

"Ron, honestly, it doesn't matter!" Hermione hissed, standing up and dragging him back to his seat.

**{Dobby shudders in fear, then looks up, whispers urgently.}**

**Dobby: But Dobby had to come. Dobby has to protect Harry Potter. To warn him.**

"Harry Potter asked Dobby many questions about his family… what they'd think… and Dobby explained how his family… _would never set him free_ ," Dobby looked up at the screen sadly.

"You expect we would, though?" Draco asked. Hermione scowled at him.

**Dobby: {in a fierce whisper} Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry this year.**

"Dobby had to shut his ears in the oven for that," said Dobby, somewhat proudly.

"You mentioned that, didn't you…" Harry said. "And you only said ' _you must not go back to Hogwarts_ '."

**Harry: Not go back? But... I have to.**

"That… basically the entire monologue was cut out!" Harry cried. "I said that I had to go back, that Hogwarts was the only thing keeping me going…"

"Keeping you going?" Ginny asked.

"Well its not exactly easy to live with the Dursleys," Harry said.

**Dobby: This is a plot. A plot to make most terrible things happen. If Harry Potter goes back to school he will be in great danger.**

"Dobby said 'no, no, no'," said Dobby. "Then he said Harry Potter must stay where he is safe, and then that Harry Potter was in great danger."

"Yes, you didn't say about the plot until I'd asked why I was in danger," Harry said.

**Harry: What terrible things? Who's plotting them?**

"It was… was this all about the chamber…" Ginny's voice broke. "And if Dobby is the Malfoy's elf, and Dobby knew about it, that means…"

She looked over at the Malfoys, who all suddenly seemed very interested in their seats.

Harry sighed. "You'll see… well, maybe."

**Dobby makes a weird noise.**

**Harry: Okay! I understand. You can't say —**

" _Alright_ ," Harry corrected. "And you can't say, I understand."

"How are we remembering all this!" Hermione cried. "I just thought of it, it's weird…"

"I'm not sure, I can literally remember every word I said at every second!" Harry cried.

"It's so weird but so awesome," Ron agreed.

**{Dobby grabs the bedside lamp and starts beating himself about the head an yelping loudly}**

**{In the dining room}**

**Uncle Vernon: They arrive at the ninth hole and —**

"What the… what is that?" Ginny laughed. "The ninth hole?"

"I said a golf joke, but that's one of the only things I can remember of that night… the memory is fuzzy," Uncle Vernon said.

" _Fuzzy_?" Aunt Petunia cried. "But we can remember everything else so clearly!"

"I dunno… it's weird," Uncle Vernon said. "I remember hearing something, and then thinking it was Dudley's TV… or pretending it was…"

"When I think about it, I don't remember too much about when we came over," said Mr Mason. "I just remember the pudding being dropped… that's it."

**{Dobby's yells interrupt, ringing out from above. Back in Harry's room, Harry wrestles the lamp away from Dobby.}**

"We didn't fight for the lamp," Harry laughed. "But I must say, this movie is _pretty damn funny_."

Everyone was laughing their heads off, everyone except the Dursleys.

**Harry: Give me the lamp!**

"Harry Potter didn't say that," Dobby said.

**{Footsteps are heard off-screen. Quickly, Harry grabs Dobby by the pillowcase and pitches him into the wardrobe... just as the door opens}**

**Harry: Get in there, and keep quiet.**

"Well I actually first _told_ Dobby to get in the wardrobe before stuffing him in," Harry said. "I mean, I had some manners."

"Poor Dobby… he wouldn't have like being in that cupboard!" Hermione cried.

"Yeah, being in a cupboard must really suck," Harry said sarcastically.

Hermione looked at him. "Sorry, Harry, I didn't mean…"

"It's fine," said Harry.

**Uncle Vernon: What the devil are you doing up here! You've just ruined the punch line of my Japanese golfer joke. One more sound and you'll wish you'd never been born, boy!**

"I can't believe they treated you that bad, Harry!" Ginny cried.

"I can't believe you married that man, Petunia!" Lily cried. "He's awful, absolutely… he treated my Harry like that! He was worse than you!"

"Says the woman who married some wizard! Dumb enough to get the two of you _blown up_!" Petunia shrieked.

"Blown up? WE WERE MURDERED! THAT WAS NOT JAMES'S FAULT! I WAS WITH JAMES IN THE DEATH WORLD, AND WE BOTH WERE UNDER THE IMPRESSION OUR SON HAD BEEN MURDERED, TOO! WE COULD NOT FIND HIM, AND WE WERE _CRYING_ WITH WORRY! WE HOPED HE WAS SAFE, ONLY FOR HIM TO TURN OUT IN THE HANDS WITH _YOU PEOPLE_?! I AM DISGUSTED IN YOU, EVEN IF YOU WERE MY SISTER! YOUR MARRIAGE IS A COMPLETELY POOR CHOICE, EVEN IF IT'S NOT MY PLACE TO JUDGE, WELL GUESS WHAT? I AM! I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT BELIEVE YOU! I'M ABOUT AS MAD AT YOU AS I AM WITH… WITH… with Severus." Her voice went softer before breaking, her bright green eyes, earlier blazing now softening slightly.

"Lily, I…" Snape started.

"SHUT UP!" Lilly yelled, her eyes blazing with anger again.

**{The wardrobe door keeps opening and Harry keeps closing it}**

**Uncle Vernon: And fix that door!**

**Harry: Yes, sir.**

"You… called him _sir_?" Lily asked faintly.

"I don't know," said Harry. "That didn't happen."

**{Uncle Vernon stomps flat-footed from the room and slams the door. Harry lets Dobby out of the wardrobe.}**

"Well, that was dramatic," Ginny said simply.

**Harry: See why I've got to go back? I don't belong here, I belong in your world.**

**Hogwarts, it's the only place I've got friends.**

"Nope, that monologue was incorrect, just like all other ones," Harry said, shaking his head. "Why can't they get anything right, it's not that hard!"

**Dobby: Friends who don't even write to Harry Potter?**

"Now that really blew it for you, Dobby," Harry said. "You should have thought it through before you came, except its good I found out, I finally understood my friends hadn't forgotten about me!"

"Of course we didn't, why would we?" Ron asked. "I mean, we're not _that_ mean!"

**Harry: Well I expect they've been… hang on, how do you know my friends haven't been writing to me?**

"Intelligent, that kid," said Harry, pointing up at his screen self. "Smartest boy I know."

"Dad, that's you," Lily junior said, rolling her eyes at her dad.

"Oh, is it?" Harry said, squinting at the screen. "He was neat, brown hair and blue eyes. I really, don't think that's me."

**Dobby: Harry Potter mustn't be angry with Dobby - Dobby hoped if Harry Potter thought his friends had forgotten him... Harry Potter might not want to go back to school, sir... { Guiltily, Dobby takes out a stack of letters}**

"Dobby did it for the best!" Dobby cried.

"That skipped a bit of dialogue, though," Harry muttered.

"So… wow, we wrote a lot of spam letters," Ron said, gaping.

"I wouldn't have sent so many in a row if Harry had actually replied!" Hermione cried.

"I suppose that's why we came to rescue you, Harry," Ron smiled.

**Harry: Give me those. Now.**

"Harry, you were so calm about it!" Ginny said "I'm impressed. If that happened to me, I'd literally use a bat-bogey hex on Dobby to get the letters."

"I wasn't calm about it, I just tried to grab them off him," Harry told her. "And if you used a bat-bogey hex, you'd be expelled."

"Harry, my friends are very important to me, OK! I would risk my education for them," Ginny said.

**Dobby looks at Harry sadly, then dashes out the door.**

"That skipped Dobby telling Harry Potter that he'd give him the letters if he promised not to go back to Hogwarts," Dobby explained to everyone.

"Mate, why didn't you just lie?" Ron asked. "You could have just said you weren't going to Hogwarts then just go."

"Dobby would have found out eventually," Harry shrugged.

**Harry races after him and Dobby bounces down the stairs and into the kitchen. As Harry races in, he finds Dobby paused in the hall, who then clicks. The pudding rise, then floats into the living room, hovering over the Mason's heads. The Masons don't see, but the Dursleys — goggle-eyed — do.**

"That's intense!" Rose cried.

"Dobby actually stood on a cupboard in the corner," Harry muttered.

"My poor pudding," Aunt Petunia said dramatically. "I put so much effort into that, and I can't believe that… _thing —"_

"House elf!" Hermione cut in.

"Ruined my masterpiece!" Aunt Petunia shook her head, clearly still quite annoyed.

"It seems you blamed the wrong person for it, then?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Aunt Petunia huffed.

**Harry: Dobby... Please... No...**

"I said no, they'll kill me," Harry corrected.

**Dobby: Harry Potter must say he's not going back to school.**

"Dobby also said, _say it, sir_ ," Dobby mentioned. "After Harry Potter said, ' _Dobby, please…'_."

**Harry: I can't. Hogwarts is my home.**

"HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF LYING?" Ron bellowed. "YOU COULD OF AT LEAST SAVED YOURSELF FROM WHATEVER HAPPENS NOW!"

"Well, I don't know, Ron!" Harry cried. "I was 12! And I didn't say Hogwarts is my home… I mean I think that, but I'm not that cringey."

 **Dobby:** **Then Dobby must do it, sir.** **For Harry Potter's own good.**

**{The Dursleys and the Masons are talking, Petunia and Vernon trying to hide that a pudding is floating.}**

**Dudley: Pudding.**

"Ahahah, Dudley couldn't keep it in…" Ron laughed.

"I did not say that," Dudley said, rolling his eyes.

**{Dobby snaps his fingers. The pudding falls straight onto Mrs Mason. They stand blinking, covered head to foot. Harry was just about to grab it.}**

"Ah, Dobby made it fall on the floor, to cause it splatter all over the room!" Dobby cried proudly. "But this movie makes it seem different, of course."

**Uncle Vernon: I'm sorry. It's our nephew. Very disturbed. Meeting strangers upsets him, so we kept him upstairs...**

"Noooo," Harry grumbled. "You kept me upstairs so I wouldn't ruin your career meeting!"

"Er, I actually said its just our nephew?" Vernon said, pretending not to hear Harry.

**The Masons race out of the house.**

"That skipped Uncle Vernon telling me I'd get punished," Harry said. "And the owl coming in was skipped too."

**{Uncle Vernon fits IRON BARS to the inside of Harry's window, and we hear a drilling noise}**

"Oh my…" Lily and James senior were now clenching their fists in each other's hands with anger.

"How could you do this to our son?" James asked. " _Your nephew_?"

**Uncle Vernon: You're never going back to that school. You're never seeing your freaky friends again. Never!**

"So, firstly," Harry said, crossing his arms. "Uncle Vernon did _not_ put those bars up himself. He paid someone to do it for him. And secondly, that totally skipped the letter of the warning of getting kicked out of the school, and the owl arriving. It skipped Uncle Vernon telling me what was going to happen."

"I still can't believe you people did this!" Lily senior said angrily.

"Dad, you told us you were treated bad, but you never said you were treated _this bad_!" James junior cried. Harry shrugged.

**Harry picks up his glasses and looks out the window to see Ron Weasley staring through the window.**

"Yes!" Ron cried. "Rescue time!"

"And then get yelled at by mum time," the twins said together.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to comment :)


End file.
